These days I seem to be pondering the cultural differences between modern orthodox Judaism and ultra orthodox Judaism. Yesterday’s post that featured photos of haredi children smoking at a Mea Shearim wedding is one such example of those cultural differences.
However, back in 2007, I was mulling over the cultural differences a baal teshuva faces upon entering the orthodox world. The social mores and manners between secular society and frum society are different in many ways. While on the surface, it’s easy to say that orthodox manners are superior, to the uninitiated, sometimes the behavior of the religious can seem downright rude.
For example, as a woman in the secular world, it is common for a man entering a building before you to hold the door open. Maybe this is a dated analogy, as chivalry seems to be dead everywhere these days. At the very least, it now extends both ways, and I have been known to hold the door open for the man behind me – especially an older gentleman.
Back to the subject at hand, I can remember visiting a heavily orthodox neighborhood shortly after getting married, and being surprised by all of the doors being shut in my face, as I expectantly paused for the man in front of me to open the door and let me pass through first. I also remember feeling shocked as I was practically tackled football style by men in religious garb while navigating the busy sidewalks. These were men who would probably flinch in horror if I extended my hand to them to shake, yet they had no problem with a full body bump.
I suppose the above examples are observations of both cultural differences between the secular and religious worlds, and cultural differences between the modern orthodox and haredi worlds. Obviously, the behaviors I describe don’t extend to every haredi man, and there are rude people in every community who don’t represent the whole. However, it does seems to be more common for the modern orthodox men in my community to hold doors open or make way for a lady on a busy street. In more right wing orthodox groups, that kind of consideration might even be seen as inappropriate (it’s unseemly to walk behind a woman, stare after her, or even acknowledge her in order to step aside).
Below are some of my BT musings as I tried to understand orthodox social codes.
As a baalas teshuvah, there are certain behaviors that are standard and appropriate in the frum community that are contrary to the way that I was raised . They aren’t huge things, more like Miss Manners type stuff, but when I was new at living in the orthodox world they stood out. Now, so many years later, I can’t even remember most of the things that made me uncomfortable. I probably have adopted most of the behaviors myself.
Hmmm…trying to remember some – like when you are on a date in a restaurant and people who know you or your date come over not just to say a quick hello, but have a lengthy conversation and perhaps even sit down to join you for an untold amount of time. There could be several such acquaintances and each might take their turn until the meal is basically over and so is your “date.”
I also never got used to the “that’s loshon horah” rebuke to immediately shut someone up. I will admit I haven’t seen it done often, but I remember the first time I was sitting at a shabbos table full of people and someone was recounting a rather innocuous story, and another guest interrupted with the “loshon horah” rebuke. The speaker stopped talking, looked flustered, tried weakly to defend his story as not being loshon horah, and then was silent while other guests chimed in with conversation to fill the silence. I felt mortified for the “rebuked one.” Isn’t embarrassing someone in public also assur? Where I come from, you listen politely, and move on to the next topic whether you believe or agree with the speaker – just common courtesy.
Another thing that annoyed me as a new bride (although I think this is starting to change based on bridal shower invitations I have received lately), was that frum people did not register at stores for gifts. For secular brides, this is one of the first items on the agenda after setting a wedding date – the bridal registry. The thing every bride relishes and the thing every groom hates. I suppose each city has it’s own standard stores that each bride registers at – in my town the basics were Marshall Fields, Crate & Barrel, and Bed, Bath & Beyond. The frum community didn’t have this tradition when I got married – either for registering or buying from a registry list. When I got married, half of my registry was purchased from my relatives and secular friends, the rest was an independent hodgepodge.
Anyway, the reason I am writing this post is because something happened recently that reared my BT sensibilities, which doesn’t happen very often anymore. While most everything that happens in daily frum society is now second nature to me and has been for years, I can still sometimes be surprised by feeling that a certain orthodox cultural norm is counter to what I was raised with as being appropriate. The cultural norm that I speak of, in this case, are sheva brachot.
In recent years, sheva brachot that we have been invited to have been for couples whose weddings we attended. Although one of the purposes of sheva brachot is to have “new faces” to wish the happy couple mazel tov, we haven’t been in that “new faces” category for awhile. Recently, we were invited to sheva brachot in the “new faces” category – and I was surprised by my reaction. My immediate feeling was that if we weren’t close enough to be invited to the wedding, why invite us to sheva brachot? I almost felt like it was rude – kind of like rubbing our faces in the fact that we weren’t invited to the wedding. Then I thought, well, they probably had a small wedding and couldn’t invite everyone. Then I found out that the bride’s family is filthy rich and they actually had a huge wedding!
Anyway, my point is – my disturbance was due to how I was raised. For example – if you weren’t going to invite someone to your wedding – you certainly wouldn’t invite them to the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, you catch my drift. You would play it low key and try not to rub it into the uninvited’s face. I realize that the couple meant no harm and this is the way things are done in our community. My husband, raised in this community, had no problem with it whatsoever. It’s my BTness coming out.
