Upon getting engaged to be married, one of the first anxieties an orthodox bride faces is whether or not she will have a chuppat niddah (either be menstruating or in the seven day time frame following menstruation) on her wedding day. The marital relations laws of taharat hamishpacha dictate that a husband and wife must refrain from relations and all forms of physical contact the week of the wife’s period and seven days after, upon which time she submerges herself in a mikvah, and they can resume married life.
If a kallah (bride) cannot go to the mikvah before her wedding day, she and her chosson (groom) cannot engage in marital relations on their wedding night. Additionally, they must follow all of the harchakot (laws that prevent touching and passing objects during niddah) until the bride is able to submerge in the mikvah. Additionally, they must observe the same laws of shomer negiah (laws that don’t only prohibit touching, but also being alone together in a room with a closed door) that they had to observe while dating (married couples who already engaged in relations can be alone during times of niddah).
Practically speaking, a couple having a chuppat niddah, have to do a few things differently at the ceremony than when the bride is tahor (not a niddah). At the bedeken (veiling) ceremony, for example, the groom checks his bride’s face to make sure that he is marrying the right woman. After seeing that, indeed, the bride is his proper intended wife, he brings down her veil. This is always a big photo opportunity, as the groom is led into the room where the bride awaits on a fancy throne with her close relatives and bridesmaids, accompanied by music and dancing and escorted by the male guests. However, in a chuppat niddah, (some rabbis rule that) the groom is not allowed to touch her veil directly and put it down over her face, so she must do it herself.
Under the chuppah, the couple cannot drink from the same cup of wine unless someone else drinks between them, so there either has to be two separate cups, or another person has to take a sip. The groom cannot put the ring on the bride’s finger, he must drop it into her hand without touching her, and she must put it on her own finger. Also, the kallah cannot take the ketubah (marriage contract) directly from her new husband’s hands. After the ceremony, when some couples hold hands on their way down from the chuppah podium and to the yichud room (where a bride and groom are symbolically left alone in a closed room for the first time), the couple may not hold hands, nor may they be alone in the yichud room together.
Usually, a young child (often a child is engaged for this purpose because they don’t really understand what’s happening to avoid embarrassment) will act as a shomer (guardian) in the yichud room to ensure that the couple is not left alone. After the wedding, the couple cannot share a bed or be alone until the wife is able to go to the mikvah, however, long that takes. Sometimes a child or an adult moves into the couple’s apartment until the mikvah night. Sometimes the couple moves into their parent’s home, so that they are not left alone. There are various ways that a couple handles this awkward situation.
In any event, having a chuppat niddah is something that every bride tries to avoid at all costs. After dating and being engaged with no physical contact for an extended amount of time, it is like a slap in the face to have to prolong being together with your husband. However, the more immediate issue of being humiliated in front of guests and rabbis by publicly acknowledging your state of niddah is enough to make any woman cringe. As much as kallah teachers try to downplay the shame factor of having a chuppat niddah (although they do counsel women to choose their wedding dates as wisely as possible and usually advise them on seeing doctors to start birth control that might help avoid the situation), for those wedding guests in the know about the halachos, it is pretty impossible to hide what is happening.
Awhile ago I heard a shiur where a story was recounted about a chuppat niddah. The mesader kidushin (the rabbi who is officiating at the ceremony) was a prominent Yeshiva University rav. He was both officiating and MCing the happenings under the chuppah. As he announced each stage of the ceremony for the benefit of the participants and the audience, he came to the part about the ring. At a chuppat niddah, this part of the ceremony is supposed to be done as discreetly as possible so that only those on the podium with the bride and groom will be aware of the change in protocol (this is embarrassing enough in and of itself).
However, at this wedding, the mesader kidushin announced loudly for the the chosson to drop the ring into his kallah’s hand – which effectively let the entire room of guests know that the bride was a niddah. The bride began sobbing under the chuppah, and some of the male witnesses for the ceremony were embarrassed for her and looked away. When the mesader kidushin saw the men were not looking at the couple, he called loudly for the men to look at the kallah to ensure she had accepted the ring! He had no clue the emotional turmoil his announcement had caused.
Women in general are usually private about when they are menstruating. How much moreso orthodox girls who are taught to be tznius and keep their body parts and bodily functions private? Upon engagement, suddenly a young woman’s bodily functions and fluids become a subject for semi-public discussion. First with a kallah teacher, family, and possibly even future in-laws in trying to determine a wedding date that works around her period. Next with a rabbi to whom shailahs (questions about the laws of niddah) may have to be asked. Possibly a first time visit to a gynelcologist to have an exam and prescription for birth control to push off a period that might happen too close to the wedding and render the kallah a niddah. Next adapting to going to the mikvah and interacting with mikvah attendants and seeing other women from the community there because of this ancient menstruant’s purification ritual.
Having to share news about your personal cycle with hundreds of wedding guests just makes the exposure and vulnerability that much greater. Additionally, the larger exposure of your cycle indicating the activity (or not) of your brand new sex life to a wide audience is almost too much to bear. Some women say that they feel resentful about their chuppat niddah years after the event.
The only possible equivalent I can think of that a man might relate to is if a groom was standing under the chuppah and suffering from a spontaneous and uncontrollable erection, and the mesader kedushin had to publicly announce that the ceremony had to be halted until the chosson could control the stance in his pants. While menstruation is a normal and healthy part of a woman’s life, it is also a private part, and not one that needs to be advertised to anyone other than her new husband.
Anyway, why am I rambling on like this? Oh yes, I was thinking about how the laws of taharat hamishpacha can lead to “romance interruptus,” the most extreme example being foiling a wedding night. In kallah classes, I can remember hearing about chuppat niddah, and being taught that if it happens to a bride, it is only one night (could be more depending on when she can get to the mikvah) and that “this too shall pass.” That every bride will go on to have a happy marriage and will hardly remember their stalled initial first days together as husband and wife.
However, that isn’t technically true. For orthodox couples who follow taharat hamishpacha, special dates on the calendar or planned romantic getaways can’t be relied upon. Most secular couples plan for romantic birthdays, maybe Valentine’s Day, and certainly romantic anniversary celebrations. However, for an orthodox couple, romance isn’t always on the agenda for those occasions, depending upon the time of the month. More than once, I’ve been asked if my husband and I did anything special for a wedding anniversary, when that year the only thing in the cards was to go out for dinner like two old high school buddies reminiscing about the good old days.
I’ve heard about couples who have gone through a great deal of trouble to plan and organize a romantic weekend getaway without the kids, only to have it ruined by an unexpected period or spotting that rendered the wife a niddah right before or during the trip. Yes, niddah is supposed to be a time for verbal communication between husband and wife, and not physical communication, but in a situation like a ruined romantic getaway, talking is not much comfort. There’s a time for talking and a time for action.
While it’s hard for me to say whether or not taharat hamishpachat really does keep a marriage fresh and alive compared to a marriage without these laws (since I’ve only experienced a marriage with them), I can say that sometimes the laws do serve to hinder romance rather than enhance it. This is something I was never taught in kallah classes, nor was it something I ever read in books regarding keeping taharat hamishpacha.
The only discussed exception to the happy consequences of keeping taharat hamishpacha is the situation of chuppat niddah, which is explained as a one time challenge. Perhaps this is a consequence of the formal training of these laws happening before marriage, and therefore, focusing mainly on the wedding and those early events. However, a more realistic discussion should also take place about the disappointment that can be caused when anticipated times of romance, throughout a couple’s marriage, are thwarted because of a random state of niddah.
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