Have you ever heard the breakup line, “It’s not you, it’s me?” If you were on the receiving end of such a speech, you clung to that sentiment with every fiber of your being. If you were on the giving end, even as you said the words, you were simultaneously thinking, “It most certainly IS you!”
When I hear apologetics about strict tznius rules for women, that’s the line I think of. With every new chumra that’s adopted, the party line by men is always, “It’s not you, it’s me. We are the problem – men are animals!” In this way, women are subconsciously shamed into rising above the animalistic nature of men, and guilted into adopting a puritanical attitude toward their own sexuality and its outward expression. In reality, the underlying sentiment is, “It IS you! Your sexuality is too dangerous to be unleashed, and we must contain it!”
Upon reading marketing materials for tznius observance such as the one below (Hat Tip Frum Satire), it seems obvious that the assumption is that women have a teiva to wear provocative clothing. Apparently, without these reminders, women would soon be leaving the house dressed in Fredricks of Hollywood’s finest.Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Dress is not the only area where women’s provocative nature needs reigning in. We see that certain activities like exercise and dance can get women too excited. Some say women shouldn’t perform the immodest act of driving a car, which fosters too much independence and leaves them susceptible to driving off to engage in pritzus. Also, women should not participate in traditionally male only fields of service, such as the IDF army, since their virtue might be compromised in the barracks or on the field of battle. Running for political office is also not an acceptable endeavor, as that would necessitate women publicly campaigning for election and also challenge the self control of the men under their elected leadership. Likewise, they can’t volunteer for orthodox organizations like Hatzalah, because it would lead to socializing and extra marital affairs if female EMTs were on the crew.
These are just a few examples of curtailing women’s behavior and participation in society because of the fear of their untamed sexuality. The first two instances directly imply that women, if left to their own devices, can go off the rails. In the last threee examples, the culpability of women is unspoken. The men are made out to be natural aggressors with women as their potential victims. However, it takes two to tango.
I’ve often thought that a husband’s requirement to perform his marital duties proves this point too. If men are so sex crazed, surely they wouldn’t need to be halachically compelled to perform their marital duties? The only way I can see this logically making sense is a Sister Wives scenario, where a polygamous man with many wives might pick certain favorites and neglect the others. In that case, he would need to be reminded about his obligation to pay attention to each wife, and have guidelines set down for how frequently he visits each one.
However, if we are talking about a monogamous marriage in which a husband only has one partner, wouldn’t it go without saying that he would want to do his duty? In fact, Talmud, Eruvin 100b, does say that a husband can’t force his wife into relations, which would seem the more common scenario for our supposedly sex-obsessed men. However, there seem to be many more halachos that dictate a man’s obligation not to neglect his sex starved wife. The Talmud seems to indicate that women are more in need of physical affection than men are.
The Mishneh Torah, Sefer Kedushah, Issurei Biah Chapter 21:13 says that if an audacious woman initiates relations with her husband, the resulting children will be rebellious, sinful, and remain in suffering exile. That this situation merits discussion, indicates that wives initiating sex is a fairly common circumstance that should be thwarted. Once again, there is an acknowledgement of women’s sexual aggressiveness, and a warning to not fall prey to it.
Socially and historically, it’s well known that even the most powerful men have been brought down by beautiful women. Feminine sex appeal is a strong weapon that some women know how to use to their full advantage. Our sages knew of that danger, and put safeguards into place, such as yichud and shomer negiah, to avoid falling to temptation.
I remember a story about an elderly rabbi who was sitting in his study. All day, people from the town would come to his home to ask him shailas. Usually, the rabbi’s wife would answer the door and show them into his study. If a woman came with a question for the rabbi, his wife would accompany her and stay in the study while the rabbi answered her question.
One day, the rabbi’s wife was out shopping. An old woman came to the rabbi’s house with a kashrut shaila and knocked on the front door. No one answered, but the door was open and she went inside. She had been to the rabbi’s house many times before and knew the way to his study. Unannounced, she opened the door to his office, stepped inside, and closed the door. Immediately, the old rabbi jumped up, ran to the window, and hurled himself out into the garden.
The startled woman ran outside to the yard to see if the rabbi was ok.
“What happened?” she cried. “Why did you jump out of the window?”
As the rabbi brushed off the leaves and twigs from his clothing he replied, “Because a man and a woman are not permitted to be alone in a closed room together!”
“But, rabbi, you and I are over 80 years old!” the old woman laughed. “What possible trouble could we get into?”
The rabbi said, “The yezter hora can make a young man of me and a young woman of you!”
This is one of the few stories I’ve heard where culpability is attributed to both the man and the woman. Most prohibitions and parables involve discussing lack of control and forwardness on the parts of men. The exception to this is when non Jewish women are discussed. However, by necessity, that same lack of control must be present in Jewish women for there to be any real danger.
If Jewish women were really considered the paragons of virtue purported by the platitudes, there would be no need for yichud or a hyper focus on tznius clothing. Women would naturally dress and behave appropriately and ensure that no sexual improprieties ever occurred.
The reality is that rabbis realize the female sexual urge matches that of the male, and possibly even surpasses it in some cases. Women’s sexuality is governed by the use of the “it’s not you, it’s me” reverse psychology. By telling women that their natural instinct is to be modest and have a lower libido than their male counterparts, women will strive to live up to this desired societal ideal. It’s brilliant, when you think about it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
