“Hello.  My name is Yair Hoffman.  A number of women approached me and asked me to write an article about the declining state of Tznius dress among Bais Yaakov graduates.  I wrote one.  It was a carefully researched halacha article.  I did not wish to bash people and tried writing it in a manner that assumed people did not know the halacha.  I did not see this myself, but I assumed that this was the case.  I showed the version to the women who approached me and they made emendations to the exact issues involved.

To their credit, a number of people have re-exained what they have written and have realized that there is a person on the other end.  That person is a human being with a wife, beautiful children, etc.  I am sure you are a good person, aloving wife and a good mother.  But to accuse me of standing in carpool lanes looking at women’s legs is just wrong. 

I am enclosing another halacha article that I just wrote for your perusal.  I wrote it l’zecher nishmas someone who has just lost their mother, who had asked me to write it.”

Yesterday, I posted a link on Facebook to an online semi-apology to Rabbi Hoffman, by the blogger, The Evolving Jew.  He too had written a criticism of Rabbi Hoffman’s article and behavior, and wished to make note of a comment that Rabbi Hoffman left on his blog -

“This morning, Rabbi Hoffman himself commented on the post:

“Actually I wikipedia-ed the information and never saw the issue of non-tzniyus drop-ffs myself. The information was brought to me by a number of women, a few of them. I wrote the correct halacha and do not appreciate the attacks on my character for simply writing halacha. I have been called a sexual pervert, a fetishist, and worse for this article – for simply writing halacha. I am not sure why people think that it is okay to do this. I am very disappointed.”

I obviously hurt the feelings of Rabbi Hoffman. His article, in my opinion, was ridiculous and deserved deep criticism. But I should not have implied that he was a sexual fetishist. I obviously never believed that, I was just using hyperbole to make my point.”

I have to say that after reading that Rabbi Yair Hoffman is basing his opinions on the word of women who approached him to write an article, this does put him in a different light.  I also must say, that much of the vilification could have been avoided if he had only started his article with this line, “ A number of women approached me and asked me to write an article about the declining state of Tznius dress among Bais Yaakov graduates.“  Because Rabbi Hoffman wrote the article as if he were making first hand observations, naturally, the reader assumed that he was spending an inordinate amount of time focusing on tznius in a way which seems inherently, well,  untznius.

Being a woman who wears leggings under skirts to exercise, I do not agree with his final psak that leggings are immodest.  However, given the above information on how he based his opinion, I no longer find his position offensive.

“First is the general prohibition to appear in immodest attire (see Meiri, Kesubos 72a). There are numerous pesukim cited by poskim to this effect.”

I think that what constitutes immodest attire is dependent on what community you live in and what type of activity you are doing while wearing said attire.  In other words, immodest attire is a subjective judgement.  While in my community, denim and floor sweeping colorful skirts are considered perfectly modest, in another community (perhaps even those 15 minutes from my own home) those articles of clothing are not permitted.

“Second is a violation of ubechukoseihem lo seilechu, “do not walk in their ways.” This is discussed by Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, zt’l (Igros Moshe YD I #81). It is a violation of walking in the ways of the gentiles if one adopts a practice that originated and is practiced by gentiles that involves either idol-worship or immodesty.”

I can see no connection between leggings and idol worship, and as I previously stated in my article, I don’t see how leggings are any less modest than tights or pantyhose, if worn under an appropriate length skirt.  As far as not adopting modes of dress practiced by gentiles, who knows where some of the accepted codes of dress commonly worn by hasidim/haredim stem from?  Some allege their dress has Babylonian, Turkish, and Muslim origins.

“Third is the prohibition of v’lifnei iver lo sitein michshol—do not place a stumbling block. This is discussed by Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, zt’l (Yechaveh Da’as III #67).” ……The problem is that these leggings are often worn under a pencil spandex skirt. Frequently, these skirts do not reach the knee or will invariably rise above the knee—a serious halachic problem according to Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zt’l (Minchas Shlomo Vol. III 103:15), Rav Elyashiv, zt’l, and others (cited in Halichos Bas Yisroel page 71). The Kuntrus Malbushei Nashim (page 11) cites numerous poskim to this effect as well, as does the former chief rabbi of Tel Aviv in Assei Lecha Rav (Vol. VII p. 247).What further complicates the issue is that many women are entirely unaware of the problem. They do not know that it is the nature of a pencil skirt worn with leggings to rise above the knee. Thus, even when the problem is pointed out to them, they will think that they personally are strictly adhering to modest dress.”

Again, I think I have made my feelings known about women being responsible for men’s lustful thoughts.  I do however, understand that even with leggings, the halacha doesn’t change in terms of covering the knees.  A skirt still needs to be below the knee while wearing leggings, just as it does while wearing tights.  Likewise, just as a skirt might rise a bit while wearing tights, it might also rise a bit while wearing leggings and getting in and out of a car for carpool.

Maybe I can enlighten Rabbi Hoffman as to why some of us wear leggings.  I think that sometimes, when a question is posed, immediately  the gemarah is opened, the citations cited, the commentaries quoted.  However, halacha is not just about the head, it’s also about the heart.  It’s not dry words and arguments on a page, it’s the practical application to every day life.

A few years ago I was sick.  Really sick.  You see, I had preeclampsia with my last baby (8 1/2 years ago), went into preterm labor in my 5th month, and developed dangerously high blood pressure.  I was put on bed rest for the duration of pregnancy, both to prevent going into labor and to prevent a stroke or heart attack which could happen due to my untreated hypertension (blood pressure meds are not safe to use during pregnancy).

It was assumed that I would go “back to normal” as soon as the baby was born. However, reality quickly sunk in.  I was over 60 pounds heavier, thanks to lying in bed and eating all day, and my blood pressure remained dangerously high.  My muscles were weakened from months of disuse, and it was a challenge even to get up and down the stairs.  A nice dose of postpartum depression didn’t help my motivation to get back into shape either.  To make a long story short, I wallowed away in poor health for years, barely getting by to perform my everyday responsibilities, until the prospect of staying the same became more daunting than the prospect of changing.

So, I changed.  I couldn’t imagine doing any strenuous exercise.  I decided to do something I loved, something low impact, and something I could stick with for the long haul.  I decided to buy a bicycle.  Yes, I know that in many communities, a woman riding a bike is an inherently untznius act.  However, biking was the road to my recovery.  It wasn’t easy to begin my journey, and part of that unease was wondering what I would wear.  The headgear wasn’t a problem.  A pre-tied snood and a helmet did just fine for the headcovering.  The top wasn’t an issue, as a long sleeve or 3/4 sleeve t-shirt did the trick.  However, what to wear below?

I couldn’t wear a skirt with nothing underneath, and even tights wouldn’t work.  Pedaling around in a billowing skirt could get me arrested for indecent exposure!  I decided to go with leggings, because they serve the function of pants without being overly bulky underneath a skirt.  The next question was what type of skirt to wear.  I tried pleated skirts, cotton skirts, longer skirts, mid-calf skirts.  In all of these, my skirts got caught in the gears or back wheels, causing near accidents.  I started wearing lycra pencil skirts, not overly tight, but narrow and short enough that they don’t get caught in the bicycle.  Yes, although I don’t need to get out of my car, I do wear my cycling clothes to drop off carpool.

But, you know what, bicycling saved my life!  From my first tentative pedals, not having ridden a bike since childhood, to my first 20 mile ride, the pounds came off bit by bit.  My blood pressure also lowered, although unfortunately, my preeclampsia sparked a lifelong condition of hypertension requiring medication.  So, if I have to sacrifice a modicum of modesty by wearing lycra skirts and leggings, I’ll do it.  It’s worth it to stay healthy and continue an exercise that I will stick with for the long term.

Maybe my story is completely irrelevant to your viewpoint.  Even if it doesn’t change your stance, I would ask that you not posken halacha in a bubble, or by checking wikipedia to find out the issues.  I know that sometimes women can be even more stringent upon the laws of tznius than rabbis are.  I don’t know if it stems from jealousy (I’m not allowed to wear that, so why is she?) or some sense that we have so few mitzvot to call our own that we are going to be extra vigilant gatekeepers of the ones we do have?  Whatever, the reason, I ask that you find out the personal stories behind the shailahs.

I do ask you for mechila for hurting your feelings, and apologize for any personal attacks on your character.

“You remain trapped as a single person in a community where there is nothing more shameful than being single.” – Fraidy Reiss, founder and executive director of Unchained At Last

This quote stood out to me in today’s Newsweek article that profiles the plight of agunot in the Jewish orthodox world.  While the article is about the recent social media frenzy highlighting Jewish women whose husbands won’t grant them a get (Jewish bill of divorce), I couldn’t help but be disturbed by Fraidy Reiss’s remark.

It got me wondering, is there really nothing more shameful than being single in the frum community? What about being a child molester? How about being a get refuser? What about being an orthodox convicted criminal? One person (hat tip Shragi Ackerman) asserted that the only thing more shameful than being a single frum Jew, is being a childless frum Jew.  I would add to this list being a gay frum Jew.

Of course, the state of singlehood in the frum community has been discussed and analyzed at length by bloggers far more equipped to expound on the subject than I am.  Being an older single in the frum community is like looking through the window of a ballroom on a snowy evening,  your breath making fog snowflakes on the pane, as you watch happy revelers enjoying the simcha inside.

However, in the 21st century, many frum singles are deciding to embrace whatever time they have left before matrimony, and are enjoying the freedom that comes with being unattached.   New York’s Upper West Side and Washington Heights neighborhoods are home to a large percentage of frum singles who have created an entire community for themselves.  Of course, whenever people flock together to make lemonade out of lemons, a tincture that goes against the standard societal expectation to be miserable in singlehood, there will be critics.

Howard Barbanel, in his article, The New Shiddach Crisis: Over-40 Orthodox Singles, is quick to point out that those frum singles who never married are usually to blame for their situation.  He cites those singles who are:

“phobic to a point of paralysis – be it fear of commitment, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, “settling,” or any combination of the above.” 

Barbanel also points out that:

“some never-marrieds who are confirmed bachelors and bachelorettes who actually revel in the superficially fun lifestyle of dating someone new all the time. These people will also tell you they’re still looking for “the one,” because it’s just socially unacceptable in the Orthodox world to say you don’t want to get married, but they really don’t.”

Additionally, he claims that a portion of older frum singles:

“are just a little bit odd or off – a condition that is often exacerbated over many years residing in microscopic Manhattan studio apartments talking to the walls and their cats.”

Divorced women are not exempt from Barbanel’s contempt, as he says that many divorced women choose to remain single because of the bad experiences they had with their ex husbands.  He sarcastically concedes, however, that:

“They would make an exception for a hedge fund guy bringing in seven figures a year and who looks like Brad Pitt, but these fellows are few and far between.”

He goes on to stereotype frum and single divorcees:

“Many of these girls just want to have fun, so they will have liaisons with men from outside the community (so their modesty is preserved within it) and run out to parties and clubs. A lot of these ladies look at themselves in the mirror and (in a state of delusion) see a 23 year-old in their reflection and so sometimes behave accordingly even though they may be the mother of several children. These women are not interested in or able to have any more children so they don’t see the need to be married, especially to balding, aging guys evincing various degrees of emerging corpulence and lacking wads of flash cash with which to enable Prada shopping sprees or fancy vacations.”

Finally, decrying the new acceptance of being single and happy in the orthodox world, Barbanel concludes:

“I don’t know what the overall prescription is for this dilemma other than that a paradigm shift needs to take place, aided by the community, to say that to be Orthodox means to be married and that marriage is not just for making babies (which is vital) but also to give you the fulfillment that comes with a richer life made possible by companionship and that life ought not to be lived alone or in random hookups of dubious emotional satisfaction.”

Among the singles I am acquainted with, none are single by choice.  They know all too well the blame placed upon them by society for their single status – too picky, not aggressive enough (meet that shadchan, go to that singles event, accept that blind date!), must have issues (generally meaning emotional or psychological), must not be committed to fixing themselves and attracting a partner (lose that weight, straighten those teeth, have that plastic surgery), the list goes on.  There might be some never marrieds who are closeted homosexuals, and would rather remain single than destroy a heterosexual partner’s life.  Some divorced singles might, indeed, have seen enough of marriage to know that they don’t want to go another round.

Being single is not the most shameful thing an orthodox person can be.  I don’t know what the most shameful thing an orthodox person can be is, but as long as we continue to close our eyes to the real shame happening in our communities, the label is meaningless anyway.

“I am ashamed of anyone who has eyes and still can’t see.”
― Kathryn Lasky, The Journey

Video blaming Israeli government cutbacks on the current poverty suffered by kollel families.  This video was shown at the 91st Agudath Israel of America Convention on November 16th, 2013. The video was produced by a collaboration of the Hamodia Daily Newspaper and Kolrom Multimedia.

I was shocked after reading yesterday’s article, The Child-Rape Assembly Line, by Christopher Ketcham in Vice Magazine.  Ketcham documents a vivid description of the casual rape of a seven year old boy in a local mikva, witnessed by child abuse activist, Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg.  This is a must read article for anyone who doubts that sexual abuse happens within the orthodox world.

However, another side point in Ketcham’s article interested me too.  I was struck by the role that money plays in keeping the status quo of power within the community.  Michael Lesher, a practicing Jew who has investigated Orthodox sex abuse and is writing a book on the subject, talks about the wealth disparity between the rabbis and their followers:

“….current Orthodox leadership, accruing wealth from the tithes of subservient followers, is “drifting to the right, politically as well as religiously.” Many rabbis in New York City have taken up the banner of neoliberalism. “Every English-language Orthodox publication I know embraced Romney during the 2012 elections, decried national health insurance, blamed liberals for bribing the lower classes,” he said. “In Orthodox society, just as in America at large, the financial mismatch between the elite and the rest of us is ominously large.””

Ben Hirsch, director of Survivors for Justice, a Brooklyn organization that advocates for Orthodox sex abuse victims, also was interviewed for the Vice article.  Ketcham paraphrases Hirsch:

“Families saddled with an increasing number of children soon enter into a cycle of poverty. There is simultaneously an extreme separation of the sexes, which is unprecedented in the history of the Hasidim. There is limited general education, to the point that most men in the community are educated only to the third grade, and receive absolutely no sexual education. No secular newspapers are allowed, and internet access is forbidden. “The men in the community are undereducated by design,” Ben said. “You have a community that has been infantilized. They have been trained not to think. It’s a sort of totalitarian control.””

Ironically, on the same day as this Vice article was published, Forbes came out with its annual list of Israel’s Wealthiest Rabbis.  The ten wealthiest Israeli rabbis own a combined fortune of over $620 million.  According to a summary in The Forward,

“Rabbi Pinchas Abuhatzeira is Israel’s richest rabbi by a long shot, with an estimated net worth of about $367 million.  At 36 years old, he is also the youngest rabbi on the list. He inherited a massive fortune and a large following from his father, Rabbi Elazar Abuhatzaeira, who was murdered in 2011. The elder Abuhatzeira was stabbed to the death by a mentally disturbed follower to whom he had previously given marital advice. Superstar rabbis like Abuhatzeira can collect large sums in return for advice, blessings, amulets, and attending their followers’ family events.”

The Forward article ends by saying,

“Two Hasidic leaders also made it onto the list: the Gur Rebbe (No. 2) and the Belz Rebbe (No. 3). Both lead powerful Hasidic movements that were decimated during the Holocaust, but are now growing in population – and wealth.

While a few ultra-Orthodox rabbis have done quite well for themselves, the majority of their flock lives below the poverty line. Nor are all Israeli rabbis as wealthy as these 10 well-heeled rabbis – most make modest salaries.

No word yet on when we can expect a list of America’s wealthiest rabbis.”

I found it interesting that Gur Rebbe was listed number 2 on the list, considering his stance against ostentatious wealth.  In The Simple Life: The Case Against Ostentation in Jewish Law , Hershey Friedman writes,

“One Hassidic sect that has strict rules about the amount that may be spent on weddings is Gur. Because the price of apartments in Jerusalem is so high, they are told to live in other communities. In fact, they have a large community in Arad. The Rabbi of Gur warned the streimel (fur hats worn by Hassidim) manufacturers that if the price would be too high, he would order his Hassidim to stop wearing the streimels.”

It is nice that the Gur Rebbe acknowledges the poverty of his community, but how about spreading some of the wealth?

In America, the prevalence of haredi poverty is growing along with its numbers.  American rabbis also try to offer advice to ease the financial burdens of their congregants.  Friedman writes,

“At the 2001 Agudath Israel Annual Convention, a brochure entitled “Guidelines for Financial Realism and Tzenius [modesty] in our Chasunas [weddings]” was given to participants. It called for such measures as eliminating the vort [engagement party], limitations on the smorgasbord, elimination of the bar and Viennese table, a ceiling of 400 invited guests, limits on the menu and dessert, and recommended a one-piece band (maximum of four musicians). The brochure notes that the reason for these restrictions is not only for financial reasons, i.e., they place a great burden on individuals of limited means, but primarily because “they simply detract from the ultimate purpose of our existence.”"

Of course, there is no practical advice on how to make more money, such as getting an education or a job.  However, by making their already sparse lives even more spartan, their hardships can be eased.  It goes without saying that most of the rabbanim calling for plain simchas, make the most large and lavish affairs.

As in Israel, dependence upon public assistance programs is not unusual in American ultra orthodox communities.  This Daily Beast article discusses welfare in communities such as Kiryas Joel and Williamsburg,

“Take the overwhelmingly Hasidic Kiryas Joel, the poorest place in America. As the Times reported last year, “half of [its] residents receive food stamps, and one third receive Medicaid benefits and rely on federal vouchers to help pay their housing costs.” And boy, do they have children: The median household in Kiryas Joel has six people, and the median age is twelve. Many of its men learn Torah full-time instead of working, and the community’s low high-school graduation rate would be even lower if its religious schools had real academic standards. These kids are hardly being “socialized to the world of work.” And it’s not just Kiryas Joel: back in 1996, at the heart of “welfare reform,” a full third of Williamsburg’s Hasidim received public assistance.”

Certainly, Satmar’s “Royal Teitelbaums,” as New York Magazine dubbed them, do not seem to need food stamps to supply their tish with delicacies.

Of course, there are also many rabbanim who live simply and eschew grandeur and gashmius.   Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, zl, the late leader of the Ashekanzic Orthodox community worldwide and of the Lithuanian hareidi yeshiva community, lived in a small 2 room apartment with his daughter, learning Torah in the bedroom during his waking hours.  Rabbi Refael Reuvain Grozovsky, zl from Minsk was also known to have lived a very simple and modest life,

“Rabbi Grozovsky was known to lead a simple and sparse life. Sometimes he and his wife had to borrow money from his students. They also shared a cramped apartment with his wife’s parents, both because of his modest way of life and in order to learn as much as possible from his famous father-in-law.”

The one thing that all great rabbis of today have in common, is that even if they have different attitudes toward amassing personal wealth, they all have the ability to raise great sums of money from their followers, or through political connections.  Meaning, they have access to money, even if it isn’t their own, at their disposal.  That ready access to finance gives them power over the flocks they tend.

Imagine that you are a poor haredi father, you learn and your wife teaches, your children number in the double digits.  You receive government benefits, day school scholarships, Tomchei Shabbos assistance, and are a regular customer at various local gemachs.  You are beholden to a rabbi and community that have urged you into this impoverished existence l’shem shamayim (for the sake of heaven).   You can’t make waves or complain of injustices or disparities of wealth between those with power and those without.  It’s not wise to bite the hand that feeds you.  So you shine your worn shoes, put on a happy face, sing for your supper at the rebbe’s tish, and daven that Hashem has better things in store for you – if not in this life, than in the Olam Haemes.

There is a viral photo going around of an orthodox Jewish man, Oscar “Isaac” Theil, letting an unidentified African American man sleep on his shoulder on a NY train.  “He had a long day so let him sleep. We’ve all been there,” Theil responded.

This is a beautiful photo and story – a real kiddush Hashem. As Jews it is our job to be “tzelem Elokim,” (hat tip Rabbi Yerachmiel D. Fried, “Brother, Can You Spare a Shoulder?” in the Texas Jewish Post, brought to my attention by Larry) and Isaac Theil did just that by his act of kindness.

The photo made me recall the same story that happened in reverse to my son when my family was on a layover in London on our way to Eretz Yisroel in 2010. This is especially poignant to me considering quite a few stories I have recently read about rising anti semitism in Europe. Yes, there are bad people everywhere, but there are so many good ones too!

My son, baseball cap on head and obviously Jewish with his kippah wearing/scarf wearing parents, fell asleep on an Irish gentleman’s shoulder on the London train/tube due to jet lag. I apologized, but the fellow was a great sport about it, and gladly let my son rest on him for the duration of the ride.  Let’s not forget that there are mensches on both sides!

I was watching a BBC Channel 4 Dispatches episode called, Britain’s Hidden Child Abuse. One of the segments of the show featured an undercover abuse survivor secretly taping a meeting with Rabbi Ephraim Padwa, head of the Haredi Union of Hebrew Orthodox Congregations (UHOC), who discourages him from reporting abuse to the police. He says that it is forbidden to report abuse to the police because it is mesirah, and anyone who does so is a moser (informant).

Recently in the orthodox world, there have been scandals widely publicized in the secular press. As social media activism becomes more common, informants are not only victims who wish to press charges, but also concerned citizens who wish to publicize such abuse. The practice of informing law enforcement, politicians, and general society about injustices that have heretofore been kept hidden from the public eye, has now fallen to third party advocates. Mesirah is no longer an activity contained to the parties directly involved in the crime/abuse.  Concerned citizens are taking on the role of moser proudly, if it means ending the abuse being perpetrated by deviant members of their communities.

One such recent case is the widely publicized story of agunah, Gital Dodelson.  Dodelson hired self-described social agitator, Shira Dicker, to take her plight to the public.  A guest blogger on Daas Torah, Kat Shel Beryonim, asks why gedolim are not publicly condemning Dodelson’s decision to present her predicament to the media. In fact, Kat Shel Beryonim has his own blog asking gedolim to put Gital Dodelson in cheirim (shunning) for going to the press with her story.   He  writes on Daas Torah -

“The stakes are now much higher then just Dodelson vs Weiss. It is a question as to whether the Chareidi world will bow to pressure from folks who clearly do not have our best interests in mind. I honestly believe that even if Avraham Meir was wrong it is assur for him to give a get. Doing so would create a tremendous chillul hashem and further erode faith in our gedolim and the beis din system. Now every yid who has a complaint about his neighbor will now go to the press which will eagerly lap up the story of those archaic Orthodox Jews, and they will say if she can do it why can’t I. Why is she any better then other people whom were wronged and were told to hush up for the sake of the community, and that it would cause to big of a chilul hashem?”

His argument is that if countless other victims had to shut up and suck it up about abuse they suffered, Gital, and anyone else thinking of turning to the press, should have to suck it up too.  I think the answer is that no one should have to remain silent while their abuse continues and their abusers walk free.  Neither Gital, nor any other Jew, should have to remain silent because they were told that informing on a fellow Jew is a bigger sin than not giving a get or sexually violating a minor.

Frum incest survivor and blogger, Genendy Eisgrau, published a letter she received from a woman in her community -

“…what am I to think/do? All of the Rabbonim in Baltimore are supporting your father and send their children to TI. When my husband and I did research and spoke to some local Rabbonim regarding this issue, everyone was on the same page. So what exactly do your recommend? What would you do in my shoes? Believe the words of an “estranged” daughter who da’as Torah has said to ignore, or follow the words of our Rabbonim? In my own opinion your words may sound real, but how am I to choose you over daas Torah? I’m not a fan of blind faith, but the essence of my Judaism is hinged on mesorah and following the words of our gedolim. Without a firm belief in psak and the rulings of daas Torah, we’d be even more lost than we are today! Every single Rav I spoke to, both in Baltimore and out, agreed that your words should not get in the way of sending my son to TI. I even went so far as to ask some very detailed and specific questions regarding the safety of my child, and the answers I received were reassuring.

So please tell me, my dear Genendy, what would you do in my situation? Do I listen to the guidance I was given, or Ignore all of daas Torah, and listen to the words of some random stranger’s blog who says that TI is not a safe place to be??”

Genendy’s response -

“My own personal view of what da’as Torah is, and how it applies in this, and any situation has changed dramatically from my family’s, and is actually shared by many frum Torah Jews including those who many consider our real “Gedolim”.

In Perkai Avos it is written, “Asai Lecha Rav” “Make” for yourself a rav. As a community we MAKE our leaders. We CHOOSE them. We GIVE them the power to decide about things that are important to us.

If we choose leaders for ourselves that can not lead us properly than we WILL be misled, and it is OUR responsibility because we GAVE them this power. Some in the frum community allow others to choose their rav for them, or they choose a rav who is incompetent to advise them, and then if someone is hurt, be it another person, or even themselves or their child, they deny all responsibility by quoting, “da’as Torah.”

This attitude is taking the concept of da’as Torah in a very unhealthy and corrupt direction. It is using da’as Torah to avoid responsibility for our choices and our decisions.”

Information changes us.  We can’t unsee something we have seen.  We can’t unhear something we have heard.  We can’t erase information that’s been imparted.  Receiving information comes with a responsibility.  That responsibility is to form conclusions based on the information we have been given, and act upon those conclusions accordingly – whether by actions or inaction.  Until now, rabbinic leaders were privy to information about heinous occurrences within the community.  They decided to take action or not, based on the information they had been given.  Communities trusted their leaders to make these decisions for them – they didn’t need to know the details.  In cases of child abuse, the rate of recidivism is high -

“Some people claim that child abusers can’t be cured and invariably reoffend. Others suggest that recidivism rates are low and that sex offenders are less likely to reoffend than those who commit other types of crimes. What is the truth?

Overall, follow-up studies typically find sexual recidivism rates of 10%-15% after five years, 20% after 10 years, and 30%-40% after 20 years (see, Hanson, Morton, & Harris, 2003).

However, these numbers are conservative because not all offences are detected.

In fact, a careful review of the scientific and legal literature shows that determining true recidivism rates are next to impossible as recidivism rates only count the number of sex offenders released into the community who are caught and convicted.

The vast majority of sex offenses are never reported.”

Because abusers were thought to be manageable by rabbinic leadership, it was a shock when the accused became repeat offenders.  Unfortunately, the embarrassment of being brought before a tribunal and any subsequent social sanctions (stay away from mikvah, shul, schools, any public area where there are children) are not enough to deter a pedophile from his purpose.  Additionally, because the privacy of the abusers is a priority, people in the community are often unaware that there is a predator in their midst.

When online activists and bloggers started reporting stories of abuse within the community, it was the first time that many lay people became aware of these situations.  For the first time, the orthodox public had information that previously had only been granted to an exclusive group.  The effects have been mind blowing for people like the Baltimore mother who wrote to incest survivor, Genendy Eisgrau.  Who do we follow, daas torah or random bloggers telling us of these horrible shandahs (disgraces)?

At the end of the day, what role do I have as a blogger, to report on such injustices?  Do I have an obligation to check out the facts before commenting on a situation?  Am I guilty of mesirah if I wasn’t the first one to bring the situation to light – but I am merely discussing what has already been written?  If I know of a situation that hasn’t yet been publicized, am I allowed to be the first one to report the facts as I know them?  I think intention is everything.  If the purpose of writing a piece is to protect the public by making a situation known, then can’t it be considered pikuach nefesh (in the most extreme case)?  If the purpose of writing a piece is because the writer has a personal grudge against the parties involved, of course the information will be suspect.  How is the reader to know about ulterior motives that a writer may have?

Online information about abuse happening in Jewish orthodox society isn’t going to disappear.  In fact, information on abuse within the frum world will only grow more prolific as people scramble to add their voice to the mix.  Additional online arenas will be created for those voices to be heard.  Our job is to become more sophisticated information connoisseurs.  We must not take what we read, as bloggers or as concerned citizens, at face value.  We have the obligation of due diligence to determine whether or not a story is credible.  Mesirah might be a life saving endeavor in today’s world.  The meaning of the word moser is evolving and changing – both in who is or isn’t a moser, and in whether or not the label is shameful or heroic.

A few weeks ago I joined Facebook.  I had been off of that site for a few years for a variety of reasons, and hadn’t missed it.  However, since starting my blog, I have grown to realize that a good portion of readers and relevant discussion is happening over there.  I seemed to be missing the boat by not having a Facebook presence for Kol B’Isha Erva.  I took the plunge and created an account.

Being back on Facebook has been an eye opening experience.  In some ways, it’s been positive.   I see people forming connections in groups and discussing issues of concern to the frum community.  I see activism taking place, inspiring others to sign letters to district attorneys and judges to get tough on child abuse, to help agunahs receive a get, and to help a Jewish mother get her kids back from their abusive father.

In other ways, there has been a lot of negativity.  Facebook is like high school on steroids.  Teens are often highly unfiltered in what they say to peers and authority figures.  Apparently, Facebook is the place where we grownups get to be teens again, whether hiding behind a screen pseudonym or under our own names.  We all get brave online.  I readily admit that I am much bolder with my written words than in verbal conversation.  I do try to maintain a respectful code of conduct while online, but I know there are times when I fail.

The most interesting thing that has happened is “meeting” people on Facebook who friend me through this blog.  Usually, someone will read a blog post, connect with my message, and friend me thinking that I am a likeminded individual.  Many times they are correct, but sometimes not.  The question I get asked most often is if I am off the derech.  The next most common question I get is if I am gay.   My stock response is that I am neither of those things, but am sympathetic to those who are.  The third most common question I get asked is if I am haredi or chassidic.  Can I also say that I am not, but am sympathetic to those who are?

Some of my posts reflect that I am part of the frum community and attempt to lead a halachically observant life.  Sometimes when I post something critical of the haredi world, it rattles some of my readers who assume that I am firmly in the ultra orthodox camp.  Likewise, when I post something critical of the off the derech movement, it brings down the wrath of readers who thought I was sympathetic toward those who have left orthodoxy.

My answer is that I am a person who asks questions.  My questions aren’t limited to my own orthodox community, but also reach out to those beyond my particular brand of yiddishkeit.  After all, we are all just Jews.  What one group does affects the others.   I don’t blindly accept the tenants of any faith, nor do I blindly accept the versions of anyone’s truth.  I accept the right for people to have their own truths, but that doesn’t mean that I have to accept it as my own.

Regarding questions I ask about haredi communities, I have to look inside my heart.  I can’t deny that stories in the news negatively influence my opinions about haredi groups.  I can’t deny that with each passing article about blurring female faces in publications, blaming haredi poverty on government cutbacks, communities holding fundraisers and rallies for child abusers, the list goes on – my view of the haredi world is a little more tainted.

For myself, I know that this negative outlook stems from fear.  Fear that some of these societal scandals and stringencies will come to my own, more modern, community.  My older children are already being given a stricter approach than I ever imagined in their schools.  A few are being taught that it is assur (forbidden) to speak to members of the opposite sex, that masturbation creates dead spiritual babies who will torment men upon their judgment days in olam haemes, and that it’s admirable for men to keep their eyes shut in the presence of women when they come to lecture at schools for girls.

However, two instances recently in the news have caused me to check myself before diving over that hate cliff.  One was an incident at a fancy kosher steak house, Prime Grill.  My husband and I have been to Prime Grill several times.  It is a rare treat we sometimes indulge in when we visit New York, and we have always had excellent food and service.  Therefore, I was disappointed to read that a rogue waiter at the restaurant had tacked on a 20% gratuity fee for a chassidic couple.  The waiter incorrectly told the couple that it was standard to add the gratuity to the tab for all chassidic diners.  The waiter stereotyped the chassidic couple as the sort who would not leave a tip, or would leave an insufficient amount.  Of course, news of the couple’s overcharge has circulated through the kosher grapevine like wildfire.  Upon hearing the couple’s complaint, Prime Grill owner, Joey Allaham immediately fired the waiter, reversed the gratuity surcharge on the couple’s credit card, and has offered to donate the amount of the meal to the couple’s favorite charity.

Another instance of negative stereotyping occurred when a well written article by a Satmar biblical scholar, named Yoel,  hit the web.  The hullabaloo wasn’t as much about the content of the article, but rather, the disbelief that a real Satmar could be so well spoken.  The speculation of fraud got so bad, that Rabbi Eliyahu Fink personally spoke to the gentleman, confirming that he was indeed who he claimed to be.  Rabbi Fink denounced the bigotry that doubting this fellow implied –

“To think that a certain group or subgroup is inherently inferior and incapable of achieving greatness is bigotry. Pure and simple. It’s no different than saying that a black person cannot be president or that a woman cannot be a Supreme Court Justice or that an Asian cannot play basketball or that an Orthodox Jew cannot be a rockstar. There are talented and incredible people everywhere. Some are given an easier path to discovering and sharing that talent, but talent is everywhere.

We should be encouraging talent from the chasidic community to contribute to greater society, and stop being so shocked when they actually do.”

Former chassids also decried the stereotype that there is an innate lack of talent or intelligence within the haredi community.  Lack of educational opportunity does not equal stupidity.  Those looking to further their education either through their own endeavors or formal academic training, are certainly just as capable as anyone else of intellectual achievement.

My challenge is to be able to question, analyze, and discuss the actions of those in my wider daled amos (home), yet not judge.  I need to remember that that the actions and attitudes of a few do not necessarily define those of the majority.  If I prejudge a person from the haredi community, how is that any different than non Jews or non religious Jews judging me?  I know what it’s like to be labeled as a professional baby maker, an oppressed woman, and have people react with surprise when they find out I have two college degrees.  How can I do that to another person?  My goal is to be able to debate, yet not hate.

It’s not a problem!  Yeah, you!  Come over here.  Shhhh!  Where there’s a will there’s a way, right?

Here’s how it works.  I know a guy….a facilitator if you will.  We’ll call him Shlomo.  He can get you around the heter meah Rabbanim.  It’s not a problem.

Here’s how it works – first you need to pay the fee.  If you have the money, great.  If not, Shlomo  can help you raise it.  The standard fee is around $50,000.  These things aren’t easy to orchestrate, you know.  Listen, he has a beis din that he normally works with.  You tell them the situation, and they are almost always sympathetic.  They see it all the time.  Women can be emotional…not see that the divorce is for the best.  See, I understand?  Am I right?

If for some reason the beis din doesn’t agree, it’s also not a problem.  Shlomo can get a new beis din together easy, just for your case.  It’s all kosher – these are shtark Dayanim, all of them.  Shlomo only works with the best so the heter will never be questioned.  He guarantees it.  Heck, Shlomo even acts as one of the Dayanim if he can only get two guys on such short notice.

Will your wife find out?  No!  Chas v’shalom!  She will be totally unaware that any of this is happening!  You don’t have to worry that she will make trouble…it’s all part of the service.  Beis din should be simple, you walk in and tell your story, they give the heter that you can remarry without the get.  Don’t worry, your surname won’t be used…no, no identifiable information about you or your wife.  First name basis only!

Here’s where the kollel community comes together.  It’s a beautiful thing, really.  Shlomo will take the heter to various yeshivos, accompanied by a donation.  He needs to get 100 signatures.  Yes, that’s part of where your fee goes – you think Shlomo is a ganif?  A tzadik is more like it!  The halacha is that the signatures need to be from at least three different countries, so the heter will be sent to kollelim in Eretz Yisroel, the United States, Europe, and sometimes South Africa.

Actually, some hold that three different states in the United States constitute medinos (countries).  But, we try and be machmir.   Now, ideally all the signatures come from rabbanim, but sometimes we can’t get rabbanim as quick as we need, so we have kollel yungerleit sign.  They aren’t that familiar with gitten or beis din, but they’ve learned enough that it’s patur.

Do you have to worry that those signing will want more information?  I’ll tell you a secret.  Most of them don’t even read the heter.  They just sign.  If their rosh yeshiva tells them to sign, they’ll sign.  They don’t need to know who, or why, or what.  They don’t need to know names.  If it’s good enough for their rebbe, it’s good enough for them.

Ok, once we get the signatures, Shlomo contacts your wife and tells her you are free to remarry.  He gives her the address of the beis din (he operates out of a small office in ____), where she can arrange to receive her get and kesubah.  That’s her choice.  At this point, you are free to marry and build a bayis ne’eman b’yisrael!  Mazel Tov!

By now you are probably thinking that the scenario above is the fantastical imaginings of a freminazi (frum feminist nazi).  I wish you were right.  However, the information came from a July 6, 2011 Hamodia article written anonymously by a “respected Rav.”  The article, Tragic Abuse of Heter Meah Rabbanim, spoke out strongly against this practice.  Being that this is the first time I have heard of such a practice, I wonder how much of an impact this article actually made when it was written.

The general practice of getting a heter meah Rabbanim was pointed out to me when I asked a Facebook question about the RCA’s recent statement, RCA Condemns Refusal to Deliver or Receive a get.  My question was whether or not there was a precedent of a woman refusing a get?  Had there ever been a chained man?  It was pointed out to me that there was a scenario within the past 30 years or so, where a prominent Rosh Yeshiva’s wife refused to leave Eretz Yisroel and come with him to America so that he could take over his father’s yeshiva.  The rabbi went to the United States without her and tried to give her a get, but she refused.  In a rare move, he received a heter meah Rabbanim, and was permitted to take a second wife, which he did within a few months.

If the wife doesn’t want the divorce, she’s being emotional – unreasonable.  If the wife wants the divorce, she’s being emotional – unreasonable.  We can’t win.  Men can divorce us even if we want to stay married.  Men can keep us married even if we want to be divorced.  Where is the heter meah Rabbanim for women to take a second husband, get be damned?  Where is the loophole for agunot?  Nu, if we can free men from needing a get to remarry, where is a leniency for the ladies?  This kind of halachic creativity should work both ways, no?

I once read a book for female baalas teshuvahs (the title escapes me at the moment) where an anecdote from a Rebbetzin was given.  It’s a story that I have heard more than once, with slightly different details, so I will paraphrase what I remember.

A Rabbi and Rebbetzin attended a networking conference for Jewish professional women.  The Rabbi was going to give a keynote speech on halachic issues in the workplace.  The Rabbi went off to a side room to look over his notes, leaving the Rebbetzin to mingle and meet with the women at the conference.

Walking among the attendees during the hors devours hour, there was a distinguished representation of doctors, lawyers, CPAs, educators, and even a few elected officials.  Upon introduction, each woman asked the other what she did for a living.  When the Rebbetzin was asked her profession, she replied that she was a stay at home mother.  Hearing her response, the women’s eyes glazed over and they quickly ended the conversation to move on to someone with a more illustrious career.

Finally, the Rebbetzin grew weary of being dismissed.  When the next woman she met greeted her, they exchanged names and pleasantries.   This time, when the inevitable question about her profession came up, she replied that she ran a non-profit home for unwanted children.  Her companion exclaimed that she must be a saint!  The Rebbetzin went on to explain that she cooked, cleaned, tutored, clothed, budgeted, and managed medical care for eight little souls, whom no one else would take responsibility for.  It was a 24/7 career, but well worth it in the end.

The other woman shook her head in admiration and called some of her friends over.  They just had to hear about the noble work the Rebbetzin was doing to help this houseful of wayward children!  With a crowd of women paying rapt attention, the Rebbetzin stood in the center of the circle and described an average day in her busy life.

“With all that you do,” one woman cried,” I hope you are being paid a good salary!”

“Actually,” the Rebbetzin replied, “I don’t make a salary at all.  You see, the children I speak of are my own.  I am a stay at home mother.”

Of course, the women listening were floored and appropriately chastised.

This is a nice story that portrays how stay at home mothers are undervalued, but I wonder if we don’t do something similar in our own Jewish communities.  Every orthodox community depends on the tzedakah and elbow grease of its members.  Without donations and volunteer labor most shuls, schools, kollels, and other communal organizations couldn’t operate.   On any given night, there will always be people bustling about to volunteer their time, attend dinners, parlor meetings, and all sorts of various fundraisers.

In many cases, aside from doing a mitzvah, attending board meetings or participating in volunteer projects replaces other forms of socialization that happen in the secular world.  Instead of bowling night, it’s packing up food for the needy.  Instead of poker night, it’s making fundraising calls at the school.  Instead of heading to the local bar, it’s stuffing envelopes for the yearly banquet.  Although the motive is positive, the end result is many nights spent away from the family.

Where all this activity turns even more iffy, is when we are given the message that giving tzedakah and doing chesed only count for something when you are helping people outside of your family.  A friend and I were having a discussion about the chesed hours requirement at our kid’s school.  Many Jewish day schools, in order to teach the importance of doing chesed, will make mandatory volunteer hours outside of school that each student must complete.  The type of chesed done must be approved by the school.

In our school, students may not count their chesed hours from activities done at home.  We did manage to get our child special permission to do chesed hours at home this year, since I broke my leg.  We are fortunate that an exception was made.  However, my friend said that her request for her child to help out at home, due to her bad back, was not accepted.  Hence, she has to hire outside help, while her child does her chesed hours for another organization.  Another example would be that visiting an elderly grandparent would not fulfill the chesed requirement, while visiting elderly strangers in a nursing home would.

I can remember being the harried mother of 3 children, ages 3 and under.  I was working at the time, and practically a single parent, as my husband was in his medical residency program.  I saw examples around me of the ultimate balabusta – the modern day Jewish superwoman who worked, ran the home, raised the kids, and was a baalas chesed in her community.  I desperately wanted to emulate them.  A few years before the children were born, I tried to get involved in various communal chesed organizations.  One way I used to volunteer my time was cooking meals for women who just had babies or were recovering from illness.  However, by the time I had my 3 oldest children, it was getting difficult for me to even manage cooking for my own family.

Unfortunately, I had not yet mastered the fine art of saying no.  I really felt that if I didn’t help those outside my own daled amos, I was not fulfilling the mitzvah of doing chesed.  One morning, I woke up to the usual bustling routine of getting myself ready for work and the kids ready for preschool and day care, only to see a large red X on the kitchen calendar.  That X was a reminder that I was supposed to have delivered a dinner to a new mother the night before.  My stomach sank, and I felt like the worst person in the world.  I called the meal coordinator and apologized profusely.  I called the new parents and did the same.  I sent over a meal from the local pizza shop the next night.  I felt horrible.  I realized that I had reached my breaking point, and that overextending myself had only resulted in broken promises.

Pouring my heart out to an older and wiser friend, she told me that chesed starts at home.  What good is making a hot meal for someone else, while your own kids eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?  What good is giving your last penny of tzedakah, when your own bills are going unpaid? Beyond that, what good is giving your limited tzedakah dollars to strangers, when your parents/siblings/grandparents/cousins, etc. are struggling to make shabbos and yom tov?

Does chesed and tzedakah only count outside of your own daled amos?  Is that the lesson we want our kids to learn when they are told that only chesed done for strangers counts?  The social status that one receives when doing chesed for others is a great motivator.  I am not saying that people don’t have good motives – surely those that devote themselves to helping others and giving tzedakah are doing a mitzvah.  However, especially for women, how many opportunities do we have to distinguish ourselves outside the home within the community, but for the chesed we do?  Yes, doing chesed is a laudable activity, but we have to remember that it’s not chesed if we are working ourselves to the bone and neglecting our own family’s needs in the process.

The growing pains of orthodox Jewish activism efforts against child abuse are becoming apparent.  I opened my Facebook page this morning and was horrified to find a post shared on my timeline linking to a video clip of a young boy being groped by a Camp Dora Golding counselor this summer.

The incident apparently happened in July, and camp counselor Chisdai Ben-Porat, 19, of Ottawa, Canada, was charged with indecent assault of someone under 13 years old, unlawful contact with a minor and corruption of a minor at the camp.  The camp’s executive director, Alex Gold, told the press that the counselor was arrested within hours after the camper reported the alleged incident.  Another camper apparently filmed the incident on his cell phone, which was turned in as evidence, and now a short portion of that video has been leaked online.

This comes on the heels of allegations against another former Camp Dora Golding counselor, Rabbi Yisroel Bodkins. The link I received to the video of Chisdai Ben-Porat and his victim came from a Facebook group of alleged Bodkins abuse survivors.  The group has been posting recordings of bullying voice mails telling victims to shut up about the abuse they claim to have suffered at the hands of Bodkins.  Bodkins also has his own online cheer leading squad who are raising money for his legal fees and telling people that the accusations are all lies.

While I sympathize with the need to use desperate measures to have justice served, in my opinion, this film should be given to the police department to be used as evidence in court, not passed around the internet.  I understand that the purpose of posting the video is to prove that the abuse really happened.  However, I feel that by circulating this video, we are victimizing the underage child all over again. This is why I have chosen not to link directly to the video.

I hope that the family has given their permission for the video to be made public.  Even with parental permission, the laws regarding child pornography are so strict, posting a video of a minor being assaulted by an adult is still probably illegal.  Despite the noble intentions, the video should be shown to those who can make it result in a criminal conviction, to law enforcement officials. How many sick people are going to actually enjoy this film instead of be sickened by it? How long before the rest of the film, which allegedly depicts the full molestation, is leaked online?

Behind the headlines, behind the scandals, there are young children who need protection and not further exploitation in the name of a cause.  Surely, there must be a way to advocate against child abuse, without further abusing the victims in the process.

Hungry to Be Heard – Eating Disorders in the Orthodox Jewish Community – A Project of the Orthodox Union Young Leadership Cabinet

The other day I was listening to a recently recorded episode on Jewish Talk Radio, of The Date Program, hosted by, Baila Sebrow.  Sebrow has devoted herself to helping frum singles find their bashert, and has a weekly program discussing the issue.  The episode I was listening to featured Rabbi Chananya Weissman, who pioneered efforts to “combat the angst and hardships associated with dating in the religious Jewish community” with his organization, End The Madness.

During the program, Baila Sebrow mentioned that she has observed how single women return home after seminary, only to begin starving themselves to fit the physical requirements that will make them marketable on the shidduch dating scene.  Sebrow described the pattern:

“You know it’s interesting…eating disorders…there are girls that are starving themselves.  It’s sad and funny at the same time, because the girls feel that they need to be very very skinny, and what’s interesting is the mother’s of the boys want the girls to be very skinny.  But, yet, in talking to these boys, that’s not what they’re looking for.  And so, when girls come home from seminary, they literally starve themselves, and I see that.  I see girls when they first, you know, they, they arrive and it’s just a very short time and they shrink, some of them anyway.”

I think one of the main points of Sebrow’s observation is that having multiple people involved in choosing one’s life partner can have unintended consequences.  The consequence here is that women (aka mothers) tend to value slenderness more than men.  It’s been said many times that while some men like skinny women, many men also prefer curves.  However, in the current beauty culture our women are exposed to, curves are akin to fat – and fat isn’t good.  Women worship skinny.  In fact, studies have shown that “men prefer a woman that is 10-15 pounds heavier than what the women believed to be the ideal weight that men want.”

When orthodox Jewish mothers are vetting dating prospects for their sons, one of the top checklist items is the woman’s dress size.  If it’s anything above a size 4, the prospect will likely be dismissed.  This practice has been decried for some time, yet nothing seems to be changing.  One person critiqued this low weight requirement on a popular Jewish forum a few years ago:

“Why are mothers teaching their sons to be weary of the dress size of a girl? I find it amazing that mothers have the audacity to ask what size a girl is. Girls who are not “fortunate” enough to have a small build feel like less of a person because of something so superficial and so physical. I know of a girl who was 20 years old. and was overweight. A shadchan redt her a boy who was hashkafically NOT for her, he was divorced, and he had a child from his previous marriage… The shadchan told her that because of her circumstance (being heavier) she would have to compromise… Not only are people not redting these girls to normal boys, but they are also insulting them, degrading them, and offending them.”

While in theory, many folks agreed with the poster, it boiled down to this response by a single bochur:

“Something once happened to a friend of mine from Yeshiva. He asked our Rosh Yeshiva for advice. he was dating a girl. The conversation was great, they were on the same page hashkafically, etc. He had one problem: he didn’t think she was good looking at all. As he told the Rosh Yeshiva, “I could probably talk to her on the phone for hours. Even in person, once the conversation gets going, it’s great. I just don’t like the way she looks!” The Rosh Yeshiva told him to end the shidduch. My friend asked, “Since when do we put such an emphasis on looks?” The Rosh Yeshiva told him that you must be attracted to your wife, or the marriage will never work.”

While the commenter likened being overweight to being unattractive, many men are attracted to average size or larger women.  However, if men are given the message that it is not normal to be attracted to anything but a skinny woman, most won’t want to go against that norm by dating someone larger.

Women who have suffered with extreme weight problems are prompted to take drastic measures upon reaching shidduch age.  One Chabad woman, Merav Yitzhaki, made the news when she underwent bariatric surgery and lost 205lbs in order to increase her chances of a making a good shidduch:

“at the age of 21, when religious girls start seriously thinking about getting married, she reached the weight of 155 kilos (342 pounds).

“I was warned that I should be thin when I enter the ‘shidduch’ world, so that I could be matched to a good-looking guy. But I had already accepted the fact that I would probably be matched to a fat guy and that’s it.”

But Merav didn’t really accept the situation, and at some point found herself on the operating table at the Assuta hospital, where a ring was adjusted on her stomach to reduce her appetite.

And then, about a year ago, she looked in the mirror and saw a girl weighing 62 kilos (137 pounds) with a lot of excess skin, which used to cover her 155 kilos in the past. “I looked really weird, only in a different way this time,” she says.

 In order to look her best and fit into the dating world, Merav was treated by Dr. Tali Friedman, a senior plastic surgeon from the Assia Medical Center in Tel Aviv.  

“The problem of obesity is extremely relevant to the haredi-religious sector these days,” says Dr. Friedman. “I have been exposed to many patients from the sector who have undergone weight loss treatments and body shaping. Merav is a very impressive and highly motivated young woman, who has done very well.”  

At the end of the treatments, Merav said goodbye to the excess skin as well and finally joined the world of single women and men.”

I don’t know if Merav ever got married.  It would be interesting to find an update to see if the surgery helped her achieve her marriage goal.

An insightful piece in Tablet Magazine, called, Orthodox and Anorexic, portrayed Chaya Faigie Jundef, a young woman who began the road to anorexia at the young age of 13:

“like many people who suffer from anorexia, Jundef was an overachiever and a diligent student, a type-A personality. She was valedictorian of both her elementary and high-school class. Her anorexia began innocently enough: a diet, when she was 13 years old. She wanted to lose some weight for her twin brother’s bar mitzvah.

“I got a lot of compliments and I thought that was nice,” she said. “If it looked good to lose some weight, I should probably lose some more. That’s something you’ll hear from everyone who has an eating disorder.

Jundef began restricting what food she ate. She looked a little skinny and fainted twice, but school officials figured it was just because of stress. She also began running. “People thought it was normal I was so exhausted,” she said.

But a routine medical check-up in the 12th grade found otherwise: At 5-foot-3, she weighed 93 pounds. She was officially diagnosed with anorexia, and her doctor recommended a psychiatrist. The diagnosis shocked Jundef and her family. “I was a well-adjusted, happy teenager,” Jundef recalled. “Psychiatrists were for crazy people.””

After being mistreated in various eating disorder programs, Jundef finally found one in Toronto General that worked.  However, she was still a long way from being fully recovered.  Despite that, at the age of 21, she began shidduch dating:

““The matchmaking world has led to overwhelming pressure,” said Sarah Bateman, a licensed clinical social worker at Renfrew. “Women’s statistics are kept on file by the matchmaker. … The No. 1 question is about women’s size and weight.”

Jundef received a heter, or permission from a rabbi, to wait until she hit a third date with the same young man before telling him about her eating disorder. At the time, Jundef had fully recovered and was pursuing her college degree and teaching full-time.

“It became a lovely cycle of going out with fine young people,” she said. But, “every time they heard about my eating disorder, that was the end of it. … With each ‘no,’ I lost more weight.””

Ironically, the very shidduch system that prizes impossibly thin women, used this very trait against Jundef when the label of “anorexia” was stamped upon it.

The Tablet article also reports that:

“The Orthodox community has begun to grapple openly with eating disorders in recent years. In 2008, the Orthodox Union released a documentary film to be shown in Jewish schools called Hungry To Be Heard, (linked above) about eating disorders among observant Jews. And treatment programs that cater to Orthodox women have opened.

“Now practically everyone knows someone who suffers from an eating disorder,” said Dovid Goldwasser, one of the most prominent Orthodox rabbis to deal with eating disorders.”

With all the dangers that come along with starving yourself skinny, why are we, as mothers, demanding such standards of future brides?  Why are we creating a shidduch system that encourages eating disorders among our women?  These disordered behaviors don’t only last during the single years, and magically disappear upon marriage.  We are setting young women up for a lifetime of starving, binging, purging, and abusing diet pills and laxatives.  It’s bad enough being exposed to skinny celebrities in the media, some of whom are mothers themselves, and are photographed weeks after giving birth looking as if they’d never been pregnant.  Must we, as orthodox women who pride ourselves on holding higher values, subject ourselves to those same standards and scrutiny?

Our girls look to their older sisters and mothers to set examples of healthy eating.  If they see mothers who eat healthy foods, exercise on a regular basis, and accept themselves, this is what they will emulate.  If they see mothers who restrict their food, exercise excessively, and constantly complain about how fat they are, this is what they will emulate.  When young girls hear us criticizing their older sisters about their weight, the amount or type of foods they are consuming, or their level of exercise, this also sends a disturbing message.  Average sized girls who have barely hit puberty are starting to restrict foods and use excessive exercise to lose weight their developing bodies sorely need.

The shidduch process starts way before the age of 18 for most girls.  They learn lessons about what attributes secure a good shidduch long before they’ve even put together their first resume, or interviewed with that initial shadchan.  Our young men are learning these lessons too, when they see their parents prepping their older siblings for dating.  We are teaching our children what traits are valuable in shidduchim.  Until we, as parents, relearn what’s really important, lives will continue to be devastated as kids strive to meet our impossible expectations.

For anyone interested in the current controversy over speedy postpartum weight loss, and how it affects body image in the frum community, check out my new blog post on Times of Israel – Giving birth to body acceptance.

According to one husband in today’s Lakewood Scoop, the answer is no.  This gentleman paints a bleak financial picture for his family of 6.  He makes $41,000 per year and his wife brings in $20,000.  They pay about $15,000 per year in combined property and salary taxes.

This New Jersey family is reaching the end of a 24 month Medicaid health care extension, and now must find a new health insurance option.  If his wife continues to work, he can purchase a $1,600 per month plan for the two of them, and the children can remain eligible for Medicaid.  If his wife quits her job and he continues to make under $42,015, the entire family would receive Medicaid and Jersey Care for about $800 a year.

Although most of the replies to the article discuss the perils of getting stuck in the endless cycle of welfare dependence, and some advise the wife to get training for a higher paying position, one commenter agreed with decision to make less money in order to be eligible for public assistance:

“i made that chesbon years ago. dont forget all the other programs you are eligible for at 42k a year such as foodstamps etc. which could make up that $800 a month right there. thats besides WIC, HUD, earned income credits, HEAP, USF, child care,etc. It seems that unless your making over 100k a year you might as well make 40k with programs. But its sad that we have to live like this to be forced not to make $. You become stiffled for life and can never grow finacially. The whole system creates more poverty as it forces people not to work or to work less hours and rely on the govt. We need to petition the govt. to change the guidlines of these programs to give people an incentive to become financilly indepent.

We also need to get back our pride at being hard working, self supporting people. Some times even if it dosent make sense financially its worth our pride to know we are providing for our families ourselves and dont need any help.

So enjoy the free money while it helps you but be careful not to fall into the trap of being stuck on the govt. payroll which is hard to get out of. and maybe if you try on your own you might actually one day be making more money than the programs provide but you will never know until you take the plunge and try.”

Of course, those families who are paying for their own health insurance, plus funding state plans through their tax dollars, are probably not happy with those who consciously make the decision to stop working in order to receive Medicaid.  This is the same decision that frum families must make regarding Jewish day school tuition.  Is it fair for a family to decide that it’s not worth it for the wife to work, if her entire salary will be going to tuition, when the alternative is to receive the same amount in scholarship money and be a stay at home mom?

I think the question is answered for most families by how much money the husband is making.  If he is making too much for the family to be eligible for government benefits, then the wife may have no choice but to work.  However, if he is making a small enough salary for the family to qualify for public assistance, then the benefits (including day school scholarships) are often worth more than the money the wife is bringing home.

An amazing blog, Orthonomics, has been dealing with financial issues faced by the frum community for the past several years.  One of her most popular posts, Heartwrenching Tuition Crisis, is one father’s cry of desperation over meeting the minimum tuition obligations at his children’s day schools.  He talks about mounting credit card debt, and taking second mortgages, and falling behind in tuition obligations.  While his wife went back to school to improve her earning potential, she had to take out school loans in order to do so, loans which become due upon graduation.  How to pay back tuition to the days schools, plus the current year’s tuition, plus college loans, plus monthly bills?  Is going to college and entering the workforce really worth it?

I can only speak of my own experience as a baalas teshuvah, and where I noticed an advantage over some of my frum from birth friends.  I was on a college track the moment I entered high school, as my school was a college prep program.  I went straight to college and when I became engaged during graduate school, my mother insisted that I get my degree and secure a job before getting married.  Part of the reason she was so adamant about this was because my husband was in medical school, and I was going to be the main breadwinner for many years to come.  However, my orthodox in-laws weren’t insistent on my parent’s conditions, and probably would have preferred that we had a shorter engagement time, even if I hadn’t graduated before the wedding.

Because I took full course loads in college, plus worked at internships along the way, I was able to graduate and find work expediently.  However, knowing myself, there is no way I would have finished my coursework in 5 years and gone on to full time work had I been a wife and mother.  It was only because I was single with no other obligations that I was able to focus and take the time needed outside the home to accomplish my goals.

Although there were many years where my small starting salary was barely enough to sustain us, I am grateful that my mother insisted I complete my college education before marriage.  Of course, we are still paying back medical school loans, but our debt would be much higher if I hadn’t been working during my husband’s training.

Most women I know who married before or during college ended up taking longer to finish their degrees.  The reasons for the delays were dropping courses or taking part time course loads to accommodate weddings, pregnancies, child care, etc.  Some of them had husbands who were already gainfully employed, while others had husbands who were learning full time or still in school themselves.  All of these women eventually graduated, but there were many lean years toward that end.  During this time there is extreme vulnerability to debt accumulating due to lack of income.

Many men and women who don’t have concrete plans to attend college or vocational training programs before marriage, find the road to higher education a daunting journey.  Once married, they no longer have the luxury of taking time off from work to complete their education, due to the crushing financial burdens of family life.  I think that until the frum community makes a cultural shift to emphasize completing education and securing employment before marriage, we will continue to see families forced to decide between going to work or dependence upon public aid and day school scholarships.

Read my latest post in Times of Israel encouraging women to get mammograms – If I can get squished standing on one foot, you can get squished standing on two!

My son comes running upstairs and shouts to me through the bathroom door.

“Mom, there’s a rabbi downstairs!”

Another unsolicited meshulach has come to pay an evening visit.

“Tell him that Abba isn’t home right now and he should come back later!” I call through the splattering of shower sprinkles.

“Ok!” he calls.

I hear blessed silence as he retreats back downstairs to pass along the message through the front door.

Alone with my thoughts in a haze of warm soapy mist, I return my focus to not getting nicked with the razor as I shave my legs.  As the shaving cream slices away in white foamy strips, someone pounds on the door once again.  My hand shakes at the noise, and I see the snowy cream at my ankle turn pink and then darken into a thin red rivulet that runs down the drain.

“Mom, he says he can’t come back later! He needs to see you now!”

My son is back, playing messenger between this unknown stranger and me.

“Just walk away from the door.  You know we don’t open the door for strangers unless Abba is home to see who they are!”  I answer.

“But, Mom, he’s waiting for you in the hallway!” says my son, sounding nervous.  “What should I do?”

“Why did you open the door for him?” I cry, getting out of the shower and wrapping myself in a towel, shaving cream and blood congealing around my feet.

“We didn’t!” he says. “My friend was leaving the house and this rabbi was standing on the porch as we opened the door.  He just came inside!”

“He shouldn’t have come inside without your parent’s permission!  You should have told him to wait outside while you got your mother and closed the door.” I am hurriedly toweling off my hair and shoving my arms into a terry cloth robe.

As I come out of the bathroom in a cloud of heat and mango scented bubbles, my daughter comes upstairs.

“He left.  I told him that you couldn’t come to the door and that he should come back in an hour when my Dad gets home.”  she says.  “I locked the front door.”

My daughter and son begin to argue over who let the man in and whether or not there was any danger.

“It’s ok,” my son says. “He’s a rabbi!  He’s not dangerous!”

Aarrgh!  I can tell it’s time for another family meeting, where we discuss how appearances can be deceptive.  Another talk about how most predators are people who are familiar.  Most child molesters and rapists are either people who we know or people who look like they belong to our community.  Just because someone is dressed like a religious person, doesn’t mean that they are safe.

It’s a precarious balance between warning your kids of the potential danger to be hurt by people in their community and not creating unnecessary fear and mistrust toward the adults in their lives.  It’s an ongoing conversation that must be reinforced with varying intensity, as I have discovered with my own kids.  Stranger danger is a much more straightforward talk.  It’s not as straightforward to talk to kids about what to do if a trusted friend, family member, community representative, or teacher behaves inappropriately.

I recently received a book from Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, entitled, Let’s Stay Safe.  It is part of Project Yes, an organization that seeks to prevent children and teens from becoming disenfranchised from their families and communities.  Rabbi Horowitz is an activist who works to prevent child abuse, as well as seek justice and healing for those who have fallen victim to abusers.  Let’s Stay Safe is great discussion starter for young readers that addresses a myriad of safety issues concerning children.

My personal story above illustrates that we’re not always going to get it right.  Circumstances can arise that haven’t been accounted for.  It’s a good idea to role play and brainstorm about possible scenarios that could pose a potential threat.  It’s also important not to get too agitated after you or children handled a potential safety threat inappropriately.  I want my kids to feel that they can be honest with me about what happened, without getting read the riot act.

After that incident we did have another family meeting about how to handle unexpected visits from strangers and how not every man with a long beard, black hat, and black coat is a trusted rabbi.  It’s unfortunate that this discussion even needs to happen, but wouldn’t it be even more unfortunate if a child’s life was ruined because we find it too awkward to engage in the conversation?

Below are some short videos from Rabbi Horowitz where he gives tips on how to talk to kids about safety.  He brings up important points in a concise and easy to understand manner.

Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program

NYPD “Stop and Kiss Program” opponent,  Rebbetzin Shoenfeld, heads a congregation of over 500 Jewish families.  The highly segregated ultra orthodox Jewish flock is one of many in the greater New York City area.  Orthodox Judaism is unique, in that is a matrilineal religion.  This means that Jewish tradition and heritage is passed down through the female.  While most major world religious leaders are men, in its purest “Torah true” form, Rebbetzin Shoenfeld says that Jewish communities are run by the women.

One of the challenges for Rebbeten Shoenfeld,  as well as for the thousands of other worldwide rebbetic leaders, is maintaining strict separation of the sexes.   According to Jewish law, unmarried and unrelated men and women cannot have any physical contact with each other whatsoever.

“Really, this separation of the sexes is for the protection of the entire community.”  Rebbetzin Shoenfeld explained.  “You see, men were given an animalistic nature by G-d.  We don’t know why.  Who can explain His ways?”

The Rebbetzin went on to say that it was the job of female leadership in the Jewish community to not only protect women from the uncontrollable lust of men, but to protect the men from themselves.

“It’s an issue of personal safety.  Every male child is issued a protective muzzle and personal monogrammed leash upon his bris (ritual circumcision admitting males into the covenant of the Jewish faith).  Were it not for this initial snip, imagine how much greater our problem would be!  It is the mother’s duty to keep her male child contained until his bar mitzvah (entrance into adulthood) at age 13.”

The Rebbetzin explained the passing of the torch.

“At 13 years old, our young men are sent to religious boarding schools, where the Rosh Ksui Rosh Yehivas (Head Covering Heads of Yehivas) take over responsibility for the young men.  These dormitories are kept under lock and key, and no female images, save for the Rebbetzins who teach there, are permitted within the yeshiva walls.”

She continued, “Any young men who might get enjoyment from gazing at the support hose and orthopedic clogs of the holy matrons are subjected to low voltages of electric shock.  Aversion therapy is what we do best in our educational system!  In rare cases, chemical castration under the supervision of a highly trained herbalist is implemented.  However, this is only used as a last resort.”

Once the young men are sufficiently subdued, it is time for them to be turned over to new ownership.  They are to married off to young women in the community who have completed kallah classes (bridal classes).  For these young brides, acquiring a husband is a serious responsibility.

Rebbetzin Shoenfeld explained, “While the girls learn about the care and feeding of their new husbands, and most, in their innocence, feel that they are prepared to ‘control the beast,’  they really have no idea what they are in for.”

Her eyes sparkling, the Rebbetzin reminisced, “When I got my Shloimie, he was such a tame little thing at the chuppah. However, once we got to the yichud room, was I ever glad my mother stuffed my gown with pepper spray and a cable wire!  I had to hog tie him after only 45 seconds of being alone together!”

The Rebbetzin introduced me to some of her colleagues in the rebbetic organization, the IOU, The Isha (woman) Orthodox Union of Rebbetzins.  All the women looked very distinguished, dressed both modestly and professionally.  There was nary an elbow or kneecap to be seen.  I asked why they took such care of their modesty, when the men were being kept under control.  If they had such a tight grip on the problem, couldn’t they dress however they pleased?

“Oh no!” one rebbetzin, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “Their lust knows no limit.  The slightest thing can set them off.  The scent of old garlic on the palm of a hand, foot fungus exposed through an open-toed shoe, a well placed goiter peeking through a blouse that doesn’t quite cover the collar bone.  It’s a heavy burden we Jewish women bear.”

Rebbetzin Shoenfeld spoke up, “This is why the new NYPD Stop and Kiss Program is so dangerous!  Do you know how many attractive female police officers patrol our fair streets in tight polyester uniform pants?  Can you imagine the destruction and mayhem that would occur if such an officer placed her hands upon a religious Jewish man and planted a kiss on him!  These are men who are used to isolation and restricted female physical contact since day one.  Now you want to open that gate to gehennom (hell) – and by a police officer, yet?  You want to make it legal for the men to embrace their animal nature?  Not on my watch!”

With that, the entire IOU broke into the chant, “Not on my watch!  Not on my watch!”

The group plans to collect signatures for a petition to Mayor Bloomberg.  They are also planning a protest outside City Hall.  The IOU is debating whether or not to bring some of their muzzled and leashed husbands to the demonstration.  However, since many protests result in police action and arrests, they are worried that the male presence will prove counterproductive, as the men might act purposely inappropriate in order to get kissed.

I was interested to read a story in The National Post that talked about a Montreal blogger, Pierre Lacerte, who won a libel lawsuit filed against him by hasidic businessman, Michael Rosenberg.  Rosenberg alleged that Lacerte’s blog content amounts to anti-semitism.   In his blog, Lacerte speaks out against the perceived illegal and unneighborly acts of the Outrement orthodox Jewish community.

Lacerte lives across the street from the hasidic synagogue Michael Rosenberg attends.  In 2007, Lacerte complained about the synagogue’s activities to the mayor at a city hall meeting.  His public complaint drew the wrath of Rosenberg and others, prompting their first lawsuit, which ended in favor of Lacerte.  It was this 2007 lawsuit that prompted Lacerte to start his blog documenting the misdeeds of the Outrement orthodox community.

As I read this article, I immediately thought of Shmarya Rosenberg’s blog, Failed Messiah.  A former Lubavitch baal teshuvah, Shmarya has been exposing the foibles of the worldwide Jewish orthodox community since 2004.  Shmarya is on a mission to give Jews the stories behind the stories.  He believes in the power of information, and the right of religious Jews to make their own choices on the basis of that information.  Shmarya claims to regularly receive threats to his physical well being because of his blog.  Despite the threats, he is committed to exposing the underside of the Jewish community, and revealing details they likely won’t get from their community leaders.

Initially, I likened Lacerte to Shmarya so much, that I assumed he was another disgruntled Jew, railing against his religious brethren.  When it was pointed out that Lacerte is not Jewish, suddenly my perspective changed.  Is he an anti-semite?  If I do consider Lacerte to be a racist, what does that say about Shmarya?

Does Failed Messiah get a pass in the anti-semitic department because it’s written by a Jew?  Is Shmarya a self hating Jew?  If so, is it his right to be self hating, while a non Jew has no right to hate on Jews?  Are we allowed to hate on our own communities, but not allowed to hate on those of other people?  If Shmarya’s focus was exposing scandals within the non Jewish community, would he be considered a racist?  If Lacerte’s focus was to rant against his own non Jewish community, would it be permissible analysis from an insider?  Are we only allowed to critique our own religious or ethnic groups, or be labeled as prejudiced?

In the Jewish world, Shmarya Rosenberg is considered either a hero or a heretic.  One of my blog readers expressed their disapproval that I have linked to Failed Messiah articles in some of my posts.  They felt that by using Shmarya’s posts as background material, I was rendering my blog irrelevant, because he is so biased against the religious community.  While I read his posts with that bias in mind, I don’t think that the stories he posts are irrelevant.  Shmarya was among the first Jewish online activists committed to exposing abuse in the orthodox world.  While his blog isn’t always a bastion of responsible reporting, (in the race to be “first to report” some of his sources seem less than credible), he has brought attention to many legitimate scandals.

So, where is the line in the sand drawn?  What makes someone an objective critic exposing abuse for the welfare of the reader or a bigot who reports bad news to push their own biased agenda?  Can someone be both a stakeholder and an impartial analyst?

If you are interested in the topic of women’s religiosity being judged on how they dress, please read my new Times of Israel post.

A recent Tablet magazine article written by a woman who stopped covering her hair is inspiring a lot of discussion. What most detractors are taking exception to, is that the author feels that freeing herself from a mitvzah she resented has made her a better Jew.  It made me remember an old blog post I wrote on Little Frumhouse on the Prairie in 2008 about a friend who stopped covering her hair, and her fear that her friends who covered would now reject her.

Do you dress for yourself or others?

This isn’t going to be a terribly well thought out post, although I do have many thoughts on the subject. I simply want to put this question out there while it is fresh in my mind. Trilcat has a painful post up about Shrouds that likens women’s clothing coverings (of hair, legs, elbows) to heavy curtains or garments that bury the essence of both womanhood and self.

When I read the post, my thought was, I wonder if she began dressing modestly for herself or for the loved ones in her life? My question formed because of a conversation I had with a friend over yom tov.

I had been fairly close with this friend, but hadn’t heard from her in a few months. I would bump into her now and then, and we would be as friendly as ever, but we no longer got together or engaged in regular phone conversations like we used to. I am no longer bothered by the ebb and flow of my friendships, because I know first-hand how family life can take over and take precedence over other relationships.

This friend has been going through a personal journey – a transformation if you will – getting healthy, eating right, exercising regularly, and paying more attention to how she feels both inside and out. Along this journey, she discovered that she was dressing in a way that she never felt comfortable with, yet she did it for acceptance. One of the things at the top of this list was hair covering. Over the course of the past year, she has gradually stopped covering her hair, and she feels empowered by this decision. She hasn’t closed the door on covering her hair again in the future, but if she does, she wants it to be HER choice.

She was worried about what my reaction (and those of other hair coverers) would be regarding her decision. Now it made sense why I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. I assured her that hair covering was a personal choice, and that I respected whatever decision she chose to make. Interestingly, her husband, who was standing nearby, expressed the hope that I could “mekareve” her back to hair covering.

I told her that she needed to do what was best for her, and that I had friends who both covered and didn’t cover, and I didn’t judge their choice. I myself didn’t cover my hair when I first got married, and only after learning the halachos and coming to grips with my own view on the matter, did I gradually begin to cover.

Hence my question, do you dress for yourself or others? Does one’s adherence to their dress code depend upon the answer?

This morning I was unpleasantly surprised to find this flyer in my daughter’s school newsletter:For those who missed the recent brouhaha, Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein made the news when he went on a diatribe against Zumba, the dance fitness craze that has been sweeping both the secular and frum worlds.

About 39:00 minutes into his shiur, Rabbi Wallerstein warns against the moral dangers of Zumba, and bemoans the fact that he didn’t put his foot down 2 years ago, when the trend first started to gain popularity.   He said he would have saved many women, marriages, and children from being provocative and untznius had he not been weak.

Wallerstein goes on to describe Zumba as “pole dancing.”  He predicts that this “pole dancing” will lead to prostitution, and that the Jewish community will lose all of their kids.  He feels that Jewish mothers will legitimize “pole dancing” as exercise, causing their daughters to go work for strip clubs under the mistaken assumption that they are exercise studios. Wallerstein says that any woman who says she has rabbinic hashgacha to open a Zumba studio is mistaken – the only one to give hashgacha for such an enterprise is satan.

At 44:00, Wallerstein goes into a racist little dance routine, “Yo, what’s up wit dat?!” as he mimics what it would be like if men danced to non-Jewish music like the women do.  He talks about how Zumba sells “Latino and Black” music to frum women in the form of exercise.  He says dancing to non-Jewish music is akin to “jumping like a bunch of monkeys in the jungle.”

At the time this all came out in the news, I decided not to address it.  There were more than enough people on Facebook, blogs, and online news sources who skewered the guy.  Why add my own repetitive opinion to the mix? Additionally, Wallerstein’s community is in Brooklyn.  If he has a following there, kol hakovod.  I live in Chicago, and his views don’t affect me or my family.

Seeing this flyer has proven me wrong.  Apparently The Associated Talmud Torahs of Chicago has sponsored Rabbi Wallerstein to speak in Chicago this weekend.  If I don’t say something, rabbis like Wallerstein will continue to be supported and sought after as spokespeople and role models for my own community.  The issue for many is simply unawareness.  I certainly don’t do a background check on every speaker who makes their way through Chicago.  The only reason this rabbi’s name stood out is because I happened to read about his recent controversial speech.  Rabbi Wallerstein is here for an entire Shabbaton, and is speaking around the community:

“ATT will be hosting Rabbi Zecharya Wallerstein of Ohr Naava as scholar-in-residence in the Skokie Community on December 20-21. Rabbi Wallerstein will be speaking at the following places: Friday night – Oneg Shabbat at 7:30, co-hosted by YU Kollel and Cong. Or Torah, at the Cheplowtiz home, 8727 Harding, Skokie; Shabbat morning at Kehilat Chovevei Tzion; Shabbat afternoon – Women’s Shiur at Or Torah West at 2:45; Seudah Shlishit at Skokie Chabad. More info: ATT: 773-973-2828.”

It is interesting to note that the rebbetzin of Kehilat Chovevei Tzion leads a popular Chicago area Zumba organization called, Frumba Chicago.  She is one of the most inspirational women in our community, promoting health and positive body image to the women and girls of the Chicago area frum community.  I highly doubt that either she or her husband know about Rabbi Wallerstein’s views on women who do Zumba.

When we invite someone to come and speak to our community and pay their expenses to do so, we are endorsing them both as an expert and a role model.  As such, we need to do our due diligence.  It’s fine for Rabbi Wallerstein to personally feel that Zumba is not a tznius form of exercise.  It’s fine for him to personally eschew non-Jewish music.  However, it’s not fine for him to pass judgement on the women of our community who feel differently.  I myself got a heter to do Zumba for exercise, even though I am in aveilus (I don’t do Zumba), so there are obviously rabbis who hold a different opinion from Wallerstein.  It’s also not fine for him to use racist hate speech by saying that Zumba music is created by Latin and Black people who dance around like monkeys in the jungle.

We need to take a hard look on who we want our community role models to be.  It’s true, that one impassioned and misguided speech doesn’t define Rabbi Wallerstein’s entire career.  We are all guilty of saying things that have offended others.  However, asking someone who has proven himself to be a loose cannon to speak to a crowd including impressionable teens is irresponsible.  I hope that in the future, more thought and research will go into the kinds of speakers we choose to give a platform to in Chicago.

Yesterday I wrote a post about Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein speaking in Chicago this weekend.  Yesterday, phones were ringing and boards were conferring over whether to keep Rabbi Wallerstein’s speaking engagements in light of controversial language and opinions he expressed in a videotaped shiur.  As of now, three of his speaking engagements in Skokie have been cancelled.  One replacement engagement was added at a local girl’s high school.  I respect each institution’s right to make their own decision on the matter.  Below is the text of Rabbi Wallerstein’s apology distributed to The Associated Talmud Torahs board:

“I am not a racist, nor have I ever been.

As the Mishna in Pirkei Avos  ( Perek 3 Mishna 18) says

Beloved is man for he was created in the Image of GOD. It is indicative of a greater love for it was made known to him that he was created in GODs image, as it is said: “For in the image of GOD He made man”.

For the statements , comments and ideas conveyed in the shuir that can be taken as racist I humbly apologize. They were never intended in that way, they were meant in jest and purely to add some levity to the lecture.

In no way do these comments reflect my true feelings.

To anyone that found it offensive I truly do apologize. In the future I will be more conscience of my words

Zecharia Wallerstein”

I will let Rabbi Wallerstein’s apology stand on its own without further comment.

What I will say, is that Chicago is a warm and inviting community.  Rabbi Wallerstein will be a guest here this weekend, and I trust that he will be shown hachnasas orchim and kindness by all of us.  Just because I don’t agree with someone’s opinions on a particular issue, doesn’t mean that I condemn them as a person.  Rabbi Wallerstein is not coming to Chicago to talk about Zumba or pop music, he is coming because of his expertise as an educator and someone who works with kids at risk.

I’ve heard that Rabbi Wallerstein has taken a lot of heat in his own community for his views on shaking up the Jewish educational system.  It’s his willingness to go against popular opinion that makes him both an innovator and an instigator.  Let’s be dan lachaf zechus and hear his messages this weekend with an open mind and the respect owed to a fellow human being.