I recently read about the case of a young agunah whose husband purposely hid the fact that he had Multiple Sclerosis before they were married. In fact, he even went to his parents’ house daily to take his shots for two and a half years, effectively hiding his condition from his wife. After finding out the truth, his wife just couldn’t accept that her entire marriage was built on a lie. She moved in with her parents 2 and a half years ago, and has been waiting for her get ever since. Her father-in-law was quoted as saying that the young woman will remain an agunah until his son dies.
I was reminded of this 2008 post I wrote about purposely omitting information or fudging details in order to push through a shidduch (marriage match). In this case, the feint and parry of the shadchan/shidduch-seeker duel was played out in a rather humorous conversation I overheard at my dentist’s office. However, considering the current case of the agunah mentioned above, clearly, the lines are getting blurred between little white lies and deceptions that can have devastating consequences.
She doesn’t need to know that….
I overheard a funny cell phone conversation at the dentist today.
I was in one cubicle waiting for my cleaning, when a frum lady with a heavy Brooklyn accent walked past me and into the next cubicle speaking on her cell (in explicit violation of the “No cell phone usage in the treatment area” sign, I might add!).
The woman was talking excitedly on the phone, asking questions about a young man.
“So, where did he go to yeshiva?”
“Nu, what are plans for a parnassah?”
“Does he have money for a ticket to come to Chicago?”
The list went on, until the dentist came in.
“I’m sorry about that doctor, but my daughter is being redt a shidduch! Can you believe it?”
She went on about how difficult the shidduch process is, and how you have to look into every opportunity, even if it doesn’t seem promising.
A few minutes later, after the dentist had begun his exam, the woman’s phone rang again.
“Doctor, do you mind? It’s the shadchan and she has a few questions about my daughter.”
The doctor, being both frum and also a father who has been through the shidduch process, sighed and told her to go ahead.
The woman got on the phone and began to answer a slew of questions. Her final comments before hanging up were,
“She’s not a 6 or an 8. She’s a 10.”
When she hung up, the dentist said, “Tell me, what do all those numbers mean?”
The woman replied, “Oh, one of the first questions they ask is what dress size the girl wears. I believe in being up front. I’m not gonna tell the shadchan my daughter is a size 6 or an 8, because she’s not! I say she’s a size 10 and she looks good. You’ve seen her, right? She looks good?”
The dentist graciously replied that he had seen her recently and she looked good.
“Ok, so, right?” the mother continued. “A person can’t just look at the number, they have to see the girl, and they’ll see she looks good.”
Then in a hushed voice she said, “Honestly, she isn’t a size 10 either, but the shadchan doesn’t need to know that!”
