A few weeks ago I joined Facebook. I had been off of that site for a few years for a variety of reasons, and hadn’t missed it. However, since starting my blog, I have grown to realize that a good portion of readers and relevant discussion is happening over there. I seemed to be missing the boat by not having a Facebook presence for Kol B’Isha Erva. I took the plunge and created an account.
Being back on Facebook has been an eye opening experience. In some ways, it’s been positive. I see people forming connections in groups and discussing issues of concern to the frum community. I see activism taking place, inspiring others to sign letters to district attorneys and judges to get tough on child abuse, to help agunahs receive a get, and to help a Jewish mother get her kids back from their abusive father.
In other ways, there has been a lot of negativity. Facebook is like high school on steroids. Teens are often highly unfiltered in what they say to peers and authority figures. Apparently, Facebook is the place where we grownups get to be teens again, whether hiding behind a screen pseudonym or under our own names. We all get brave online. I readily admit that I am much bolder with my written words than in verbal conversation. I do try to maintain a respectful code of conduct while online, but I know there are times when I fail.
The most interesting thing that has happened is “meeting” people on Facebook who friend me through this blog. Usually, someone will read a blog post, connect with my message, and friend me thinking that I am a likeminded individual. Many times they are correct, but sometimes not. The question I get asked most often is if I am off the derech. The next most common question I get is if I am gay. My stock response is that I am neither of those things, but am sympathetic to those who are. The third most common question I get asked is if I am haredi or chassidic. Can I also say that I am not, but am sympathetic to those who are?
Some of my posts reflect that I am part of the frum community and attempt to lead a halachically observant life. Sometimes when I post something critical of the haredi world, it rattles some of my readers who assume that I am firmly in the ultra orthodox camp. Likewise, when I post something critical of the off the derech movement, it brings down the wrath of readers who thought I was sympathetic toward those who have left orthodoxy.
My answer is that I am a person who asks questions. My questions aren’t limited to my own orthodox community, but also reach out to those beyond my particular brand of yiddishkeit. After all, we are all just Jews. What one group does affects the others. I don’t blindly accept the tenants of any faith, nor do I blindly accept the versions of anyone’s truth. I accept the right for people to have their own truths, but that doesn’t mean that I have to accept it as my own.
Regarding questions I ask about haredi communities, I have to look inside my heart. I can’t deny that stories in the news negatively influence my opinions about haredi groups. I can’t deny that with each passing article about blurring female faces in publications, blaming haredi poverty on government cutbacks, communities holding fundraisers and rallies for child abusers, the list goes on – my view of the haredi world is a little more tainted.
For myself, I know that this negative outlook stems from fear. Fear that some of these societal scandals and stringencies will come to my own, more modern, community. My older children are already being given a stricter approach than I ever imagined in their schools. A few are being taught that it is assur (forbidden) to speak to members of the opposite sex, that masturbation creates dead spiritual babies who will torment men upon their judgment days in olam haemes, and that it’s admirable for men to keep their eyes shut in the presence of women when they come to lecture at schools for girls.
However, two instances recently in the news have caused me to check myself before diving over that hate cliff. One was an incident at a fancy kosher steak house, Prime Grill. My husband and I have been to Prime Grill several times. It is a rare treat we sometimes indulge in when we visit New York, and we have always had excellent food and service. Therefore, I was disappointed to read that a rogue waiter at the restaurant had tacked on a 20% gratuity fee for a chassidic couple. The waiter incorrectly told the couple that it was standard to add the gratuity to the tab for all chassidic diners. The waiter stereotyped the chassidic couple as the sort who would not leave a tip, or would leave an insufficient amount. Of course, news of the couple’s overcharge has circulated through the kosher grapevine like wildfire. Upon hearing the couple’s complaint, Prime Grill owner, Joey Allaham immediately fired the waiter, reversed the gratuity surcharge on the couple’s credit card, and has offered to donate the amount of the meal to the couple’s favorite charity.
Another instance of negative stereotyping occurred when a well written article by a Satmar biblical scholar, named Yoel, hit the web. The hullabaloo wasn’t as much about the content of the article, but rather, the disbelief that a real Satmar could be so well spoken. The speculation of fraud got so bad, that Rabbi Eliyahu Fink personally spoke to the gentleman, confirming that he was indeed who he claimed to be. Rabbi Fink denounced the bigotry that doubting this fellow implied –
“To think that a certain group or subgroup is inherently inferior and incapable of achieving greatness is bigotry. Pure and simple. It’s no different than saying that a black person cannot be president or that a woman cannot be a Supreme Court Justice or that an Asian cannot play basketball or that an Orthodox Jew cannot be a rockstar. There are talented and incredible people everywhere. Some are given an easier path to discovering and sharing that talent, but talent is everywhere.
We should be encouraging talent from the chasidic community to contribute to greater society, and stop being so shocked when they actually do.”
Former chassids also decried the stereotype that there is an innate lack of talent or intelligence within the haredi community. Lack of educational opportunity does not equal stupidity. Those looking to further their education either through their own endeavors or formal academic training, are certainly just as capable as anyone else of intellectual achievement.
My challenge is to be able to question, analyze, and discuss the actions of those in my wider daled amos (home), yet not judge. I need to remember that that the actions and attitudes of a few do not necessarily define those of the majority. If I prejudge a person from the haredi community, how is that any different than non Jews or non religious Jews judging me? I know what it’s like to be labeled as a professional baby maker, an oppressed woman, and have people react with surprise when they find out I have two college degrees. How can I do that to another person? My goal is to be able to debate, yet not hate.
