I just got finished reading an excellent article in Haaretz by Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt entitled, “The Dating Shame: Orthodox Obsession With Externals Has Reached Epidemic Proportions.” The article is written by a young married woman reflecting on her current role as “matchmaker,” now that she has achieved the holy grail of marriage. She sees herself reflected in the eyes of the many hopeful and vulnerable single women in her community who now see her as a possible conduit to their own future marriages.
She knows their pain and even, dare I say, desperation, because she was recently one of them. She knows the uncertainty, the impatience of waiting to be called by a matchmaker for even one introductory date, the starvation diets, the exorbitant amounts of money spent on clothing and salon visits, the agonizing decision over whether or not to undergo cosmetic surgery in order to attract a man. It’s a man’s market out there, which is always bad news for a woman.
Mrs. Chizhik-Goldschmidt references another thought provoking Time magazine article that discusses the current state of dating within two different fundamentalist religious groups, Mormons and Orthodox Jews. The similarities between both are, quite frankly, anything but religious. In “What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis,” Jon Birgir explores what happens when there is a shortage of marriageable aged men in ultra-religious societies that normally emphasize modesty, kindness, and religious values as primary qualities looked for when choosing a mate.
What happens in such societies when there is a man shortage, is that the men are able to set the standards for most desirable qualities in a partner. Not surprisingly, in such circumstances, the most sought after items appear to be looks and money. The Time article subtitle reads, “Believe it or not, the rise in Mormon breast implants and $100,000 Jewish dowries can explain why you’re alone on Friday night.”
It’s not an accident that the new mesorah for yeshivish orthodox families is that most young men learn Torah full time, while their wives are expected to work, and oh yeah, bring a large dowry to the marriage both in terms of initial start-up money (wedding expenses, housing, furnishings, etc.) and a commitment from her parents to pay towards monthly living expenses for an extended time period.
The richer the girl’s family is, the best “quality” of husband they can afford to buy her. If a girl’s family is poor, by golly, she’d better be pretty. If she is neither rich, nor pretty, she’d better be smart and command a large future earning potential – who am I kidding? The only things that matter in today’s orthodox market are rich or pretty, preferably both, but if she’s rich she can most likely afford to become pretty too. The smart, reasonably attractive, poor girls don’t stand much of a chance in the yeshivish shidduch scene. Unless they have yichus. Yichus is a commodity that orthodox grooms and their families still value. An impressive family tree could potentially snag a young man who is looking to advance himself in the Torah world by hitching a ride on a Talmudical star in his wife’s family.
Mrs. Chizhik-Goldschmidt reiterates the huge irony that women in the orthodox world are disappearing from the public eye, like precious diamonds that must be concealed to hide their worth, while at the same time increasingly being objectified and judged on their physical appearance the same way women are judged in the secular world. It’s a tightrope orthodox women walk every day – balancing between modesty standards on one side and secular standards of beauty on the other – orthodox men expect us to excel at both to win them and keep them.
Next time you are tempted to complain upon seeing an unmarried or married woman tottering in heels a bit too high, makeup a bit too heavy, a wig a bit too long, or a skirt that just grazes the knee of acceptability, don’t point a finger at her. Let’s all point our fingers squarely where they belong – at ourselves – for telling our women that our value is in our physical presentation and our financial ability to make a good one. Are we any better than secular society when our own standards are such that looks and money make up the sum of a bas yisroel’s worth?
