I often wonder if men get tired of being underestimated when I see generalizations made about women being objects of lust and men being unable or unwilling to control their temptations. I recently wrote about this general attitude having gone so far, that a Hasidic rabbi has declared that he will no longer meet with women, even with their husbands present. He is urging other orthodox rabbis not to meet with women anymore either, lest they succumb to their baser urges.
On occasion, when discussing the topic of sex segregation, men will acknowledge that it is often difficult not to have sexual feelings around women. My teenage sons will shake their heads and say, “Mom, you have no idea how teenage boys think.”
That is true, but at the same time, older men, like my husband and friends closer to my own age, will say that controlling your thoughts and actions is something that isn’t automatically present upon puberty. Self-control is something that is learned and honed over time with maturity and experience in socializing with members of the opposite sex. The more exposure a man has to interacting with women in school, in the workplace, or in social groups – the less sensitive he will become to sexual triggers and the more he will be able to compartmentalize between his sexual feelings for his wife or future wife against his platonic feelings for a classmate, teacher, family friend, or coworker.
I think that if I were a man, I would feel highly insulted at being categorized as a pervert with an ever roving eye unable to control my insatiable sexual appetite – so much so that I was at constant risk of being swept away by anything in a skirt.
Someone shared an article by a blogger who decries general society’s portrayal of women being dangerous husband-stealing femme fatales and men being helpless against their sexual urges, in an article entitled, “Husbands, Nannies, and the Culture of Dangerous Women and Helpless Men.” The author writes:
“When we teach boys and men that they are powerless against their sexual desires, when we teach them that they are not responsible for their actions if a woman is dressed in a way he finds arousing, when we write articles about “protecting” our husbands from all those slutty nannies out there, WE ALL ******* LOSE.
Every last one of us.
Men lose because we paint them with the brush of being weak and having no self-control. They get to live in a culture that expects them to **** up. One where they are expected to ruin their marriages, to not be capable of concentrating at work or school, all due to being in close physical proximity to a vagina.
And women lose. We lose because the burden of saving these men from themselves falls on our shoulders. If we aren’t sexy enough, we will lose our husbands to someone sexier, because they can’t help it. If we are too sexy, we are just asking to be disrespected because men can’t control themselves.”
In orthodox Jewish culture, sexy is a four letter word that isn’t even appropriate for the bedroom – words like holy and sanctity of marriage and shechinah (divine presence) are more apropos. However, the concept of being ready and willing (a rebellious wife who refuses her husband is called a moredet and can be divorced without her ketubah settlement), is definitely in play. A Jewish wife is accountable for keeping her husband’s sexual needs satisfied, especially since he can’t even satisfy his own needs without violating halachah.
Therefore, both the burden of dressing and behaving modestly in public, but also satisfying the insatiable lust of our men in private, is put upon women. In short, their lack of control is our problem on the street and at home.
This attitude can’t be healthy. It just hasn’t been my experience that all men are uncontrollable sex fiends. Maybe I just haven’t met the right men, or maybe I’m not attractive enough to have that problem, but experience dictates that men can control themselves when they are taught appropriate behavior at a young age and throughout adolescence. Have I met a pervert or two in my day? Yep. But out of all the men I’ve come into contact with, including family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc., the statistics ain’t bad! I just don’t think it’s fair to say that men can’t control themselves and shouldn’t even try – mostly it’s not fair to the men!
Don’t you guys ever get insulted?
