Today my daughter walked in on me blow drying my hair. I had out all my hair products and gadgets that I use to copy my stylist’s blow out technique as closely as possible (it never comes out quite the same, but it’s a close approximation).
My daughter asked why I bother to style my hair since I cover it in public? I told her that I do it for myself.
I’ve written about my forays into “sheital haircuts,” and the trials and tribulations of keeping hair healthy and beautiful after years of covering:
“Often, an orthodox woman looks better with her wig on, than with it off. Her husband, who should be seeing his wife at her best, often sees her at her worst. Just as hasidic women [who shave their hair off] would be ashamed to reveal their bald heads in public (not so much because a married woman should keep her head covered, but because she would be ashamed of her appearance), likewise, many women from non-hasidic segments of orthodox society would be ashamed to reveal their matted and damaged hair to the public eye. Surely, the cliche about “saving our beautiful hair for our husbands” is proven false by this common reality. Essentially, we all belong to the same hair club for women.”
I also wrote about the bottom line reason for hair covering – because the Torah tells us to. Despite the romantic rationale that upon marriage our hair is something special that only our husbands can enjoy, the sad truth is that after many years, when most men see their wife’s real hair they say,
I think of my hair the way some women think of frilly underwear sets. Even though the odds are that no one will see it, I know what’s underneath, and that’s what counts. Just like some women feel that it doesn’t make sense to have on a beautiful outfit with ratty old granny panties and a graying sports bra on underneath, so I feel that it makes no sense to be wearing a flowing wig while underneath my hair resembles a tumbleweed.
I will admit that there are times that I’ve felt that requiring married women to cover their hair is a form of control. Control over our appearance, beauty, and freedom. My hair represents my autonomy. When I first started covering, as I mentioned, one of the rationales that I was exposed to was that the privilege of seeing my hair now belonged only to my husband. In essence, my hair belonged to him, although I gave it to him willingly.
I now reject that explanation. Just because I am married doesn’t mean that I’ve given up myself – and myself includes my body parts. I still belong to me and have the right to display any part of it I want to that won’t land me in jail.
Do I now own my husband’s hair because we are married? While some might say I carry two essential pieces of his manhood in my purse, they are still his. Marriage shouldn’t eliminate the individual person. There have been times when I’ve felt like hair covering tries to do just that – especially since there is no equivalent permanent signifier that men have to show they are married – including a wedding ring (although there are differing practices among orthodox men to wear or not to wear a wedding ring).
Keeping my hair nice is a way for me to feel good about my natural self (what lies beneath the costume I wear on the outside) much in the same way that I exercise several times a week – because it’s not about how good you look with clothes but without them!
However, keeping my hair nice is also about maintaining my autonomy, maintaining my self-respect, and always knowing that covering my hair truly is a choice for me – because I don’t need to feel ashamed to uncover it due to the ravages of time and poor scalp circulation.
My word of advice to women who are about to embark on hair covering – continue to maintain your hair after marriage the same way you did before. You may even be looking forward to not having to maintain your hair anymore, figuring that a sheitel is the best solution to a bad hair day – heck, every day can be a bad hair day after the wedding and you no longer have to give a fig! Trust me when I tell you that one day, you will care that your wigless reflection in the mirror doesn’t please you. It’s much easier to keep a good thing going than to try and recover from years of damaged hair and home haircuts.
For married women who have already let their hair go – it’s not too late! You’ll be amazed at how good you will feel about yourself if you take care of your God-given locks. You’ll need the advice of a good stylist, a plan for how you ultimately want your hair to look, and to invest in some styling tools and hair products – but there are a lot of affordable options for the essential pieces you’ll need to create the look you want. Once you get started, hair maintenance really doesn’t take much effort and it makes a big difference in your self-esteem.
Just as Shimshon’s hair was a reflection of his inner greatness and commitment as a Nazarite, a woman’s commitment to cover her hair is a seemingly necessary sacrifice for marriage. No one really talks about this sacrifice and what it means as a woman goes through different stages of her life, but it’s an important conversation to have among older women, divorced women, and widows who have been covering for many years and have a more expansive perspective.
