I admit to being a fan of the Twilight Saga vampire romance series, by Stephenie Meyer. One of themes that I find fascinating in the books is that of personal transformation. The books take this theme quite literally, with characters turning into vampires and werewolves. However in real life, albeit in a less obvious way, it’s also not uncommon for people to go through dramatic transformations based on life experiences. Sometimes, we can go through something so traumatic, that it changes the person we were originally destined to become.
One scene in the fourth book of the saga, Breaking Dawn, reminded me of such a transformation. It is the scene where Bella is turning into a vampire on the inside, but on the outside she is lying still and seemingly serene. The other vampires are amazed at how calm and peaceful she seems, because normally the change from human to vampire is excruciatingly painful. The reality is that Bella is in absolute agony. She is completely paralyzed and helpless to let anyone know about the torment she is suffering.
That is the way many abuse survivors feel, as they suffer the fallout from their trauma. Being the victim of sexual abuse in the orthodox community is very different from being the victim of any other type of crime (e.g. robbery, non-sexual assault, fraud). While victims of non-sexual crimes can loudly protest their treatment and seek justice from both the orthodox community and the secular legal system, victims of sexual assault at the hands of a frum perpetrator often feel compelled to remain silent. The victim suffers their pain alone and without support.
Those victims who have sought justice from orthodox leadership have often been silenced. I’ve heard directly from some survivors that the way their revelation was received by frum leadership, community members, and family was actually just as traumatizing, if not more so, than the actual abuse itself. Allegations of abuse are often met with suspicion, the fear that if the story goes public it will make a chillul Hashem, the shock that an upstanding member of the community could commit so heinous an act, and the knee jerk reaction to discredit the accuser and their supporters. Cases of abuse are often never reported because of coercive measures inflicted upon the accused and their family. Some victims have been threatened with job loss, school expulsion, business boycotts, shunning, and more. These types of threats all play a role in why many victims never file a police report.
Even for the brave souls who do “go rogue” and contact the police, it’s very hard to stand alone against a large community lobby utilizing all its resources (e.g. money, political contacts, expensive legal counsel) to defend the accused. Often the cases brought to court wind up being dismissed for lack of evidence or credible witnesses. Even those cases that do end in a conviction result in “sweetheart deals” pled by well connected lawyers who are hired by community supporters of the perpetrator. Because of this, many victims make the difficult decision to suffer alone with no one to help them through their misery. Sometimes they must continue to remain in the same community as their attacker and act as if everything is fine when their world has been destroyed. Such an existence is akin to hiding a broken leg in order to qualify for a marathon. You can only live with the secret for so long before the injury is made worse by the deception.
It’s amazing the healing power the simple words, “I believe you” can have. Conversely, when such a revelation is met with disbelief, the effects can be life altering. A person who was once open, trusting, outgoing, and optimistic can become the total opposite the instant a message of, “I don’t believe you” is conveyed.
I wish all survivors who are currently suffering in silence love, peace, and healing. Know that there are people out there who believe you. Be kind to yourselves. Even if you can’t confide in anyone else, find a trusted therapist and get the professional help you need to heal and realize that what happened to you, both before and after the abuse, wasn’t your fault.
