I received this email and thought that it brought up some very interesting points. I gave an honest response, which might get me into trouble with some women, but I thought the exchange was worth sharing.
Mrs. Shapiro,
I have been reading some of your blog posts both old and new and there is something that I wanted to ask you/say to you but I have not yet found the correct words.
This type of discussion usually goes around in circles mostly because women cannot possibly understand what it is like to be a man. They simply cannot. I will endeavor to convey some aspects of what goes through our minds.
1) Men are made up of multiple parts. There is a part of their psyche that many Orthodox Jewish men are “afraid of’ ["afraid" is not the best word but I can't think of a better one] and that is the animalistic part of their mind. God created women with an urge to have babies. Women [I know, not all but MANY women] like babies. While men may love their own CHILDREN, many men do not like babies. Therefore, in order to ensure that the human race would not disappear into oblivion God created men with an urge to have sex [with women (usually)]. This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it is simply a fact of life. In fact, a close reading of the Torah would convey an interesting point – men are permitted to have more than one wife, women are not permitted to have more than one husband. Even after marriage, some men STILL have a powerful sex drive.
At the same time, Orthodox Jewish men are taught that to have sexual thoughts about a woman that is not your wife is forbidden. Besides the halacha it is very disconcerting and uncomfortable to be having a conversation with a woman and at the same time have thoughts about her body.
The result is that many Orthodox Jewish men will seem to be somewhat “aloof” when talking to a women. The more “attractive” the woman is the more uncomfortable/”aloof” the man might seem.
2) Related to the above discussion is the subject of women’s dress in general. Personally, I do not care what the length of a woman’s shaitel might be. I really don’t care. The “long-shaitel-thing” is not really an isolated problem; it’s not just the shaitel. But when a woman wears a long, beautiful shaitel AND a short/tight skirt AND a tight shirt the question arises [assuming she is married] – Why? Now, in the privacy of her own home I understand completely. It is a MITZVAH for a woman to make herself attractive to her husband [btw this is one reason that I do not at all understand how Chassidim can force women to shave their heads - but that is beyond the scope of this discussion] but in PUBLIC there is no reason for a woman to dress in what – to many men – is considered a provocative mode of dress.
I have already heard many of the “responses” to the above stated arguments. And my goal is not really to convince you of anything. I merely wanted to convey some of the thoughts and feelings that some men may have but have not been able to articulate properly.
Thank you for trying to understand,
Misunderstood Male
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Dear Misunderstood Male,
Your email reminds me of an old (since deleted) post by Pop Chassid. He wrote a “pretty please” appeal to Jewish women to dress modestly. He basically said what you did, that women have no idea how difficult it is to be a man. My problem is that you are addressing women who already take pains, to varying degrees, to dress with dignity and modesty. How much more can we do? At some point, the onus has to be on the individual to control himself.
Women’s desires run much deeper than just having babies. Women desire to be desired. That is our struggle. We like to be looked at with admiration by both men and women. It’s not necessarily a sexual desire (of course, it plays a role toward men) – it’s more of the need for outside validation. It’s a weakness that many of us deal with. As such, the mitzvah of being tznius is a real challenge. Especially in today’s time, when tznius seem to mean taking yourself out of the public eye and be unseen while the rest of the female population gets to show off what they’ve got and get attention. For creatures who crave admiration, this is a heavy burden to bear.
And so, when we have men imposing ever stricter limits for us to cover up in loose clothing or short wigs, or even worse, for men to look through us as if we aren’t there, it’s the opposite of everything we desire!
Just as you say “even after marriage, some men STILL have a powerful sex drive,” (sorry, but that gave me a giggle – I guess that’s why Viagra is a multi billion dollar product) even after marriage some women STILL have a powerful drive to be noticed and admired. People think that marriage will make all of our natural urges disappear because we can now channel them into one kosher outlet – our spouse. However, our yetzer hara plays a good trick on us with that theory. We find out at some point after marriage, that our non-kosher desires don’t disappear simply because we are now bound to our husband or wife.
Anyway, I understand the frustration of men (to the extent that I can), but I also know the frustrations of women. Tznius is a beautiful and empowering thing when not used to oppress. The laws of shomer negiah and yichud exist for a good purpose. I would just like to see people start being accountable for their own behavior (both in dressing and behaving appropriately) and not blame others for their struggles. You can’t change what other people do – you can only change yourself.
Trying to understand,
Sharon
