Dear God,
There’s a question that’s been bothering me lately. I’ve tried to work it out on my own, but I haven’t been having much luck. I was hoping that maybe I could run it past you and get some feedback. How can I put this? How do I know which side to believe in abuse allegations as a community bystander reading about the allegations in the news?
As a Jew, as a mother, and as a person who attempts to lead an ethical life, hearing or reading about abuse committed against children or adults in my community hurts. It prompts an immediate visceral reaction of disgust, indignance, and rage. Any good person would feel enraged upon hearing about the molestation of trusting children or the exploitation of adults seeking help from respected community leaders, only to be taken advantage of in the most abhorrent ways imaginable.
In the past, we have silenced victims of abuse. It was seen as a necessary evil to sacrifice justice for the few, in order to protect the image of the whole. To publicize abuse perpetrated by frum people would be a chillul, well, You. People outside of the Jewish community would use these stories, were they to be made public, to fuel existing anti-Semitism. People inside of the community might be so disheartened by stories of abuse that they would go off the derech. It was best to keep such abuse quiet.
If, after review by community rabbis, such allegations were found to have merit, the abuser would be sent away without explanation, free to start a fresh life in another community, and would hopefully have learned their lesson. The victims, free of having to bump into the abuser on the street, could go on with their lives and hopefully put their past behind them. Of course, we know now from hard experience that situations of abuse can’t be resolved in such a tidy manner. Abusers often go on to reoffend, and victims live with the scars of their abuse for a lifetime.
When it comes to publicizing cases of confirmed abuse, loshon horah or chillul You, should not be a factor in warning people. In cases of abuse, refraining from warning people about perpetrators is aiding and abetting the abuser. Keeping silent about an abuser’s crimes is allowing them to continue to harm people. So that brings me back to my original question. When I hear about an alleged case of abuse online or offline, what should my response be?
Do I go into “Activist Warrior Mode,” and start spreading the story as far and wide as I can to warn people about the monster? Do I pause, reflect, and wait until more facts come out about the case before believing the accusations and doing anything to act upon them? Where does dan lachaf zchus fit into abuse allegations?
People make their decision about whom to bestow their dan lachaf zchus upon based on lots of factors. For some, the benefit of the doubt is given to the accused, and the alleged victim is vilified as an unstable liar or bitter person making the accusations out of revenge. For others, the victim is automatically believed. In some cases, this is due to the evidence presented. In other cases, it’s because abuse is a hot topic issue and there are activists anxious to get their name in the press for personal fame and gain as promoters of justice.
The only thing that seems true on both sides of the controversy is that abuse can kill and false accusations of abuse can kill. If one were to do a tally count of bodies on both sides of the equation, I’m sure the number of fatalities on the side of those who were abused would be higher than that of those who have been falsely accused. I have heard many times that there are very few cases of false abuse accusations. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and all that jazz. This could be true, I have no statistics to prove that theory, but even so, if one life is lost because of faulty vilification, don’t we have the responsibility to be very careful about publicly condemning someone before verifying the facts?
These are weighty matters, with life and death hanging in the balance. Even if a victim or falsely accused abuser doesn’t actually commit suicide, there is such a thing as a living death. Zombies are real. People who have had the life and heart sucked out of them, while the community who was supposed to protect them stood idly by and did nothing.
The term “community” protects each and every one of us as individuals from having to take action. “The community did nothing.” Who is this “community” we speak of? Rabbis? Schools? Organizational board members? Volunteer emergency workers? Our neighbors? Anyone else but us? Where does community responsibility end and personal responsibility begin? We’ve sought emunas chachamim in the past over these issues, and things have gone terribly wrong. So once again, God, how do I know who to believe? I really want to stand up and do what’s right. But, how do I know what that is?
Faithfully yours,
Sharon
