Yesterday I posted a rather tongue-in-cheek Facebook status about some vegetables I cooked for dinner.  When you are an orthodox Jew, a vegetable is never just a vegetable.  The post inspired a lot of great comments, so I thought I would share it here.  I think the main thing that struck me is the feeling of judgement or shame that a frum Jew sometimes feels when they do something that goes against the grain of orthodox society – even down to what produce they choose to eat.  This was also touched upon in my post, Lady Pants, about the sense of superiority some women feel over those modern orthodox ladies who choose to wear slacks – even if those slacks are more tznius than skirts.

In some cases, this smugness is a defense mechanism against a feeling of jealousy that other people are “getting away” with leniencies or privileges not afforded to themselves (whether self-imposed or communally imposed).  For example,  “I wish I didn’t have to cover my hair.  Why is it that she doesn’t cover her hair, yet everyone still considers her to be frum?  It’s not fair!” or “I would love to wear pants like hers, but my conscience/religious sensibilities won’t permit me to do so.  Why does she get away with it?” or  “I would love to indulge in those hot Superpretzels at the amusement park being enjoyed by that frum family, but we don’t hold that way. Why do they think its ok for them to eat pretzels at a snack stand without rabbinic supervision, and now my kids are begging us to buy them?! Thanks a lot!”

In any case, the comments on my Facebook post highlight the many splintered and fractured groups among the orthodox, where one group holds that a certain action or item is fine, and another group holds that the same thing is absolutely forbidden.  Of course, we  judge the other groups based on what is or is not permitted within our own group – which ultimately leads to total harmony and Ahavas Yisroel (love for all Jews).  Maybe not.

Here is the status update -

“Bet you never knew I was a rebel! Anyone else love Brussel Sprouts or Cauliflower? I do, and I make them once a week. Asparagus too! Broccoli you ask? My husband put his foot down on that one. Why would fresh roasted vegetables be scandalous? Because of the kashrut war on a host of leafy greens, fruits, and veggies that are deemed to have bug infestation. It is a stamp of orthodoxy to only use frozen Bodek spinach, veggies, and frozen berries – nutrients properly disposed of in the process. In a few years, only Bissli and Paskesz Nutty Chews will be acceptable kosher produce. I refuse to give up my health in the name of kashrut.“

The post sparked debate over everything from the ban on brussel sprouts, to the permissibility of broccoli, to the ingestion of insects, to the scam of frozen Bodek (rabbinically checked) frozen vegetables, to the history of checking veggies before our ancestors had bug lights and veggie wash, etc.  Someone even posited that eating fresh broccoli was on the same level of treifness as eating McDonald’s or shrimp.  The bottom line is that we are judged on everything from our clothing to what’s in our shopping carts.  No detail of a person’s life is too minute for scrutiny.

Boro Park – Thousands are attending the “Tznius Asifa” in Ateres Chaya. @vosiznies

Some of you might have heard about the recent war on tznius happening in Boro Park.  Apparently, there has been a rash of tragedies befalling the residents of Boro Park (illness, death, crime, poverty, failed business prospects, and the continued delay of Moshiach).  It has been determined that women’s clothing and behavior is to blame.

In the meantime, cases of rabbinic improprieties continue to make headlines, and women continue to be implicated as the cause for the male lack of self-control.  Even if people can get behind the concept of children not being responsible for abuse, if that abuse extends to grown women, the ladies must somehow be at fault with their wily ways.

Someone made a comment regarding the recent case linked above on Facebook (HT S.B. – will post full name if she gives permission) – and I thought she brought up some very good points.  I will summarize some of the commenter’s points below and add a few of my own, in order to start the ball rolling for an Online Tznius Asifa.  I am in complete agreement that breaches in tznius have been running rampant, and we need to organize a protest to end the madness and restore order and harmony to our communities.

We, as concerned members of klal yisroel, cannot ignore the alarming decline of tznius standards in our communities.  Our most potent weapon in battle is always achdus, and so the women in our various communities have joined together with the objective of strengthening kedushas yisroel (the holiness of the Jewish people).  With that objective in mind, we propose the following protections against tznius violations –

1. It has come to our attention in the form of more than one unfortunate case, that women have been violated under the guise of treatment from unlicensed rabbinic therapists.  Women will no longer engage in therapeutic services from unlicensed therapists, even under the advice of their rabbis, and even if the said therapist is their rabbi.  It is simply unethical for any unlicensed and untrained individual to perform such services.
2. Ladies and gentleman – we are all taught the prohibitions of yichud from the time of adolescence.  Just because a man happens to be your rabbi, that doesn’t lessen the prohibition of yichud.  No rabbi is allowed to be in a closed room with a female congregant unless there are other people in the building who can walk in at any time, the walls are made of glass so that you are both visible to the public, or the door is left slightly ajar.  Rabbinical consultations do not override the laws of yichud.  If you find yourself in a compromising situation with your rabbi, it is your right and responsibility to leave the room.
3. Husbands – there is no excuse for you to ever put your wife in the compromising position to have to personally bring her undergarments to a rabbi for a shaila.  Nor is there any excuse for her to have to have a phone conversation about her bodily functions or sex life.  This is YOUR responsibility.  As a man, you should be the go between regarding these personal matters to protect your wife’s dignity and to prevent familiarity between your wife and the rabbi.  If you feel embarrassed to address these subjects, think about how your wife must feel!
4. Ladies – if your husband is out of town, ill, or otherwise unable to take a shaila to the rabbi for you, insist upon having a female companion present.  This can be the rav’s own wife, older daughter, or a friend that you bring along for that purpose.  Shailas of an intimate nature should not be discussed alone with a rabbi, especially in his home if no one else is in the house (even with the front door ajar).
5. Rabbis and women of the community – because of the personal nature of the relationship between rabbonim and their congregants, sometimes an air of familiarity can creep in.  We have seen the tragedies that can happen when rabbis and women overstep the professional boundaries and end up on opposite sides in a courtroom.  For the protection of both women and rabbinic leadership, it is essential to assume a professional demeanor on the part of the rabbi and an equally professional demeanor on the part of the congregant.  Friendly conversation is fine, but flirtatious banter is out of line.  Men sometimes don’t know the difference, so don’t make it hard for them see the distinction.  Be friendly not flirty.
6. In the name of sisterhood solidarity, we propose that all wedding ceremonies be treated as if they were a chuppat niddah.  It is unconscionable that some of our Jewish brides, on the happiest day of their lives, must be publicly humiliated in front of their wedding guests and rabbinic witnesses by having their state of tumeh or tahor announced.  To prevent such future transgressions in modesty, we are more than willing to put down our own veils, drink from a separate cup of wine, and accept a ring dropped into the palms of our hands, in order that no other bride should suffer embarrassment.
7. In those communities that still don’t adhere to mandatory reporting laws, and insist on first consulting with rabbonim when charges of abuse are brought to light, women should always have a presence on any beis din (as consultants) or community counsel that deals with with such charges. We need the perspective of wives, mothers, daughters, female professional counselors, and victims to determine the validity and threat level of accusations of abuse.  This important task should not be left solely in the hands of men. (Hat Tip Yerachmiel Lopin).

This is just the beginning of our campaign to take control over our own dignity and tznius.  We have seen that this isn’t merely a matter of hemlines, sleeve lengths, or the kinds of head coverings we wear.  Finally, we are taking seriously the warnings of men, that they cannot control their animal natures.  We must take precautions to protect ourselves. Assuming that men can control themselves has led to tznius violations that have caused untold harm to our communities.  Women can fight these transgressions by believing the words of our gedolim, and guarding ourselves against improper conduct with the holy men in our communities.  We must address the problem of modesty where it originates – with the men.  This will ultimately benefit our entire kehilla.

Feel free to add to the agenda items.
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Photo from www.dailypainters.com

As Mashi made her way down the vegetable aisle, the smell of half rotten garlic and wilting cilantro filled her nostrils.  The prices at Ginnetti’s Fruit Market were the lowest in the city, but you really had to pick through the selections to find the fresh stuff.   Mashi was distracted by a display of brightly colored yellow peppers.  One of these would make such a nice addition to her Shabbos salad.  She picked up a shiny pepper and checked the price on the vegetable bin.  $2.49 per pepper!  This was above her budget.

Mashi thought for a moment about the Shabbos that awaited her.  She would light candles in her small apartment, her mouth filled with unanswered prayers, and sit down to a table set for one.  Instead of a baritone voice leading a family in the songs of Shalom Aleichim or Aishet Chayil, only her lone soprano would croon out the tunes to an empty room.

There would be no children to bless, no foreheads to kiss, and no calls for everyone to settle down and pay attention to Tatty’s kiddush.  Instead of responding “Amen” to the blessing over the wine, Mashi would perform the unwanted task herself, feeling as if she was stealing someone else’s job.  She would wash Netilat Yadaim, make HaMotzi, and tuck into her simple meal, trying to be thankful that Hashem provided her with the means to make yet another Shabbos.

“L’kavod Shabbos kodesh.” Mashi thought, as she put the yellow pepper in her cart.  Anything that could possibly brighten another lonely Shabbos was worth an extra dollar or two.

As Mashi trudged home with her plastic shopping bags hanging off of her pinched wrists, she thought once again about her dilemma.

“I need an answer, Mashi.” her cousin Rena had said that morning.  “Mrs. Mendelsberg isn’t going to wait forever.  She already has other prospects lined up for this guy.  What do you have to lose?”

It wasn’t often that Mashi was redt a shidduch anymore.  At forty nine, her childbearing years were most likely behind her.  The only hope she had for a family now was through stepchildren.  Pinchus Sirkin certainly could provide her with stepchildren.  A widower with seven kids, five of whom still lived at home, fifty seven year old Pinchus was in the market for a new wife.

Walking down the street, Mashi stepped through the slush, and winced against the chilly air.  She came up behind an elderly couple and imagined them to be two waddling penguins, like the kind she had seen on a trip to the aquarium with her nieces and nephews.  She’d read on one of the signs that penguins mate for life.  Mashi wished she were a penguin.

How easy it would be to know her place in this world if she had been born a penguin!  She would hatch from an egg in Antarctica and be nurtured by a mother bound to her through hard-wired instinct.  She would have no other cares but learning to swim, fish, and stay away from obvious predators.  She and her eventual mate would meet on an ice sheet and immediately recognize each other by smell, sight, and sound.  They would remain together forever, raising a new generation of chicks.

Mashi attempted to balance her bags and dig out her house keys from her pocket with gloved hands.  After several failed attempts, she bit off her right glove at the finger, and grabbed the keys.  The glove still dangling from her teeth, Mashi imagined her hand as a crystallized ice sculpture, gracefully frozen in the pose of inserting a key into a door lock.  The cold broke her reverie, and she quickly turned the lock and went inside the musty stairwell.

Mustard shag carpet graced the staircase and landings of the three flat building.  Mashi trudged up past the strollers, scooters, and a large tub of old sidewalk chalk left out by her neighbors.  On her way up she heard the muffled sounds of a toddler’s tantrum, a man’s deep voice singing “I’m Big Gedalia Goomber,” and a wheezy vacuum whose whine rose and fell with each back and forth across an unseen welcome mat.

At the third floor landing, Mashi put her bags down and removed her boots.  She slid her feet into her house slippers and unlocked the door to her apartment.  Bringing the groceries into her tiny kitchen, she was taken back twenty years.  Standing in the same spot, Mashi’s mother unpacked the Pesach goods dropped off by the gemach.  Putting away cartons of eggs, cheese, milk, and yogurt, Mashi’s mother bent over the refrigerator, straining the buttons on her floral housecoat.

“Mashi!” her mother hollered. “Where are you?  I need you!”

Mashi shuffled down the hallway and braced herself.  Mommy was always tense before Pesach, and they had spent the last few weeks getting the house and kitchen scoured and scrubbed in preparation for the Pesach food delivery.  Finally, everything was cleaned, covered, and kosher enough not to render the holiday food chometz.  The next stage of their preparations were about to begin with the sorting and storing of the Pesach food and finally, the cooking and baking.

“I need you to shlep the boxes of potatoes and oranges to the pantry.  I can’t do it with my back.”  Mommy said.

Mashi bent down to lift the box of potatoes, but found it to be too heavy.  She started to drag the box across the floor.

“Stop!” Mommy screamed in horror.  “Look at that trail of chometz that’s coming from the box!  You’re dragging chometz across the floor that we just cleaned!  Come here!  Take these newspapers and line the bottom of the pantry.  Take them!”

Mashi took a stack of papers and laid them in overlapping rectangles on the floor of the pantry.  She then hoisted the box of potatoes a few inches above the ground and hobbled, ape-like, over to the pantry and banged the box down.

“Careful!” Mommy yelled. “Now take this towel and clean up the streaks off the floor.”

As Mashi got down on her hands and knees, she heard her mother mutter, “So stupid!”

“You’re twenty nine years old, and don’t know how to make Pesach?  Nu, I never showed you?  Don’t say I didn’t teach you.  How are you going to make a kosher home if you can’t make a Pesach?” Mommy asked.

Mashi kept her head down and her hands wiping.  “I’m sorry, Mommy.  I didn’t know the box was dirty underneath.”

Mommy sighed and placed a large pot underneath the running faucet.  “Tell me, what happened with the accountant?  Are you going to go out with him again?”

Mashi had gone on a date with a bookkeeper the night before.  Ari didn’t actually have an accounting degree, but he worked keeping track of expenses at his uncle’s shoe factory.  He actually had more interest in making shoes, than counting up how much it cost to make them and how much other people paid to buy them.  However, the factory workers were all non-Jews.  Ari’s uncle said it was beneath him to work on the factory floor.  Bookkeeping was a respectable parnassah.

Ari had spent a long time asking Mashi about her shoes.  Where she bought them, how much she paid.  With pride, he told her about the materials they were made from – leather uppers and manmade soles (which was bad).  The soles were attached with machine stitching and glue (also bad) instead of being hand sewn.  He told her that they were made in China (from bad to worse) instead of Italy (the best place for a shoe to be made).

“I think Ari was more interested in my shoes than he was in me, Mommy.”

“What are you talking about?  A man talks about his work.  A woman listens and makes him feel important.  That’s a wife’s job, to listen about his day!  To take an interest!  I hope you took an interest?  Did you act interested?  Did you ask him questions about his job?”  Mommy looked worried.

“I tried to ask him questions.  To be honest, I just don’t care that much about shoes, Ma.” Mashi knew what was coming next.  The anger, the disappointment, the rebuke.

“Who cares about the shoes?  It’s not about the shoes!  You don’t need to like shoes!  You need to like him!  He needs to like you!  You pretend to like shoes so he will like you!  Do you like being alone?  Do you like living with your mother until I’m no longer around?  Do you like the idea of never having your own home, your own children?  Is that what you like?!!!” Mommy yelled.  Her short gray wig was slightly twisted around her head, lending her the look of a flustered British barrister.

Mashi could feel tears threatening to surface.  She was caught between a rock and a hard place.  Ari could be her ticket out of this prison cell, but his ticket led straight into another confine.  At least this cage was familiar.

“Zeeskeit,” Mommy began.  This was never a good sign. “Ever since Tatty was niftar, God rest his soul, my one wish before I join him is that you find your bashert.  I can’t rest easy until I know you are taken care of.  You were such a devoted daughter to Tatty, and I know he is watching and waiting from above until he can be at your chasana.  Have no doubt, he’ll be there on that special day!  Don’t you want that day to come sooner rather than later? If you wait too long, both of us will be malachim at your wedding.  I’m sure you want me to be there in body and not just spirit?”

For the next eighteen years, Mashi’s mother made similar speeches after each failed shidduch, until her actual death two years ago.  If Mashi ever married, Mommy and Tatty would now both be relegated to the ghostly guest registry populated by her ancestors.

As Mashi put away her groceries and began to assemble ingredients for her Shabbos meal, she knew she had let her parents down.  This lonely life wasn’t what they had wanted for her.  It wasn’t what she wanted for herself either, but she knew from living all those years with her mother, that one can live with another and still feel alone.

“Fairy tales.”  Mashi thought.  “I’ve been holding on to fantasies and fairy tales.”

Drying her hands on a dish towel, Mashi left her lettuce to soak, and the cucumber lying in a bed of its own peels.

“Hello, Rena?” Mashi said into the phone.  “Yes, I’ve decided to let Mrs. Mendelsberg know that I’d like to meet Pinchus.  It’s only one date, right?”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been saying!” exclaimed Rena. “I’m so pleased!  You won’t regret it.  Mrs. Mendelsberg says that Pinchus is such an aidel man, such a caring father.  That’s how you know a good man – by how he is with his kids.  He’s very good with his children.  You know he’ll be a good Tatty because he’s already proven himself!”

“That’s a good sign, I suppose.” said Mashi. “Anyway, have a good Shabbos.  Call me after you reach her and let me know what’s next.”

Hanging up, Mashi went back to the cutting board.  She sliced into the yellow pepper, and inhaled the subtle aroma.  She ran her right thumb across the inside flesh and scraped the seeds into the garbage bin with her nail.  She bathed the two halves of the seeded pepper under the warm spray of the faucet.  Mashi diced the golden vegetable into the finest mince she could manage.  She gathered every last piece into the salad bowl, not wanting to waste a precious morsel.  Somehow, Mashi had the feeling that this would be her last yellow pepper for awhile.  She would enjoy every bite that night, l’kavod Shabbos kodesh.

Yesterday I was spammed on Twitter by an orthodox Jewish business owner over an article I retweeted from The Forward, “Hobby Lobby Discriminates in the Name of Religion With Help from Orthodox Outliers: Court Case Pits ‘Religious Liberty’ Against Reproductive Rights.”  The article discusses a Supreme Court case, due to be heard next month, regarding the Affordable Care Act’s ‘contraceptive mandate.’

“The case — actually a consolidation of two similar cases, Hobby Lobby v. Sebelius and Conestoga Wood v. Sebelius — comes in the wake of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare. Among the myriad provisions of the ACA, the Department of Health and Human Services required that corporations include coverage for contraception in the health plans they offer their employees.

Two corporations owned by religious individuals have sued, claiming — as did the proponents of Arizona’s anti-gay law — that their religious liberty is being violated. And surprisingly, a handful of Orthodox Jewish organizations are supporting them.”

When company insurance policies were required to include contraceptive coverage in 2003, religious groups were outraged.  To accommodate the cries for religious liberty, exemptions from this ruling were granted to religious nonprofit employers.  However, for-profit corporations were still subject to providing contraceptive insurance coverage for their employees – even if such coverage ran contrary to the religious beliefs of business owners.

Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood, Catholic owned businesses, represented by Catholic funded nonprofits have sued against this requirement.  They have been joined by a group of Jewish orthodox institutions in their battle to have religious liberty take precedence over personal rights to safe and insurance covered contraception, abortion, or even sterilization.

The Jewish organizations that have aligned themselves with other religious groups fighting against the contraceptive mandate are Agudas Harabbanim, Agudath Israel of America, National Council of Young Israel, Rabbinical Alliance of America, Rabbinical Council of America, Torah Umesorah, and The Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America.

I remembered seeing this statement by the OU, Orthodox Union Supports Religious Liberty Challenge to Obamacare ‘Contraceptives Mandate’ that talked about standing in solidarity with people of all faiths to prevent religious coercion  –

“While Judaism may not hold the same theological objections to contraception as the plaintiffs in these cases, we certainly have the same stake in guaranteeing the most robust protection for religious freedom.”

Strangely, the orthodox Twitter-bomber was insistent that Judaism almost never allows for birth control, abortion, nor female sterilization.  He felt that his religious liberties as a frum employer were being violated by having to pay for insurance policies that cover such medications or medical procedures.  He had no problem with government health care reimbursing women independently for such care, but didn’t want to be forced to provide financial coverage directly as an employer.  He also attempted reverse psychology by insisting that his female employees were perfectly capable of paying for their own medical expenses –

“It’s a shame you think my female employees are nothing other than helpless waifs defined by their need for handouts.”

I don’t feel that such opposition to insurance coverage of women’s reproductive health is representative of Jewish law.  I would argue that in terms of allowing reproductive medical intervention, each situation is decided on a case by case basis. Additionally, either through my own experience or the experiences of those close to me, I personally know women who have received heters for one or more of the scenerios mentioned earlier.

I also find it odd that this orthodox Tweeter and those frum organizations who support the Hobby Lobby case claim to be advocating for the religious freedom of all Jews from Reform to Haredi, when liberal Jewish organizations have come out against this case.  For example, the ADL writes –

“Sebelius, et al. v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., et al. (U.S. Supreme Court, 2014)

At issue in this case is a challenge by owners of for-profit, secular corporations to the federal Affordable Care Act’s contraception mandate. The mandate requires the corporations to provide employees with comprehensive health insurance, including birth control coverage, or to pay a modest tax, which is generally lower than the aggregate cost of employee health insurance. The owners and corporations claim that the contraception mandate violates the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act (“RFRA”) by “substantially burdening” their religious exercise. ADL’s amicus brief argues that for multiple reasons, including the corporations having the option of not providing comprehensive health insurance, any burden on religious exercise posed by the mandate is incidental and therefore it does not violate RFRA.”

However, the orthodox opposition made more sense to me when I read this article from The Jewish Press, supporting the aversion to the contraceptive mandate for corporations.  It summarized the brief presented by orthodox groups in support of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which did acknowledge that “the Jewish faith does not prohibit the financing of contraception.”  The crux of the matter is in the next bit –

“…The legal position taken by the administration threatens to curtail religious observances by American Jews inasmuch as Jewish law does not distinguish between and among different forms of business ownership.

Describing the recent experience of seven Brooklyn merchants who, out of religious conviction, posted signs in their stores barring immodest dress, the brief noted that it made no difference to their religious observance whether the businesses were or were not operated as corporations.”

Remember the recent lawsuit concerning seven Satmar businesses in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? They were sued by the city on charges that their modesty dress code signs discriminated against women on the basis of religion. Ultimately, the city dropped the suit after the businesses agreed to modify their signs to include wording that all individuals would be “welcome to enter the stores free from discrimination.”

As the Orthodox Union statement indicated, the actual issue for orthodox groups isn’t about insurance coverage for women’s reproductive health, it’s about future ramifications on religious freedoms.  For example, if I, as a Jew, own a kosher slaughterhouse, and the state passes a law that says all slaughterhouses must first stun animals before slaughter, as a business owner, I must comply with that rule.  However, in doing so, my slaughtered animals are no longer kosher.

In Jewish law, a business is not judged independently from the individual.  By stunning my cattle before slaughter, although I am compliant with the state law, I am breaking the Jewish law regarding proper kosher slaughter, and will be held accountable by divine judgment.

Apparently, allowing women to patronize or work for your business while wearing pritzus clothing would also constitute a violation of an orthodox man’s personal religious observance.  His business doesn’t get a free pass from this prohibition in the name of discrimination against women.  Therefore, the owner would be subject to God’s divine judgment for letting untznius women shop or work in his store.

What I don’t understand, is why women’s health coverage has to be the sacrificial lamb for this fight?  Why are orthodox Jewish men arguing against contraceptive coverage as if Judaism holds the same opinion regarding reproductive issues as the Catholic Church?  Apparently to push forward an agenda, like the recent case in Williamsburg, that would allow such communities to impose subjective standards of piety, such as tznius, on both workers and customers.

Do our leaders really have no concern that there will be women unable to afford their right to basic health care such as contraception (or ‘abortifacients’ as my haredi Twitter friend called them) or reproductive health procedures?  Does their political agenda override healthcare funding that could affect pikuach nefesh?  Does telling women that they are free to find employment elsewhere with a corporation willing to cover contraception answer the disagreement?  Was even one frum woman consulted to share her opinion about how RFRA will affect women in our communities?  I wonder why more orthodox women aren’t upset over this betrayal by our leadership?

I chose this Throwback Thursday post from 2008 to show how some things never change.  Back then, the Jewish media was buzzing about Rabbanit Bruria Keren, dubbed “Mother Taliban,” from Ramat Beit Shemesh, founder of the burka lady cult.  She advocated a hyper-tznius way of life for herself and her members, with women kept virtual prisoners in their own homes, rarely speaking, and donning layers of burkas that only revealed their eyes.  In the end, Keren was arrested on charges of child abuse, and her cult disbanded, although apparently a stray burka lady can still be seen floating down the streets of Israel today.

It seems that everything old is new again, with another burka lady cult currently in Canada, called Lev Tahor.  Lev Tahor, led by convicted kidnapper Shlomo Halbrans, has been running from Quebec law since November 2003.  Quebec social services, after investigation, ordered 14 children to be removed from the community on charges of child abuse and neglect.  The cult fled in the middle of the night to Chatham, Ontario, hoping to escape and find protection from the child removal order.  They have spent the past few months on a media blitz hoping to convince Canadian citizens that they are normal people being targeted by anti-Semitism.  They have won over a small group of human rights activists who believe Lev Tahor’s spin that this is a religious freedom issue.

Judges in both Quebec and Ontario have upheld the decision to remove the children to foster care, however Lev Tahor filed an appeal to those decisions.  In defiance of a judge’s orders that the group remain in Canada until the appeal decision, 9 members of the group were detained in Trinidad on Monday trying to flee the country ahead of the court decision.  They are refusing orders to board a plane back to Canada.

The Globe and Mail reports -

“Reached by phone, one of the Lev Tahor representatives, Uriel Goldman, did not want to comment on whether the two families targeted by the court order had indeed left for Trinidad. Asked whether the 14 children were still in Chatham, he said, “I don’t think so.”

He defended their parents. “They’re very responsible people, they know what they’re doing,” he said, adding that he could not say where they were now.”

How One Person’s Neurosis Can Become a Cult Following

Much has been written in the Jblogosphere about the appearance of the Jewish burka. Miriam Shaviv wrote an article in The Jewish Chronicle that discussed the phenomenon and its creator, Rabbanit Bruria Keren, a mother of 10 from Ramat Beit Shemesh. Her article references Keren as being a woman who rarely leaves her home and speaks only for four hours a week to offer “alternative therapy” to her followers. Some of the women wear more than 10 layers of clothing, including dark socks, with the ends cut off, over their hands. They never wear heels, lest the noise attracts attention.

Keren’s story inspired incredulity, anger, fear, and derision from much of the frum world. The tent-like robes that she and her followers wear were dubbed the “frumka.” Much that was written about Keren and her followers focused on the extreme clothing they wore and a new phrase was coined by Mother in Israel, Hyper-Tzniut.

The Rabbanit Keren story which, for most of us in the United States, has faded into the sunset as simply another wacky tale about a small group of extremists, has turned into a tragic tale. Mother in Israel reports in a post entitled, Layered Beit Shemesh mother of 12 arrested for severe child abuse, that Keren was the woman arrested in a case reported by The Jerusalem Post (although Shaviv’s article cites her as having 10 children).

The Jerusalem Post article says,

“According to haredi media and a well-informed source in Beit Shemesh, the 54-year-old mother of 12 is suspected of serious child abuse and failing to report multiple cases of incest among her children…….”

“Another Beit Shemesh resident and haredi journalist, who preferred to remain anonymous, predicted that the arrest of their leader would send the sect spiraling into a “major spiritual tailspin that would lead to its demise.”

Rafi G posts more on the story in his article, The Demise of the Burqa Babes. Dovbear used Rafi’s post as a springboard and has a lively discussion going on over at his blog on the topic. The Muqata minces no words as he gives more background on Keren’s arrest. Jewlicious also puts in his two cents.

This is not the first time that a cult following has been built on the unstable foundation of one strong but flawed personality. I call the burka ladies a cult, because they were/are not promoting a Jewish outlook with a halachic basis or approach. To be sure, they are not the first subgroup within Judaism from the past or present to break into a fringe cult, nor will they be the last.

It has been hinted that Keren is the dominating personality in her household. Her skills at influencing people obviously extend beyond the realm of her daled amos. How is she different than the likes of Jim Jones, creator of the People’s Temple and mastermind of the mass suicide at Jonestown? How about David Koresh, leader of the Branch Davidian church who was responsible for the Waco Texas Massacre of his followers? These were unbalanced people with their own demons, yet they were able to attract a loyal following of others who perhaps had their own demons to bury.

There is an article on ReallyWeirdStuff.com entitled, How To Be A Successful Cult Leader, and Keren seems to fit the bill on several points.

Mind Control: Manipulate subject by the use of coercive persuasion or behavior modification techniques advanced in hypnotic language patterns without subject’s informed consent.

Charismatic Leadership: Claim special knowledge and or skills, demand unquestioning obedience with power and privilege, excessive discipline and expectations.

Exclusivity: Secretiveness or vagueness by followers regarding activities and beliefs. Intimacy and boundary issues with followers.

Alienation: All followers will naturally feel the need to separate from family, friends and society, a change in values and substitute the cult as the new “family” or “new criteria” evidence of subtle or abrupt personality changes occur. The best test of your success is when they leave their life behind with no understanding why or ability to explain why.

Exploitation: Can be financial, physical or psychological; pressure to give money, to spend a great deal on courses or give excessively to special projects. Expect to them to work excessive hours without pay and to engage in inappropriate sexual activities.

Totalitarian World view (we/they syndrome): Effecting dependence, promoting goals of the group over the individual and approving unethical behavior while claiming goodness.

Group pressure: Discourages doubts and reinforces the need to belong through the use of child-like games, singing, hugging, touching or flattery. Enhance their need for recognition by telling them “You just never tried hard enough”, or if they threaten to quit, “You were never truly committed enough anyway”, works very well.

Isolation/Separation: Creates inability or lack of desire to verify information provided by the group with reality. Get them to live in your philosophy with few people supporting that reality. Never let them get close enough to others to really be known intimately. Works best if they create posters of their new philosophy and post them in every open space of their environment.

Thought Controlling and Feeling Stopping Techniques: Introduce recruit to meditating, chanting, and repetitious activities which, when used excessively, induce a perfect state of high suggestibility.

Fear and Guilt: Induced by eliciting confessions to produce intimacy and to reveal fears and secrets, to create emotional vulnerability by overt and covert suggestion or threats, as well as alternation of punishment and reward. Subject should easily “fall in Love” with 1 or more fellow cult participants to ensure commitment to the group and each other.

Inadequate Nutrition: Sometimes disguised as special diet to improve health or advance spirituality, or as rituals requiring fasting.

It seems as though Keren not only used these kind of techniques on her recruits but also on her children. We can only pray that they will now be taken to safety and receive the psychological and emotional help they need.

“When you meet the friendliest people you have ever known, who introduce you to the most loving group of people you’ve ever encountered, and you find the leader to be the most inspired, caring, compassionate and understanding person you’ve ever met, and then you learn that that cause of the group is something you never dared hope could be accomplished, and all of this sounds too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true!”

“Don’t give up your education, your hopes and ambitions, to follow a rainbow.”
- Jenne Mills, former member of the People’s Temple and subsequent victim of assassination a year following the November 18, 1978 Jonestown suicide/murders of 911 adults and children.

Belonging to a modern orthodox community largely made up of regular internet users, I often hear people scoffing at the haredi outcry against personal internet usage and smart phones.  Nowadays, it is difficult for even the most ultra orthodox folks to get away with shunning the online world completely.  At the very least, email and texting are fairly common, along with highly filtered internet browsers used for work or educational purposes.

In 2012, a 40,000 man Internet Asifa rally against the internet at Citi Field got a lot of press.  While some critics decried the rally as a chillul Hashem, asking why the same level of outrage and participation wasn’t directed toward more pressing issues like child abuse (I wholeheartedly agree with this opinion), others took a more moderate approach to their critique.

Those moderate voices said that the internet Asifa wasn’t against necessary usage of the internet, but against the easy access to pornography that the internet provides.  The Asifah hoped to bring public awareness to the dangers of the internet, and educate the public about how to protect itself against spiritually harmful content.

While every individual might have a different standard for what type of internet content is spiritually harmful, religious people tend to have a narrower outlook on what is acceptable viewing material.  Consequently, a recent Case Western Reserve University study showed that the more religious a person is, the more they will think of themselves as a porn addict even after viewing internet pornography only once.

The conclusion drawn by this study could also explain the popularity and growth of an online website, Guard Your Eyes, created specifically to help orthodox Jews overcome their internet, pornography, and sex addictions.  In light of the Case Western Reserve study, one has to wonder how many members of Guard Your Eyes actually have legitimate addictions, and how many simply suffer from religious guilt over occasional behavior that would be considered normal by secular standards.

On the other hand, there are certainly those frum folks who are drawn into the dark side of the internet beyond the occasional slip-up.  Recent news has highlighted the case of a respected rabbi accused of downloading and distributed child porn via file sharing websites.  [Do not click on any of the links for the rest of this paragraph if you don’t want to see possible pornographic pop-up ads, pictures,or descriptions associated with some of the articles] If my blog hit search terms are any indication, there are quite a few individuals who seek out fetish pornography specifically featuring orthodox players, and even go so far as to secretly attempt to videotape people, such as this mikvah lady who claimed to secretly film clients during her work shift.  There are also websites that have been created (and deleted) solely for the purpose of frum hookups and frum people openly advertising for one night stands on Craigslist.

Ok, so enough of a taste of the internet’s dark side that can claim the souls of frum men and women.  I’ve referenced enough to prove that the chosen people have wandered the desert of the World Wide Web, and planted their unique flag of heimishe schmutz in various online outposts.  The internet can, indeed, be soul killing.  Men and women can waste a mind boggling amount of time online engaged in nefarious activities.   Caught in an endless compulsion to click on a never ending supply of images and videos, orthodox Jews are drained of both their self respect and other bodily fluids of the forbidden sort.

That being said, the internet is like air or food in the 21^st century.  It is impossible to function in our daily lives without access to online technology.  Personal and business communications, education, work technology, entertainment, everything is online.  We can’t avoid it, we can only be smart about what we look at.  In many ways, I believe that our children will have it easier than those of us “oldies” who were exposed to the internet later in life.  The internet was such a novelty, as was the ready availability of adult material.  Subsequently, many of us got caught up in the virtual beckoning of the online red light district.

Our children are being introduced to an internet that has more sites exclusively for kids than ever before.  Contrary to being a novelty, the internet is simply a part of their natural landscape.  It’s true that the internet is always growing, changing, and presenting new challenges.  However, it’s not quite the untamed Wild West that it was in the late 1990s and early 2000’s.  It’s not so much about the creation of new filters that block unsavory websites, because it’s my belief that even the most basic user can find ways around filters if they are determined.  It’s more about experience making us into more educated users who can pass along our knowledge, most of us having navigated the web for a good 10-20 years.

We need to be open with our children about the dangers of the web.  We also need to have a large selection of safe websites for our children and ourselves to visit.  It’s important to have a map (bookmarks) to navigate our online journeys.  Having a roadmap of safe websites to visit prevents us from getting lost in a maze of unsafe destinations.  Our computers, even at home, should be set up in close proximity to each other – both so that we can monitor our kid’s usage, and so we can monitor ourselves.  Most of us wouldn’t feel comfortable viewing X-rated material in front of our spouses or children.  Using the internet in public areas of our home keeps us honest.

There are many more suggestions and opinions that I could offer about internet safety and the real dangers of the online world.  Due to my former work in competitive intelligence, I was an early adopter and tester of many of the social media technologies used today.  I have seen their evolution and both the benefit and toll they can take on users.  I don’t agree that internet pornography is one of the main threats to orthodox Judaism, and if the growing online participation of many haredi  groups is any indication, those supporters of the 2012 Asifa are starting to change their stance on the topic too.  So many haredi groups formerly against any type of internet usage are now establishing an online presence.  However, if we are honest, those of us who are long time internet users must admit that the internet can be a dangerous place if not used with caution.  To dismiss the potential threats of the internet is naive at best, and disingenuous at its worst.

An Ultra Orthodox Jewish women and her costumed children pass by a beggar on a street in Bnei Brak, outside Tel Aviv, 24 February 2013. Credit: EPA 

Today Haaretz ran an article talking about the wide marketing of immodest women’s Purim costumes in Israel.   I was sad and surprised to hear that women in Israel have just as hard of a time finding modest Purim costumes in Israel as we do here in America.  In the United States, the few weeks before Purim is the time that mothers of older girls frantically scour costume websites that normally serve Halloween customers.  We look up brick and mortar addresses of obscure local businesses catering to the theater crowds, party stores, year round costume rentals – all in the name of finding that elusive item of clothing – the tznius Purim costume.

Those with sewing skills smugly create their own fashions, knowing that they are among the lucky few not having to fight this particular battle.  Although for these talented seamstresses, stitching home-made costumes piles on extra work in addition to the tasks of finding a creative Mishloach Manos theme and planning a Purim seuda worthy of King Achashverosh.  Additionally, some of us have to contend with “Purim Inferiority Complex,” which is defined by checking out the quantity and extravagance levels of the Michloach Manos your neighbors got, and feeling like you either got shortchanged or you have no friends.

Back to the subject at hand which, on the surface is, slutty Purim costumes.   In America, where we pinch our Purim costumes from Halloween party goers, it’s obvious that women in professions simply exist for the purpose of sexualizing those said professions during All Hallow’s Eve.  Ever wanted to go into healthcare?  What about being a Sexy Nurse?  Have a passion for law enforcement?  Being a Sexy Cop fits the bill! For those fans of the movie Captain Phillips, what about being a Sexy Pirate?  Judging by the available costumes in America, Halloween is an excuse for normally conservative women to “spice it up for a day,” so to speak.

I would have thought that Israel would have a greater selection of tznius costumes for Purim – but if I think about it – like Simchas Torah, Purim is mainly a holiday for men.  Past a certain age, you usually don’t see orthodox girls and women dressed in Purim costumes.  I have seen ads in the past exhorting women NOT to drink alcohol, whereas men turn their minds into pretzels trying to decide exactly how much alchohol fufills the mitzvah before they poop their pants, and warning young men not to drink and drive or risk succumbing to alcohol poisoning.  I’ve never seen such ads directed at seminary girls. While I haven’t seen signs explicitly requesting that women don’t dress in costumes, I can believe that this could be the general sentiment in some orthodox circles. Therefore, it makes sense that the women’s costumes available for Purim in Israel wouldn’t necessarily cater to a religious consumer – they aren’t buying them.

In fact, a 2011 ad in the Monsey local paper, Community Connections, asked women to be like Esther HaMalka, and make themselves scarce during the Purim holiday by not laughing, not being noticed or heard, and staying in the inner rooms:

In 2013, Community Connections struck again, by asking women not to feel bad that they were missing out on the fun of Purim, because by remaining unseen and unheard, they will reap eternal rewards.  Women were even asked to minimize their presence in front of tzedaka collectors:

Even little girls wanting to dress up as Esther HaMalka, were Malka’ed from photos in orthodox publications advertising children’s Purim costumes:

Apparently Esther HaMalka epitomized the ultimate attributes desirable in all good women, she was neither seen nor heard.  Quite frankly, I’m surprised that any self-respecting orthodox community would continue to have her mentioned in the Megillah at all.  I’m beginning to suspect that the character of Esther might be erased out in a few years, when our society is more accepting of teiva marriage.

You see, I think that Esther HaMalka was really Mordechai’s alter ego.  Mordechai HaMalka.  Oh, grow up!  This was Persia people!  A land of decadence and extremes – anything went!  That’s right, King Achashverosh was looking for a new queen, and it was more akin to RuPaul’s Drag Race than America’s Next Top Model!  Well, wouldn’t this version of the story best represent orthodox ideals?  The hero is really Mordechai (I’ve heard this said, anyway) and we don’t need those pesky women mucking up an otherwise nice piece of Jewish history.  Why not cut out Esther all together, as we are trying to do to her descendents?

For an orthodox Jewish woman, the answer to that question is always yes.  Women who dress modestly don’t vary the amount of skin they show by the weather.  There is only one fashion season for the tznius woman.  While the weight or color of the fabric might alter, the orthodox outfit of the day will always provide full body coverage, regardless of what month it is on the calendar.

For a secular woman, however, this time of year has a much different tone.  Clothing stores are breaking out summer wear in full force.  Fashion magazines are running articles on how to quickly tone up for warm weather styles.  Weight loss companies are gearing marketing efforts towards those who want to shed their winter weight in time to hit the beaches this summer.  It’s a countdown before the temperatures rise, and the big reveal happens.  Who stuck to their diet and exercise regimes over the winter?  Who gained extra pounds beneath bulky cable knit sweaters and snow parkas?  Hot weather is the ultimate truth serum.

On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that women need to feel pressured to have a bikini ready body every summer.  If they don’t make their goal, some suffer through pool parties in loose cover-ups and feel forced to decline a dip in the pool due to recently diagnosed chlorine allergies.  They do their best to avoid photographic evidence of their extra baggage, and basically spend their summer hoping for an early autumn to arrive.  Those women who were diligent about getting or staying in shape over the winter, revel in the body baring styles of summer.  They look forward to outings that require swimwear and the compliments they are sure to receive.  A woman’s weight can determine her seasonal happiness.

As an orthodox Jewish woman, it is very liberating not to be a slave to the gym or the scale.  My weight is my business, and underneath my long and loose clothing, no one needs to know if I’ve put on a few pounds, or if my thighs rub together, or if my arms are two flappy bird wings. My body isn’t on display for public viewing or scrutiny.  It’s great not having to get in shape for the upcoming summer months!  Or is it?

One consequence of keeping covered is the tendency to let ourselves go.  When we have no check points – swimsuit season, a formal event requiring skin-baring gowns – there is little incentive to focus on staying in shape.  Toss multiple pregnancies and resulting weight gain into the mix, and it can be a recipe for disaster if we are not self motivated.  When you are wearing a bikini in front of friends, family, and potential dates, you are going to make sure every inch is tight. When you are wearing a giant moo moo or burkini, not so much.

However, physical fitness is about more than aesthetics.   Of course, we have to be pleased with our own reflections in the mirror, but our motivation should be good health and long lives.  Many women want to be skinny and beautiful so that men will find them attractive and so that they can compete with other women.  They are willing to spend lots of money and expend lots of effort on fad diets, in order to quickly reach their goals in time for the spring thaw.

Of course, there are plenty of orthodox women who buy into the commercialization of beauty too.  Eating disorders, wasted time and money on scam products, cattiness and competition, attention seeking behavior – the frum community isn’t immune to this either.  However, especially as frum women marry and grow older, I find that most of us succumb to the comfort zone of hiding beneath our modest clothing, and abandoning those fitness goals we might have once had.

Despite not putting our wares on display, we still have the obligation to take care of ourselves.  We owe it to ourselves to be at our best physically and emotionally.  If feeling good and looking good for ourselves can be enough of a motivator to eat right and exercise, we will have achieved what the beauty industry tells women they have to achieve, but on our own terms.

It’s all well and good to decry how the fitness, diet, and beauty industry objectifies women.  However, to shun the value of fitness, diet, and beauty on those grounds is foolish.  Dressing modestly doesn’t mean that we should abandon our physical health – even if dressing modestly sometimes makes it easier to ignore our state of fitness.  I think that women who dress tznius have the opportunity to pass the ultimate test of positive body image.  Instead of losing weight and getting fit for the viewing pleasure of other people, we can attain our health and fitness goals for no other purpose than our own benefit and satisfaction.  Why should getting fit for others be more of a motivation than getting fit for ourselves?  We need to believe that we are worth it.

There is a website that is compiling images of the craziest tznius flyers, proclamations, articles, and advertisements. Someone felt the need to collect these items for posterity, and I can’t stop reading through all the madness.  One item that captivated me were these modesty game cards made for little girls in Lakewood.  I tried to visualize what the bad (red card) behavior would look like, and what the good (green card) behavior would look like.  Realizing that these cards are intended to modify and correct very normal behavior for little girls, this game makes me feel sad.  We are curbing the behavior and clothing of little girls earlier and earlier in the name of modesty.  In a way, is this game so very different from the objectification and hyper-sexualization of young girls in beauty pageants or clothing stores?

I wonder what ever happened to Gitty Grunwald and her child custody battle with her Satmar ex-husband?  I hope she and her family are doing well and have been reunited.  I’ve heard it said that once you are married with kids, a person doesn’t have the right to decide not to be frum anymore.  Anyone who makes that decision, by default, is choosing to give up custody of their children.  That person entered into a binding agreement to be religious and raise their children religious when they married.  They broke that contact by leaving the community.

If only life were that simple.  Many people get married so young, that they haven’t had the chance to fully form their outlook on life yet.  Many people, after years adult life, realize that they aren’t the same person at 28 than they were at 18.   There’s no deception involved.  They simply evolved in a different direction than their spouse and community.  Certainly, such a switch and break is initially jarring and painful for all involved.  However, one thing that will never change, frum or not, the parent who chooses to leave the community will always be a parent.  While the parenting relationship will necessarily adapt and change to the new circumstances, assuming the parent is safe, loving and committed, contact with their children should always be maintained.

You Don’t Need to be Orthodox to be a Good Parent

Many of you have probably already read the article in New York Magazine about Gitty Grunwald. Gitty lived in the the Satmar community of Kiryas Joel (KJ), got married young to a Satmar Chasid, had a baby, and decided the frum lifestyle was not for her. She divorced her husband and left the community with her daughter. Apparently, the community discovered her whereabouts and took her daughter back to her ex-husband and the Satmar community. Gitty is currently fighting a custody battle over her daughter and things currently look bleak.

I have read quite a few blog posts on the subject. While many feel that Gitty was victimized by the strict community she was raised in, others feel that her ex-husband had the right to take their child back to a safe environment and away from the bad influences of Gitty’s new lifestyle. Most people agree that for Gitty to gain custody and for her child’s sake, the only good outcome is if Gitty goes back on the derech – becomes an observant Jew again. Even if this means becoming Modern Orthodox vs her former Hareidi lifestyle – something is better than nothing.

Gitty’s story is a dream for any Orthodox elder that wants to warn of the dangers of going off the derech. Gitty did a total 180 from the religious life she grew up living to the goth/stoner persona she has now adopted. While I agree that in this particular case, it sounds like Gitty needs to get her own life in order before taking back the parenting reigns, I disagree with the attitude in the frum community about the capabilities of non-frum parents to transmit values and middos to their children.

While others who once lived a secular life might have a different story, I did not experience any of the stereotypes that situations like Gitty’s inspire in the frum velt. I have seen token stories like Gitty’s serve as a warning to those in the Orthodox community as to what will happen to a person if they leave an observant lifestyle. A life of drinking, drugs, and depraved sexual activity are waiting in the wings for one who leaves the safety of the Orthodox world.

To believe anything different is to question the very reason that frum people live the way they do. If one can lead a good and wholesome life without formally observing the mitzvot – why are we all restricting ourselves? If one can lead a righteous life without all the technicalities and be rewarded both on earth and in Shamayim, than we’ve all been duped! It’s simply too unfair to even consider such a possibility.

Aside from the few scandalous local stories that float around every community, there are people who quietly leave the frum world all the time. However, they don’t leave all of their common sense and values behind. They continue to be decent people and live clean lives.

My own family, while they had a very strong sense of Jewish identity and married Jewish spouses (save for one cousin), did not observe many of the daily mitzvot, partly out of ignorance and partly as a conscious decision to live in the modern world without old world restrictions.

The elder generation of my family instilled values that were considered old fashioned in our generation. My grandmother never turned down a meshuluch who came to her door or sent a letter, she stressed the importance of education – but didn’t believe one should make themselves sick over their studies (she hated when I pulled an all-nighter), she believed in marrying within our faith, in home cooked meals, in being compassionate, in celebrating yom tovim, lighting Shabbos candles, in treating others how you would want to be treated, in being respectful towards others in order to receive respect, in speaking quietly, in turning the other cheek to avoid a machlokas among family and friends.

My grandfather believed in hard work, in maintaining family ties (I would type out his dictated letters to family all over the country), in supporting your family – and that meant extended family too, in learning a trade, in communal prayer and being part of a shul, in owning your own home, in saving money, in not carrying debt, in playing with children, in saying I love you, and never failing to give his granddaughters a hug and kiss on the keppeleh every time we saw him.

I became observant to reclaim a heritage I felt I was losing. I believed my future children would lose their heritage even more if I remained secular. However, my upbringing was the springboard for my interest in Yiddishkeit. My upbringing didn’t teach me how to translate biblical Hebrew, or make Hamotzei, or daven Shacharis, but it taught me the big picture of how, ideally, a Jew should live.

Being observant and being a good person, unfortunately, can be two different things. The ideal is to mesh observance with menschlekeit in one Yid, and watch how the two qualities enhance each other to create a beautiful life.

“How did you like the Erev Shira production?”

“I didn’t go.  I’m an avel this year.”

“How was the Purim seudah at your shul this year?”

“I didn’t go.  I’m an avel.”

“Can I sign you up for the melave malka?  It’s going to be a lot of fun!”

“I can’t go.  I’m an avel this year.”

“I’m selling the cutest skirts and hats, you should check them out!”

“I’m not buying new clothing this year, because I’m an avel.”

————————————————————————————————————

“Are you looking forward to the wedding?”

“I’m not sure not sure if I am going, I’m an avel”

The above comments and more have pretty much been my life for the last few months.  Beyond the initial week of shiva, most people tend to forget the female avel (mourner).  In fact, the only people to consistently remember that a woman is in mourning throughout the year is the woman herself, the person saying kaddish for her dearly departed on her behalf (assuming it’s a relative/friend and not a stranger paid to recite a random name off of a piece of paper), and her immediate family where her restrictions might affect them (such as her absence at a party).

Beyond people not remembering the female avel, others make sure to remind her that any halachos she is currently keeping are mainly minhagim easily erased through halachic loopholes.  If necessity dictates, a woman can pretty much find a leniency out of most of the obligations of mourning past shloshim.  Essentially, most of the few outward signs of mourning that a woman is obligated to perform can be “hetered away.”

However, after a major loss requiring a year of aveilus, many of us are not always up to taking advantage of the loopholes.  While life goes on, and chagim and simchas continue, there is still a sadness that remains.  Men have outward signs of grief and public acknowledgement that show respect for the loss they have suffered, even if they too have heters to wear new clothing or participate in simchas where their presence would be missed.  The difference is, that their grief is consistently acknowledged in synagogue.  Therefore, it is easier to feel that your personal tragedy isn’t being overlooked, even while spring is in the air, Purim is popping, babies are being born, and people are getting married.

I don’t think that women avelim are even aware of all the small kindnesses that male avelim are privy to.  Some Facebook comments enlightened me to the world of the male avel in synagogue, even beyond the saying of the mourner’s kaddish.  On a Friday night at shul during shiva, the congregation will offer words of nechama to a male mourner after kabbalas Shabbos.  During the year, when a man davens from the amud, other men come up afterwards to express their condolences and wish the departed’s neshama an aliyah.   Also, during the week, a minyan will stop and wait for a male mourner to put on his tefillin so that he doesn’t miss saying kaddish.   In other instances, the gabbai of a shul will come up to a man a week or so before an upcoming yahrtzeit and arrange for him to get an aliyah, say the haftorah, or have some other honor in remembrance of the occasion.  There is an acknowledgement of his loss.

Saying kaddish for the year is another way that many men connect to each other on a personal level.  Often, men end up in an informal “mourner’s club,” as they seek out minyanim that fit around their daily schedule.  After seeing the same faces every day, they get to know each other, even beyond the purpose of their common prayers.  Men can commiserate over their mutual losses and the difficulty of life without their loved ones.  They share stories about the trials and tribulations of finding a minyan to say kaddish during vacations or business trips.  Their efforts and struggles bring them closer together.  Many men say that the experience of saying kaddish is spiritually powerful.  Some men, after years of nonobservance, find the experience of saying kaddish so meaningful that they are brought back to religion.

Nothing unites female mourners in the same way.  In fact, unless a close friend or sister happens to be in mourning at the same time, we are often alone with our grief.  Sometimes it’s an unfortunate surprise to find out that another woman from the community is an avel at the same time we are.  Since there is no public acknowledgement past shloshim into the year of our loss, if we somehow missed the death announcement, there is no way for us to know (other than a haphazard mention from a mutual acquaintance) that a woman is an avel.  The year of aveilus, for a woman, is a lonely one.

Me wearing a wig and a scarf

I was listening to an interesting online radio show yesterday, called Beyond the Matrix.  The show, hosted by Ira Michaelson, is described as a “A hard hitting, no holds barred Radio Show dealing with Jewish Answers to Life and Faith.”  This particular episode features two women, Andrea Grinberg and Rivka Malka Perlman, who are advocates of hair covering with scarves.  The show begins around the 30 minute mark.  The featured guests co-own an online business selling beautiful headwraps, and travel the country giving demonstrations on how to tie their elaborate creations.  They also have many video tutorials of their wrapping techniques.

It was interesting listening to their perspectives about how head wraps bring a joy and spirituality that radiates from the wearer’s face.  While both ladies were careful not to denigrate women who choose to wear wigs, they made it clear that they feel that head scarves are the optimal way for a frum woman (or any woman who wants to cover her hair for spiritual reasons) to fulfill the mitzvah of hair covering.

The male radio show host told the audience that his own wife chooses to cover her hair with scarves, and that he thinks that women who wear scarves are much more approachable than women who wear wigs.  He felt that there is a certain sense of superiority that women in wigs have – their wig implies they feel more religious than women who cover their hair with scarves or hats.

As a woman who wears every type of hair covering, I kind of had to chuckle at all this.  Sometimes a head covering is just a head covering.  There is no judgment behind it, it is simply part of “the outfit of the day.” I’m not saying this is the case for every woman.  As was apparent through the radio show guests, some women (some in partnership with their husbands) deliberately choose the type of hair covering they will and will not wear.  However, for many of us, there is nothing sinister or judgmental behind our choices.

I found it interesting that one of the women, upon moving to Chicago, was told by a frum Chicago native that she needed to wear a wig if she wanted to fit in.  I’ve lived in the Chicago frum community for over 20 years, and while there are some die hard wig wearers, and many women own wigs, you will see every type of hair covering worn in our community.  Some women purposely never wear wigs, because they don’t feel it fulfills the mitzvah in an obvious way.  Scarves and hats are not at all unusual, and I would never think to tell someone moving to Chicago that wearing a wig is a requirement here.

I think there are a lot of generalizations made about women who wear one type of head covering or another.  Listening to the show, it seems that women who wear scarves are considered more open and friendly – they aren’t afraid to look different or be questioned about their hair covering practices.  Also, women who wear scarves think of themselves regally, as queens adorned with a crown, visible to all those who see her.  Women in wigs are thought to be more stand-offish and private – wishing to blend in so that people don’t know they cover their hair, and therefore, won’t have to answer questions about why they do it.

When a woman wears a scarf, it can be an automatic “teaching moment” useful for kiruv purposes, as it opens the door for further conversation.  Also, wearing a scarf can be empowering, especially in today’s environment that seeks to subdue the appearance and presence of women.  No woman wearing colorful headscarf creations can stay ignored or unseen.  Headwrapping is definitely attention grabbing.  As such, wearing colorful head wraps can possibly be seen as a feminist adornment – women can adhere to halacha, yet still stand out in a powerful way.  Scarf wearing encourages women to be seen, to speak and teach about hair covering and the reason behind it, and express themselves artistically through the observance of the mitzvah of kisui rosh.

This discussion interested me, because I wore a scarf to our Purim seudah this year, and my grandmother remarked how much she liked it.  She feels that my face is hidden when I wear my wig, and when I wear a scarf, it is more open.  Coincidentally, her comments were exactly in synch with the radio show host and guests.  Although these amazing women aren’t going to get me to give up my wig (I gotta have my “hair” sometimes), through their creativity and warmth, they are an inspiration to wear more scarves.

It’s nice to see women who embrace the mitzvah of hair covering with such enthusiasm, and motivate others to feel positive about it as well.  That being said, I am no more “open” or “stand-offish” when wearing a scarf than when wearing a wig.  I am the same person regardless of my head covering; the only difference is the way people judge me based on what type I’m wearing.

Several years ago I read a post by a blogger who goes by the name, Mystery Woman, that touched me deeply.  She describes finding out from her 2nd grade son that his rebbe had repeatedly slapped him in the face.  Her account is very sad, and unfortunately typical, of the disciplinary tactics used in some orthodox Jewish day schools.  Some might call it old school, many of us call it abuse.

Mystery Woman was fortunate to have found out what happened from her son, and she went to speak to the principal.  When the principal confronted the rebbe about the incident, he lied and said another child had hit her son.  While the matter was dropped, the son and mother knew the rebbe had lied.  However, the rebbe also knew that Mystery Woman was onto him, and he never hit her son again – although he continued to teach at the school with no repercussions.

Mystery Woman’s son developed a mistrust for rabbeim, and never forgave the teacher.  He was haunted by the experience and the rebbe’s outright lie about what happened.  Ten years later, her younger son was talking excitedly about starting yeshiva.  The only thing he was nervous about was his rebbe.  He heard that when the boys misbehaved “he hurts.”  No longer a young and meek mother, Mystery Woman promised not to tolerate abuse from her child’s teacher.  Her post ends in an unsent letter to her younger son’s new rebbe -

“To my little boy’s Rebbe:

Look at my son in the classroom when you teach him. Look into his eyes and see how hard he tries…how eager he is to please. See how your disappointment in him…your frustration…reaches into his soul and breaks his heart. See how it hardens into the foundation of his character.

I see it. I see it all. And I am angry every time I watch his self esteem crumbling.

Do you know how sweet he is…my son?

If you looked into his eyes, would you hurt him? If you loved him, would you?

Is it worth a life? A future?

I don’t ask you to love my son as I do. But please….look into his eyes. While your expectations may not change, the way you respond to him might.

Take care of my little boy.“

As the mother of a 2nd grade boy who is trusting, loving, and wanting to please the adults in his life, my heart and soul would be shattered into a million tiny shards if I ever found out he was being physically abused and humiliated in school.  Although this is not my son, not my school, and not my community, my heart shattered into a million tiny shards upon seeing this video posted to an anti-abuse Facebook group today.  This incident apparently happened 6 years ago in New Square.

To see a poor child cowering at the hands of his rebbe and his fellow classmates, who are horrified and helpless to intervene, is absolutely heartbreaking.  This man should not be allowed to teach children.  Sadly, abuse like this continues unreported every day.  School should be a safe haven of learning and support, not a place of fear and trauma.

For those of you who wonder what becomes of a boy who suffers such pain and torment at the hands of a religious mentor and educator – this might help to answer that question:

What can we do to make sure that no Jewish child suffers as these poor children have? One possible solution is to arm our kids with cell phones that have video cameras.  This New Square classroom abuse and the Camp Dora Golding abuse have one thing in common – in both instances kids took video footage of the violence as it was happening.  The New Square video was recorded on a pen video recording device, a good option for those kids at schools that don’t permit cell phones.

Abusers who wouldn’t think to commit their crimes in front of other adults have no qualms about perpetrating abuse in front of other children.  They either think the kids will be too frightened to tell anyone, or if they do tell, they won’t be believed.  I think we need to teach our kids to hit the record button if they or their classmates experience these kinds of assaults.  Grown-ups aren’t saving them, so maybe video evidence is the weapon they can use to save themselves.

This post from 2008 was one of the few controversial posts I ever wrote on Little Frumhouse on the Prairie.  It’s the only post that a few people actually asked me to take down, unlike on Kol B’Isha Erva, where quite a few people have taken offense to my posts to the point where one or two have insisted that I delete this entire blog altogether.

I wrote a fictional account of a shooting in a Jewish day school, asking people not to assume that our own schools are immune to the violence happening in public schools.  In light of the recent video of a chasidic boy being beaten by his rebbe, I think that this post has relevance for today.  Little boys grow into big boys.  Violence begets violence.  If we think that the abuse our young people suffer at the hands of some reprehensible adults won’t have devastating repercussions, we are sadly mistaken.

Allowing abuse to continue unabated and unacknowledged and unprosecuted is like sitting on a ticking time bomb.  Everyone has their breaking point, and some victims who are stifled might find themselves unable to contain their pain without justice or appropriate therapy.  A lot of innocent people could become casualties in the name of revenge against one particular perpetrator or institution.

Will We Continue To Close Our Eyes To Recent History?

The scene was one of shock and horror at the campus of an all boy’s high school located in a densely populated orthodox Jewish neighborhood. Teenage boys who, just yesterday, would have scoffed at the idea of ever letting their classmates see them cry, were now openly weeping and sobbing into their hands on the stone steps of Yeshiva Koach along with teachers, family, and friends. 12 boys dead and 24 injured, gunned down by a classmate who then took his own life.

“My best friend was shot in the back. I saw him go down in front of my eyes!” a teary eyed sophomore said.

“He hit my cousin twice. There was blood everywhere.”

“I dove under the table. I heard noises like firecrackers and thought someone was playing a prank.”

While Rabbi Kagan, the principal of Yeshiva Koach, admits that Yanky Bloomfield, the junior student responsible for the massacre, was a bit of a loner, he claims there was never any indication that he would harm himself or anyone else.

Bloomfield’s friend Yoel (his parents requested we keep his last name confidential), a sophomore at another high school a few miles away, said that he had no idea that Yanky was planning the shooting. The locations of his rampage were fairly specific. Bloomfield first opened fire on his homeroom class, then the school library, and finally he finished his deadly spree in the school’s lunchroom.

Yoel said, “I knew Yanky was unhappy with school. For some reason, he never fit in with the other students. He was kind of shunned by them and I told him he should come to my Yeshiva. His parents didn’t want him switching schools because his other brothers had gone to Yeshiva Koach and the hashkafa (spiritual atmosphere) was more in line with their beliefs and customs.”

Yoel said that Bloomfield was growing increasingly disenchanted with his orthodox peers and teachers. “How can they sit and teach us platitudes about how to treat your fellow Jew, when kids like me get treated like dirt every day.”

Although Bloomfield’s first name was Yanky, many of his classmates called him Harry. Yoel said that “Harry” is a word used by the Yeshiva students to describe a nerd or someone who doesn’t fit in. Yanky became obsessed with an online discussion group for disenfranchised orthodox Jews – many of whom dropped out of the Yeshiva system. He read books that profiled ex-orthodox Jews who made new lives for themselves, apart from the orthodox communities and families in which they were raised.

Bloomfield and his classmates were subject to a rigorous schedule consisting of a full day of prayer, secular, and religious studies that could last from 7am until 10pm on some nights. The only breaks permitted in their schedule are Saturdays, the Jewish Sabbath, and certain Jewish holidays which they are permitted to celebrate at home with their families. Bloomfield had told his friend Yoel that he could go entire days without anyone speaking to him except to tease him or give him funny looks.

Bloomfield’s family is sitting shiva, a Jewish mourning ritual that lasts for 7 days, and couldn’t be reached for comment.

Close relatives of Bloomfield’s family said that they are devastated by the shootings and their prayers go out to the victims and their families.

Yeshiva Koach reacted promptly. As soon as shots were heard, Rabbi Horowitz, a Freshman English teacher at the school, called the police from his cell phone.

“I was in the hallway walking to my class when I heard shots and screams coming from a classroom at the other end of the hall. I quickly ducked into the janitor’s closet and began dialing 911. I heard running footsteps pass by my door and I poked my head out. I didn’t see anyone – apparently that’s when Bloomfield ran for the library. I ran into the classroom where I’d heard the noises and saw a blood bath. It was a nightmare.”

No fewer than 42 phone calls were logged at the 911 Emergency Center coming from frantic Yeshiva teachers and students. The police were on the scene 2 minutes after the first call from Rabbi Horowitz. Minutes later backup police and emergency medical vehicles arrived. By the time the police reached the school, Bloomfield had already turned the gun on himself and the active danger was over. Many students were rushed to local emergency rooms and 12 others were pronounced dead at the scene.

Rabbi Kagan held an emergency student, teacher, and parent meeting last night. He spoke of how they must turn to G-d during this time of senseless tragedy for comfort. He drew a parallel between the 12 tribes of Israel and the 12 souls lost. He hoped the pain of this tragedy would hasten the redemption of the Jewish people.

The school is set to reopen tomorrow, 3 days after the incident. Rabbi Kagan assured parents that counselors were on call to comfort students and provide guidance. He also said that in the future, the Yeshiva will be working with The County Sheriff’s Office to conduct “active shooter training,” a drill simulating law enforcement response to a gunman loose on the school campus. Law-enforcement departments across the country have initiated similar forms of active shooter training following the Columbine High School massacre in 1999.

The mother of a student injured in the shooting spoke with us after the school meeting. Shaking her head and wiping back tears she said, “Surely G-d is sending us a message. Perhaps those 12 holy souls are meant to redeem us in the eyes of our creator. If only we could merit our redemption without such a terrible sacrifice.”

—————————————-

Thank G-d, this article has yet to be written. I was inspired to write this fictional look into the future by the latest shooting that happened at the DeKalb campus of Northern Illinois University. With all the attention our youth at risk are getting in the world of Jewish education, should we not be looking for active ways to prevent such horror from happening within the day school system? Do we think that such things can’t happen at a Jewish school? We thought we were above alcohol abuse, drugs, gambling, pornography – but all these things eventually trickle their way into our schools to some degree. Why do we think this trend of violence will not?

Fundamentalist Mormon sister wives

Despite Rabbeinu Gershom’s 11^th century ban on polygamy (although the Shulhan Aruch says the ban expired in the year 5000 (1240)), some men defy this societal no-no and continue to marry more than one woman simultaneously.  Most of these men obtain what is known as a heter meah rabbanim, where they have a document signed by 100 rabbis giving the man permission to remarry.  Most of these documents are bogus.  Additionally, in order to be given a heter meah rabbanim, the husband needs to give his first wife an unconditional get (bill of divorce that can only be issued by the husband).  It’s wife’s choice to accept it or not.

What winds up happening is that many men, who remarry with the heter meah rabbanim, do so with a conditional get.  Meaning, they leave a get for their first wife in escrow, which she can accept upon compliance with his terms.  Most of the time those terms involve paying the man exorbitant amounts of money and changing child custody arrangements (already determined by secular courts in the civil divorce proceedings) to his favor.

Predictably, most first wives are not going to accept such terms (many can’t afford to), even if complying with this type of blackmail will earn their freedom from a dead marriage.  This stalemate leaves the woman trapped.  In most cases, the civil divorce has been finalized.  However, for a religious Jewish woman, this means nothing in terms of her ability to remarry.  According to Jewish law, she is still married to her husband until she receives an unconditional get.

There are many unpublished stories of men who extort their wives for a get.  Women (or their families) who have the money are able to free themselves by giving into this type of extortion.  However, many women do not have the funds to give into such blackmail, and thus, are chained to a dead marriage.  The wives are unable to date or remarry without a get, while their husbands happily reenter the singles scene trolling for their next victims.

The question I have is why any woman would agree to marry a bigamist?  What woman in her right mind would marry a man who is refusing to give his first wife a get? After all, if he is withholding a get from his first wife, the next wife can bet that he’ll do it to her too if the marriage sours.  What happened to sisters before misters?

When a man marries and moves on with a new life before wrapping up his old one, he loses the incentive to issue a get.  As long as he is happy and in a new relationship, what does he care if his first wife is stuck living alone for the rest of her life?  However, if he also was prevented from dating and remarriage, it would be a sure fire incentive to give his first wife a religious divorce.

We women must stick together and not marry men who haven’t yet divorced their first wives.  That should be an uncompromising condition of marriage.  Unfortunately, when it comes to love, we women can be all kinds of stupid, and easily blinded by lies.  Who are we going to believe, him or our own eyes?  Often, the answer is him!  Yep, we are suckers for love.

Recently, there was a case in the news where a recalcitrant husband remarried in Vegas with the permission of a heter meah rabbanim.  His new wife is shown in all of her bridal glory, sparkly white gown and gauzy veil, the whole nine yards.  All to become his second wife.  To be fair, she is from Brazil, so perhaps there is a language barrier preventing her from understanding the real situation she has gotten herself into.

Here is a checklist of signs that the man you are marrying is already married –

1. After he proposes, he asks that you not tell anyone about your engagement right away.
2. He gives you engagement earrings instead of a ring.
3. The l’chaim takes place in an undisclosed location, and guests are required to leave cell phones and cameras at the door.
4. He asks that you keep your Facebook relationship status as “Single,” or at the very least, “It’s complicated.”
5. There is an angry mob on his front lawn demanding he give his first wife a divorce (he tells you they are merely a crowd protesting the Israeli draft of kollel students).
6. Your fiancée’s photo is in the news and he is being called a get refuser.
7. The first mesader kiddushin you approach to marry you says no.  The second mesader kiddushin you approach to marry you says no.  By the third rejection, he proposes you chuck it all and get hitched in Vegas.
8. There is an angry mob calling your fiancée a bigamist outside the Vegas wedding hall (he tells you it is the counter-protest of those supporting the Israeli draft law).
9. People don’t seem to be happy about your wedding.
10. His first wife and you wear matching wedding bands.

If any of the above scenarios have happened in your relationship, you just might be a Jewish sister wife.

She walked stiffly in her black patent flats with the wave of the crowd, mouth in a tight grimace, loose hairs blowing like party streamers from her pony tail. Her black wool Shabbos jacket was a stylish choice, but it didn’t do much to shield the cold wind from wrapping itself around her torso in an icy hug.

“Hurry up, Rena!” her friend Hildy called. “We need to get a good place to say tehillim.”

Rena smiled down into her collar as she picked up her pace. For Hildy, a good place meant one where she could spot her new choson, Mendy, who would be at men’s intersection on Fulton Street. They were both going to be at the Wall Street Atzeres Tefillah in protest of the Israeli military draft of haredi men.

Mendy and Hildy had agreed to both be as close to the Fulton street intersection as possible, so that they could make eye contact and see each other from a distance. They hadn’t been allowed to meet up since their vort last month, and they were supposed to stay apart until their wedding, which was coming up in a few weeks. However, thanks to WhatsApp, Hildy and her choson had been communicating regularly without their parents’ knowledge or interference.

Hildy and Mendy weren’t the only couple arranging meetings at the Wall Street rally. WhatsApp had been buzzing in the days leading up to the protest with networking plans. It wasn’t often that a gathering of this size was organized. Although the protest was for a serious cause, there was as much excitement and anticipation for the event as there would have been for any large celebration. People furiously texted meeting times and places to their friends, business connections, and even romantic interests. Knowing that the majority of the haredi world in New York would be present at the rally was a heady feeling.

Rena was definitely caught up in the thrill of the moment. Her reason for showing up to the Atzeres was, on the surface, to accompany Hildy in her effort to see Mendy. Secretly, however, she was hoping that Mendy’s chavrusa, Saul, would be there. Rena first met Saul at Hildy’s vort. Well, “met” might be too strong a term. Rena wasn’t formerly introduced to any of the young men at the engagement party, but as one of Mendy’s best friends, Saul gave a dvar Torah to the entire party in honor of his friend’s upcoming marriage. Saul was tall and well built. He had thick black hair, a fair complexion, and deep blue eyes.

His eyes…those eyes reminded her of a poem she had read once at the library. It was called, “Lapis Lazuli,” by a non Jewish man named William Butler Yeats. Art and poetry had little meaning in Rena’s world. It was pure foolishness to waste time reading about goyishe make believe. That’s why Rena would hide in a little library carrel and hunker down to read behind its low walls. Even if the world was crumbling around her, Rena still found meaning in art and beauty, and in Saul’s lapis lazuli blue eyes.

Rena and Hildy made their way to the front of a large crowd of women. While there were a few mothers and children, most of the group rifling through pages of small handheld tehillim, were young fresh-out-of-seminary girls like themselves. They passed a few revelers taking selfie photos in front of the crowd.

“Can you believe her?” Hildy hissed. “What do you think Elka’s mother would say if she saw her taking a picture like that in front of all these people?”

As the girls passed Elka, who by now had put her phone away, they both called out brightly, “Hi!” Elka waved gaily back with a big smile.

A moment later, Rena felt her phone buzz in her coat pocket. With frozen hands, she fished out the device and found a WhatsApp notification. Opening it, she saw a smiling photo of Elka standing in front of tall buildings, her windswept hair blowing out attractively behind her. Rena briefly wondered if she should do her own impromptu photo shoot. Would she send the picture to Saul? The thought was ridiculous.

Saul was otherworldly. His bright eyes saw beyond what was in this world, and into the giddying heights of the world to come. Rena knew this from the way he gave over his dvar Torah at the vort. She had never witnessed a young man who spoke with such sincerity and depth. Most kollel guys sounded like they were giving over their bar mitzvah speech. There didn’t seem to be much maturity or growth since their teen years. Saul was an illui. There was no doubt in Rena’s mind. Saul would go on to do great things, and any woman who married him would be swept along with him toward that greatness.

Rena desperately wanted to be that woman, but she knew that a top bochur like Saul would never notice her. More importantly, no shadchan would ever think that she would be a suitable match for a guy like Saul. Saul needed a rich girl to support him through his years of intense Torah study. Along with money, often came beauty. Anyone can buy beauty for the right price. A poor girl, who is plain, usually must remain so.

Rena was a good girl. She always got decent grades, was well liked by teachers and peers, and she presented a tidy and pleasing image. However, Rena was a plain Jane. She came from a modest family with five siblings, a stay at home mom, and a father who worked for a local catering company. They were a perfectly lovely and respectable family, but not a family who could secure the next gadol hador in marriage for their daughter.

“Rena, Rena!! Look over there!” Hildy pointed excitedly to the sea of men on the other side of the street intersection. Rena struggled to recognize a familiar face in the sea of black hats, black coats, black pants, and black shoes.

“No, not there!” Hildy nudged Rena’s shoulder with her own. “Over there. See, it’s him!” Hildy’s curly blonde head leaned out past Rena toward Mendy. Rena caught a whiff of strawberry shampoo as the wind blew locks of Hildy’s hair toward Rena’s mouth.

Picking Hildy’s hair off of her wind chapped lips, Rena craned her neck to see if Saul was next to Mendy. A tall man was standing next to the shorter Mendy, but she couldn’t see his face. Mendy suddenly spotted the waving Hildy, and a broad smile filled his face. He didn’t wave back, as that would be unseemly in front of his kollel comrades, but his look said how pleased he was to see Hildy.

“We did it! I can’t believe we pulled it off, Rena!” Hildy gushed with a mischievous look in her eyes. “If my mother knew about this, she’d kill me!” Hildy smiled at the thought of what her mother would say about this clandestine meeting.

Suddenly, the tall man next to Mendy turned around. It was Saul! Rena felt short of breath. Saul turned his attention in the direction of Mendy’s gaze. He bent down slightly to say something to Mendy, and then returned his look back to the important rabbis sitting in the front of the crowd. Saul closed his eyes and began shuckling and mouthing words in time with thousands of other voices intoning prayers. Mendy gave one last look at Hildy, and then followed Saul’s lead, an invisible mechitza crashing down between him and his kallah in the middle of downtown New York.

“Ok, let’s go!” Hildy announced. “I’m freezing!”

“That’s it?” Rena asked. “We came all this way so you could stare at each other for 30 seconds?”

“What did you expect? That we would meet up afterward for coffee? Don’t be silly. I got what I came for.” Hildy laughed.

Rena hustled behind Hildy, trying not to let disappointment overtake her. Saul hadn’t even made eye contact with her. She didn’t exist for him, and therefore, she didn’t want to exist at all. It was hopeless. The only way that she would ever get a proper introduction to Saul was through a shadchan, and no shadchan would ever set the two of them up together. Rena felt tears forming in the corners of her eyes, and she angrily wiped them away with a gloved hand.

“What’s wrong?” Hildy asked, as the two bumped into foot traffic near the Porta Potty stations.

“I don’t feel so good. Would you mind stopping here for a second? I need to use the bathroom.” Rena said.

“Can’t you wait twenty minutes? These outdoor bathrooms are so gross!” Hildy made a face.

“Ladies, step this way please. Are you getting in line?” A young man with an orange vest, kippah, and blonde beard was organizing the flow of traffic in two directions. One led to the Porta Potties and the other to the main thoroughfare away from the protest.

Hildy tried to drag Rena in the direction of the exiting crowd, but Rena paused.

“Hey, hey!” the young man called to a few teenagers pushing their way through the herd of people. “Walk like a mentch! There are women and children here!”

The man took a walkie-talkie out of a holster around his waist and pressed the button. “Shimmy? ” the walkie-talkie emitted static. “It’s Peretz..can you send over some more guys? People are starting to leave and the crowd’s getting heavy over here!”

Peretz looked at the girls, “So which way can I direct you, ladies? I’ll lead the way through these people if you need to use the facilities.” Something about the way the girl with the dark ponytail looked made him feel uneasy, as if she were about to faint.

“Rena, what will it be? I’ll wait for you if you really need to go.” Hildy said, trying to be nice even though all she wanted to do was beat the crowd to the bus going back home.

Rena shifted from one foot to the other uneasily. Being addressed by Peretz had surprised her out of her tears. She thought she was recovered enough from her disappointment to hold it together on the bus ride home.

“I’m good, really.” Rena said to Hildy and Peretz. “Let’s just head to the bus.”

Peretz used his broad frame to shield the girls from the oncoming crowd and lead them to an opening on the street that led away from the rally’s epicenter. “Stay safe!” he called, as the girls scurried away.

Turning back to the Porta Potties, he encountered a commotion as people gathered around one of the units. Someone had accidentally gotten locked inside a Porta Potty and an expanding group of protesters were rattling the door trying to free the prisoner.

“Shimmy! I need some help!” Peretz said into his walkie-talkie once more.

Later that night, Rena sat in her room thinking about the day. Hildy had been over the moon about seeing Mendy. They spent the bus ride home talking about Hildy’s wedding plans and the shopping trips to Boro Park to set up her new apartment. Rena felt honored that she had been asked to accompany Hildy to help her make choices in china patterns, silverware, linens, and other household essentials. The only thing that would make the experience sweeter was if she were also getting married and making purchases for her own “bayis neeman b’yisroel.”

“Stop it!” Rena thought. “No use in torturing myself by wishful thinking.”

She thumbed through her phone, looking at photo updates from the rally posted by her friends. If only there was a way that she could reach out to Saul indirectly. Maybe he did see her at the Atzeres, but he couldn’t acknowledge her due to modesty? Maybe Saul and she weren’t so different? She could tell that he was a deep person, with more beneath the surface than was apparent. Could it be that he felt the same way that she did?

She opened up the Craigslist app that she had downloaded with Hildy as a joke. The two of them had laughed and gasped at the crazy personal ads people placed there. Frum Jews, seeking the most inappropriate relationships. Hildy thought the ads were all fake. She said they were posted by anti-Semites who wanted to make Jews look bad. At first, Rena had agreed, but after awhile, she wondered if the people who wrote those ads might be real – sad and misguided – but real.

Rena saw a section for “Missed Connections.” Saul and she were certainly a missed connection.

“I wouldn’t dare.” thought Rena. “Would I?”

Rena sat at her desk and started composing her advertisement –

“I saw you in the crowd near Fulton Street. You looked so into the prayers, tehillim, so sincere. You were different from the others somehow, although to other eyes, you blended seamlessly into the sea of white and black. Brilliant blue eyes, long dark payos, tall – you didn’t notice me, I’m sure. I also don’t stand out in a crowd unless you are really looking. I too blend into the masses – dark wool coat, black flats, sensible skirt, black hair pulled into a ponytail. I’m nothing special on the outside, but on the inside I lead a colorful existence – one which I would love to share with you. If you look closely, you will see that my eyes hold a world of possibilities.”

After she gave her confirmation to publish her ad, Rena sat back and considered what she had done. While she felt slightly ashamed, she also held onto the hope that somehow, her words would reach out to Saul and he would see them. She imagined getting a response from him confirming his mutual feelings. Anticipating what the morning could bring, Rena put her phone on her nightstand, turned out the light, and said Shema.

The next morning, Rena held herself back from checking her email upon awakening. After she was dressed, she permitted herself to check. Nothing. No response. Rena checked the Craigslist website to make sure her ad appeared in Missed Connections. It was there.

Rena walked over to her mirror and looked into her reddening eyes. “Stupid, stupid, girl! Did you actually think a tzaddik like Saul would be trolling the depths of pritzus on a site like that! Do you think he would marry a girl who would post an ad on there? Everyone is right not to match you up with a quality boy like that! You don’t deserve anyone like him!”

Rena grabbed her phone and deleted the ad, vowing to give up all social media. She threw the phone onto her unmade bed in disgust and slammed the door as she left her room.

Meanwhile, a new email appeared in Rena’s account. It read,

“Hello. I’m not the guy that you’re probably looking for…but I was also in the Atzeres. I know your ad wasn’t meant for me because I was not from the crowd, but was working security in the orange jacket.  I figured I would try to respond, as I am also someone that doesn’t stand out, but as you put it “I do have a very colorful inside.”  Maybe you would find it in your heart to give me a chance?”

photo by AFP/Getty images

Once upon a time there was a community. In this community everyone wore the same uniform. It was easier that way. The men all wore black suits, white shirts, black hats, and black shoes. The women all wore black skirts, black shirts, shoulder length wigs, and black rubber-bottomed flat shoes. The clothing stores in the community were only allowed to sell these kinds of uniforms. The stores were also only allowed to sell certain sizes. People couldn’t get too fat or too skinny, or the stores wouldn’t have their size. This encouraged everyone to maintain a figure that was similar to everyone else’s. Those who couldn’t keep to the size regulations had to wear ill fitting uniforms and felt ashamed. This encouraged them to diet or gain weight as necessary in order to conform. It was a good system.

In this community, the ladies and gentleman kept apart from each other. They shopped in stores during different hours, they sat separated by a tall partition during religious services, they sat separately on public buses, they went to separate schools, they worked in separate establishments, and in some places, they even walked on separate sides of the street. Men and women unrelated to each other were not allowed to speak unless it was necessary. No physical contact, like a handshake, was permitted under any circumstances. Boys and girls past the age of three were not permitted to play together. This fostered close friendships between those of the same gender, and made it so that the two different sexes only intermingled for purposes of procreation. This system eliminated a lot of unnecessary drama and trauma that occured in societies where the two sexes mingled freely. It was a good system.

In this community, access to information from other communities was not allowed. Citizens were not allowed to read books, magazines, or newspapers from other communities. They were not allowed to own television sets or watch movies. The people were not allowed to go to the theater, visit an art museum, attend an opera, or listen to music created outside the community. People were not allowed to own computers unless it was absolutely necessary for work. They certainly could not have access to the internet. In the same vein, citizens were not allowed to own a smart phone that would provide access to the internet. Eschewing contact with the outside world made the citizens feel like they were the epicenter of the universe. They were unaware that there were other people out there with innovative ideas, different visions of the world, or new ways of creating societies. Because they were unaware of different possibilities, the people were happy and content with their community. It was a good system.

One day, the elders of the community gathered together. There was a problem. Some of the people had been communicating with the outside world. They had disregarded the decrees about internet usage, books, television, and movies. They had smuggled televisions into their homes disguised as microwave ovens.  They had been infected with foreign ideas and, like a virus, new ideals and desires were contaminating the community. Curiosity was spreading like a plague and the elders were helpless to eradicate the foul disease. Furthermore, there were some women who were secretly violating the uniform standards.  They were wearing colors, long wigs, fancy glasses, and shoes with heels that made noise.  The elders saw that it was not good.

There was only one solution. They would hold a town meeting and let citizens know that anyone who continued to defy the orders of the elders would be ostracized from their society. Since people weren’t listening to the elders, the elders would turn over rule enforcement to the schools. Anyone who didn’t attend the town meeting would have their children expelled from school. Anyone who didn’t wear the community uniform or continued to communicate with the outside world would have their children expelled from school. Anyone who had their children expelled from school would be effectively banished from the community. The schools would now decide who deserved to stay in the community and who did not, relieving the elders of the burden and the blame. It was a good system.

Dear God,

There’s a question that’s been bothering me lately. I’ve tried to work it out on my own, but I haven’t been having much luck. I was hoping that maybe I could run it past you and get some feedback. How can I put this? How do I know which side to believe in abuse allegations as a community bystander reading about the allegations in the news?

As a Jew, as a mother, and as a person who attempts to lead an ethical life, hearing or reading about abuse committed against children or adults in my community hurts. It prompts an immediate visceral reaction of disgust, indignance, and rage. Any good person would feel enraged upon hearing about the molestation of trusting children or the exploitation of adults seeking help from respected community leaders, only to be taken advantage of in the most abhorrent ways imaginable.

In the past, we have silenced victims of abuse. It was seen as a necessary evil to sacrifice justice for the few, in order to protect the image of the whole. To publicize abuse perpetrated by frum people would be a chillul, well, You. People outside of the Jewish community would use these stories, were they to be made public, to fuel existing anti-Semitism. People inside of the community might be so disheartened by stories of abuse that they would go off the derech. It was best to keep such abuse quiet.

If, after review by community rabbis, such allegations were found to have merit, the abuser would be sent away without explanation, free to start a fresh life in another community, and would hopefully have learned their lesson. The victims, free of having to bump into the abuser on the street, could go on with their lives and hopefully put their past behind them. Of course, we know now from hard experience that situations of abuse can’t be resolved in such a tidy manner. Abusers often go on to reoffend, and victims live with the scars of their abuse for a lifetime.

When it comes to publicizing cases of confirmed abuse, loshon horah or chillul You, should not be a factor in warning people. In cases of abuse, refraining from warning people about perpetrators is aiding and abetting the abuser. Keeping silent about an abuser’s crimes is allowing them to continue to harm people. So that brings me back to my original question. When I hear about an alleged case of abuse online or offline, what should my response be?

Do I go into “Activist Warrior Mode,” and start spreading the story as far and wide as I can to warn people about the monster? Do I pause, reflect, and wait until more facts come out about the case before believing the accusations and doing anything to act upon them? Where does dan lachaf zchus fit into abuse allegations?

People make their decision about whom to bestow their dan lachaf zchus upon based on lots of factors. For some, the benefit of the doubt is given to the accused, and the alleged victim is vilified as an unstable liar or bitter person making the accusations out of revenge. For others, the victim is automatically believed. In some cases, this is due to the evidence presented. In other cases, it’s because abuse is a hot topic issue and there are activists anxious to get their name in the press for personal fame and gain as promoters of justice.

The only thing that seems true on both sides of the controversy is that abuse can kill and false accusations of abuse can kill. If one were to do a tally count of bodies on both sides of the equation, I’m sure the number of fatalities on the side of those who were abused would be higher than that of those who have been falsely accused. I have heard many times that there are very few cases of false abuse accusations. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and all that jazz. This could be true, I have no statistics to prove that theory, but even so, if one life is lost because of faulty vilification, don’t we have the responsibility to be very careful about publicly condemning someone before verifying the facts?

These are weighty matters, with life and death hanging in the balance. Even if a victim or falsely accused abuser doesn’t actually commit suicide, there is such a thing as a living death. Zombies are real. People who have had the life and heart sucked out of them, while the community who was supposed to protect them stood idly by and did nothing.

The term “community” protects each and every one of us as individuals from having to take action. “The community did nothing.” Who is this “community” we speak of? Rabbis? Schools? Organizational board members? Volunteer emergency workers? Our neighbors? Anyone else but us? Where does community responsibility end and personal responsibility begin? We’ve sought emunas chachamim in the past over these issues, and things have gone terribly wrong. So once again, God, how do I know who to believe? I really want to stand up and do what’s right. But, how do I know what that is?

Faithfully yours,

Sharon

#5  Kinder Matzot – It’s either made for kids, or made from kids, not sure which….Hat Tip R.R.

#4  I’m so frum, even my dog keeps Pesach

#3 Kosher for Pesach Cigarettes – It’s kosher to smoke on Pesach, as long as you don’t inhale chometz!

#2 A kosher smile!  Have you kashered your teeth for Pesach yet?

Step 1- Don’t eat 24 hours prior to kashering.

Step 2 – Scrub teeth with a Brillo Pad.

Step 3 – Brush teeth with Kosher L’Pesach toothpaste.

Step 4 – Go over each tooth with a blow torch.

Step 5 – Rinse mouth with boiling water.

Congratulations! Your teeth are now Kosher L’Pesach!

Photo Hat Tip @TheFrimer

#1 And finally – Kosher L’Pesach plungers!  Are your toilet plungers kosher L’Pesach? Here’s the deal, of course we all scrub our toilets before Pesach. However, most if us don’t remember about changing over our plungers. What do we eat all year? Chametz. What do we poop all year? Chametz! Therefore, our plungers are chametz. This has been a public service announcement. Photo hat tip Jaq Benimble

I received an informative and interesting email response to my post, Dear God, from a gentleman named Benny Forer. Benny Forer is a Deputy District Attorney in the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s office and an Orthodox Jew. He is also an advocate against child abuse in the Orthodox Jewish community. I asked for his permission to post his response on my blog, and he graciously agreed.

Benny Forer – Deputy District Attorney, Los Angeles County

There are litmus tests in life that often indicate the truthfulness of certain situations. We subconsciously utilize these things to enable us to make decisions daily.

For example, everyone likes to say the (Nechemya) Weberman case was a he said/she said situation, so how can a jury convict? I always use the example of a child. If a member of your shul walked up to you and told you they saw your child hitting another child, and when questioned, your child says it’s not true, it never happened – who would you believe? Would you say it’s a he said/she said, and therefore, no one can be believed? Situations, biases, etc. matter.

We have freedom of speech laws, but that doesn’t give free reign to severely libel someone publicly. Furthermore, most of those “libeled” have their very business severely harmed. Yet, we never see any of the “falsely accused” predators taking the libeler to court or beis din. They never do anything to clear their names. They simply deny any and all allegations. That’s a very good litmus test of truth. If someone posted that I was a child molester, you can be sure that I’d immediately file a lawsuit, ask for a temporary restraining order to take down the site and do everything in my power to hold the lying disseminator responsible. Yet, we never see predators or their families doing this.

I often get told that a (now defunct) Jewish Community Watch’s post isn’t true and that Meyer Seewald is a bastard. I always tell these people that they should do some real tzedakka and give a ton of money to the accused predator to help him clear his name. No one ever takes me up on the offer. The real reason? They know he’s guilty; they’re just upset at the exposure, and aren’t offended by his guilt.

I’ve always avoided the “where there’s smoke, there’s fire” analogy. I’m a prosecutor, and in addition to prosecuting thousands of cases, I’ve also rejected and dismissed many cases. I know that overwhelmingly, those cases were dismissed due to procedural error or insufficient evidence, not because of “innocence.” Nevertheless, I always begin my analysis with “the person is innocent.” Thus, I really dislike the analogy. Having said that, I do utilize various common-sensical rules at my disposal to evaluate a case or an incident.

The primary dilemma with sex-abuse exposures is keeping the anonymity of the victims. Because of the effort to protect the victims by not revealing data on them, the predator’s defenders get to make many claims. The problem with revealing the victim, is that it would notify these supporters whom to harass. We don’t notify, and certainly the predator won’t notify–because telling his supporters the identity of the victim, is admitting guilt. Obviously, this is something they don’t want to do. Moreover, since I’m aware that most predators have many victims, the few that do come forward are usually not the only ones. Thus, a notification might prevent other victims from going public; especially if they see that coming forward means bullying, blackmailing, or a compromise to their safety.

In most cases of “allegations” that I’m aware of, at some point, information regarding the person’s guilt will come out. I’ve been confronted by people supporting almost every predator on JCW’s wall. A simple Google search on 90% of them will reveal the truth. Whether it’s a conviction, an arrest, or whether the victim chose to publicize their story in the media. Regardless, in every case I’ve ever been involved with, I’ve been told that the crime is a mistake/misunderstanding/false/etc.

In our internet history, there is one single case where the person sort of exonerated himself – Rabbi Glick in Australia. A) The allegations were too outlandish to be true, B) He confronted those allegations head on, C) He sued those that made allegations against him. These are indicators of a false allegation as opposed to the remainder, which all have indicia of truthfulness.

Best regards,

Benny Forer