My son comes running upstairs and shouts to me through the bathroom door.
“Mom, there’s a rabbi downstairs!”
Another unsolicited meshulach has come to pay an evening visit.
“Tell him that Abba isn’t home right now and he should come back later!” I call through the splattering of shower sprinkles.
“Ok!” he calls.
I hear blessed silence as he retreats back downstairs to pass along the message through the front door.
Alone with my thoughts in a haze of warm soapy mist, I return my focus to not getting nicked with the razor as I shave my legs. As the shaving cream slices away in white foamy strips, someone pounds on the door once again. My hand shakes at the noise, and I see the snowy cream at my ankle turn pink and then darken into a thin red rivulet that runs down the drain.
“Mom, he says he can’t come back later! He needs to see you now!”
My son is back, playing messenger between this unknown stranger and me.
“Just walk away from the door. You know we don’t open the door for strangers unless Abba is home to see who they are!” I answer.
“But, Mom, he’s waiting for you in the hallway!” says my son, sounding nervous. “What should I do?”
“Why did you open the door for him?” I cry, getting out of the shower and wrapping myself in a towel, shaving cream and blood congealing around my feet.
“We didn’t!” he says. “My friend was leaving the house and this rabbi was standing on the porch as we opened the door. He just came inside!”
“He shouldn’t have come inside without your parent’s permission! You should have told him to wait outside while you got your mother and closed the door.” I am hurriedly toweling off my hair and shoving my arms into a terry cloth robe.
As I come out of the bathroom in a cloud of heat and mango scented bubbles, my daughter comes upstairs.
“He left. I told him that you couldn’t come to the door and that he should come back in an hour when my Dad gets home.” she says. “I locked the front door.”
My daughter and son begin to argue over who let the man in and whether or not there was any danger.
“It’s ok,” my son says. “He’s a rabbi! He’s not dangerous!”
Aarrgh! I can tell it’s time for another family meeting, where we discuss how appearances can be deceptive. Another talk about how most predators are people who are familiar. Most child molesters and rapists are either people who we know or people who look like they belong to our community. Just because someone is dressed like a religious person, doesn’t mean that they are safe.
It’s a precarious balance between warning your kids of the potential danger to be hurt by people in their community and not creating unnecessary fear and mistrust toward the adults in their lives. It’s an ongoing conversation that must be reinforced with varying intensity, as I have discovered with my own kids. Stranger danger is a much more straightforward talk. It’s not as straightforward to talk to kids about what to do if a trusted friend, family member, community representative, or teacher behaves inappropriately.
I recently received a book from Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, entitled, Let’s Stay Safe. It is part of Project Yes, an organization that seeks to prevent children and teens from becoming disenfranchised from their families and communities. Rabbi Horowitz is an activist who works to prevent child abuse, as well as seek justice and healing for those who have fallen victim to abusers. Let’s Stay Safe is great discussion starter for young readers that addresses a myriad of safety issues concerning children.
My personal story above illustrates that we’re not always going to get it right. Circumstances can arise that haven’t been accounted for. It’s a good idea to role play and brainstorm about possible scenarios that could pose a potential threat. It’s also important not to get too agitated after you or children handled a potential safety threat inappropriately. I want my kids to feel that they can be honest with me about what happened, without getting read the riot act.
After that incident we did have another family meeting about how to handle unexpected visits from strangers and how not every man with a long beard, black hat, and black coat is a trusted rabbi. It’s unfortunate that this discussion even needs to happen, but wouldn’t it be even more unfortunate if a child’s life was ruined because we find it too awkward to engage in the conversation?
Below are some short videos from Rabbi Horowitz where he gives tips on how to talk to kids about safety. He brings up important points in a concise and easy to understand manner.
