Lately I’ve been asking myself a serious question – why do Orthodox women get married? I understand that women want long term monogamous relationships and children to satisfy physical, emotional, and maternal inclinations. However, given the pitfalls for women within the halachic legal institution of marriage, I am starting to question if the risks are worth it.
For example, there are those who argue against non-frum Jews having kosher weddings in order to avoid later problems with gittin and mamzeirut. However, these same issues also pose problems for frum Jews who have kosher weddings, so why not apply the same principle?
There are opinions that say a man and woman who live as a married couple, even without a legal Jewish wedding, are still considered halachically married. However, if a couple pointedly does not have a chuppah, does not marry in civil court, steadfastly don’t refer to each other as husband and wife, and consistently correct any misperception on the part of others that they are married, it would be difficult to say they are still married despite their diligent efforts to the contrary. No marriage, no get needed, no agunot, and no risk of future children with a new partner being classified as mamzerim.
Additionally, I have been wondering about the concept of a woman’s value being lowered halachically the moment she marries, while a man’s stays the same. Just as the value of a new car goes down the moment its new owner drives it off the lot, so the value of a woman goes down (ketubah-wise) the moment she loses her virginity. The man’s status remains unchanged – in fact no monetary value is put on his virginity or status as an unmarried or married man.
Likewise, if a woman gets divorced, this is a spiritual blemish upon her. Practically speaking, this blemish renders her unfit to marry a man who is in the priestly tribe of Kohen. A divorced man has no matching spiritual blemish that would make him unfit to marry certain women, including the daughter of a Kohen. The bottom line is that a woman’s halachic value is lowered as soon as she is married, which isn’t an issue if she remains married to her original husband, but comes into play if she divorces and wants to remarry.
While it’s true that a woman’s halachic monetary value is lowered and her ability to marry a Kohen affected even if she doesn’t marry, but enters into a sexual relationship with a man out of wedlock, at least she avoids the pitfalls of being an agunah or having her future children declared mamzerim if she decides to leave her partner and eventually enter into another relationship with a different man.
It seems as if some Orthodox women are living this new “single but attached” reality as much within the boundaries of halacha as such a relationship can manage. These frum single ladies aren’t necessarily avoiding marriage due to the possibility of a future messy divorce, but rather, because they haven’t found a man to marry. After a certain number of years of unsuccessful shidduch dating, there is only so long a girl can hold out for marriage.
Earlier this year, an article in The Forward by Hannah Katzman asked, “What Happens to Sexually Active Orthodox Singles?” The article describes the difficult conversations that are opening up between Jewish spiritual leaders and their constituents about premarital sex. While no Orthodox educator would encourage sex outside of marriage, it is becoming more difficult not to address this growing issue and pretend it’s not happening. Stories of tefillin dates (where the man brings his tefillin in anticipation of staying overnight at his date’s house) and single women keeping the laws of taharas hamishpacha and using the mikva have been swirling around for at least a decade. This is the orthodox singles version of kosher sex.
Practically speaking, the penalties for a single Jewish woman engaging in premarital sex with a Jewish man are no worse than the halachic and practical penalties for a married woman – even less so because she does not have the spiritual blemish of being divorced if the relationship ends, she has plausible deniability concerning her virginity since there were no kosher witnesses to her premarital activities (allowing her to enter into a future marriage with a clean slate as a “Besula” [virgin] and avoid being labelled a “Zonah” [harlot]), no risk that she will be legally chained against her will if she wants to leave the relationship, no risk of a husband dying with no children requiring chalitza with his brother, no risk of her future children being mamzerim, and no risk of being branded an adulteress.
Many car buyers who want the freedom to change it up every few years enjoy the benefits of leasing a car versus buying one. You can try out the model you think is best for you, and if you tire of it or realize it doesn’t live up to the hype, you can get out at the end of the term or utilize the option to buy if you like it. In marriage, men have the leasing option. Sure, they pay a penalty if they want to end the lease early, but it’s always an option and they can terminate the lease at will for any reason, and can select any new replacement model of their choosing. Women only have the buying option. Yes, buying a car affords stability and the ability to make changes and adjustments to the vehicle, but once it’s yours you’re stuck with it unless you willingly accept the depreciation costs to unload it, as the trade-in value has plummeted and no dealer will take the old car back in exchange for a brand new model even with a penalty fee.
