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Twenty years ago, when my grandmother A”H, heard that I was moving to an orthodox community, she said, “Be prepared for everyone to get into your business.” I had to smile at that, because my grandmother was one of the most gentle souls I have ever known, and not one to bad mouth any individual or community.
However, my grandma had been raised in a Jewish community in Russia, moved to another tight knit Jewish community on the west side of Chicago, and then moved again to the north side of Chicago next to a synagogue and quite a few orthodox neighbors. She knew what she was talking about. Despite living in a community that decries loshon horah or gossip of any kind, people around here sure seem to be well informed on the comings and goings of their brethren. Well, sort of.
It’s not that people are peeping out their window curtains with spy glasses, it’s just that when you live in homes and apartments that are in such close proximity to each other, you naturally bump into your neighbors quite often. Sometimes I think I have my exits and entries synchronized to my surrounding neighbors. It seems like whenever I go out to my car, or pull back up in front of my house, at least one or two other folks are pulling up beside me. If I ever think I can get away with quickly poking my uncovered head out the door to grab the morning paper, think again! Those pesky Lubavitch Mesivta bachorim are filing past my front lawn on their way to their morning mikvah dip.
I have had times when people’s assumptions have left me stumped. Like the time my neighbor asked me where my family went on our vacation. What vacation? “Oh, you know, the one you came back from last week?” Huh? “Yes, I saw your husband carrying suitcases out of your car!” After a minute, I realized that she must have been referring to my husband bringing home our son from yeshiva for the weekend.
There was also the doozy when someone called me with concern to say that she had heard my husband had bacterial meningitis. There was an unfortunate case of fatal meningitis in our community at that time. My husband had recently lost a good deal of weight, and somehow, some people translated his weight loss to mean that he was the next victim of this deadly disease in our community. Around that same time, someone else called to ask me if my husband had developed a brain tumor, as she knew someone with brain cancer who had also lost a lot of weight quickly. Refute, nod, and smile.
Most of the time, I have to laugh as the misinterpretations that happen when people only rely on quick glimpses to form opinions. However, sometimes these harmless mistakes in judgement can have more onerous results. When we stop having accidental sightings of our fellow Jews that may or may not be incriminating, and start forming squads to purposely spy on our community members, there can be devastating consequences.
I am referring to the much written about London Modesty Violation Hotline. As I don’t live in the Stamford Hill community in England, I can’t say if the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations claim is true – that the hotline has been created due to public demand. Maybe they are having some kind of major tznius crisis over there, with women walking down the lane in garments requiring double sided tape and jeggings with booty pad inserts.
My guess is that the women who live in the hotline’s targeted community are probably some of the most tzanua women in the orthodox world. I’m beginning to think the modesty stringencies won’t stop until every last orthodox Jewish woman is wearing a burqa.
Why is it not mesirah to inform upon your fellow Jew? Is it ok because the majority of tznius violations will inevitably be charged upon women? The Shmuz website had an interesting dvar torah for Parshas Shelach that relates to spying on your fellow Jews,
“The Chofetz Chaim points out to us that the Torah reserves a curse for one who “hits his neighbor while hiding.” Chazal explain that this refers to someone who speaks loshon harah about his friend. Why am I so cavalier about what I say about him? Because he isn’t here. If he were standing right nearby, I would never say what I said. I say it only because he isn’t around. And in that sense I am hitting him while hiding.”
The hotline creators, Va’ad L’Toihar Hamachneh (Committee for the Purity of the Camp), makes it clear that the privacy of the spy will be protected, even as the privacy of the accused’s won’t. This sort of behavior seems to be exactly what the Chofetz Chaim is describing. Where is the derech eretz in making snap judgements about people’s outer appearances or behaviors, and escalating the situation by calling a hotline of modesty enforcers?
Life experience has taught me that my judgement of others, and their judgement of me, is sometimes way off. Sometimes the faulty conclusions are funny, sometimes disturbing, but sometimes life altering. Even if the men running the hotline are only there to inform the perpetrator of the allegations and not issue a punishment, there will be repercussions for the woman being reported. She might be punished by her parents, her husband, or lose the respect of her children. Perhaps her eligibility for a shidduch will be diminished, her children’s enrollment at day school might be at risk, or her employment within the community threatened.
I have heard it said that Hashem judges each of us with the same compassion with which we judge others. I expect, upon entering Olam Haba in 120 years, these holy members of the Va’ad L’Toihar Hamachneh will be greeted by rows of angels manning phone banks and hearing, “Call on line two! Pick up line four please! There’s a call on line ten!”
