Dear Sharon,
I’ve been following your Facebook posts on the Rabbi Freundel saga. While I personally don’t think that a 6 ½ year sentence and $13,000 fine is enough punishment, I’m glad that his victims did get some form of justice.
I am writing to you because of the desire to speak up for Freundel’s victims concerning the crime of humiliation. Many of the articles and comments on Freundel’s crimes have people (mostly men) asking what the big deal is. They seem to be able to understand Freundel’s misuse of his title, the abuse of power, and yes, the perversion of his actions. Still, there seems to be the idea that being a “Peeping Tom” is a victimless crime, as long as the victim doesn’t know about it.
What I find odd, is that we live in an orthodox world that constantly bangs the tznius drum to an ever louder beat. It seems like every year, there are new lengths women must go to in order to wear proper and modest attire fit for frum society. When it comes to going to mikvah, we are told that this is a sacred women’s only space. When it is mikvah night, it’s even ok to lie about where we are going, in the name of tznius and privacy.
At every funeral I’ve ever been to for a frum lady, the highest and most frequent compliment given to the niftar is that she was a tzanua – a modest woman. Her chesed is a close second, but her dedication to tznius seems to be the main trait marking a worthy life for a frum woman.
Why then, is it so hard for people to understand the level of shame that has been brought down upon Freundel’s victims? Doesn’t it say in the Talmud that shaming someone is like shedding their blood? That it’s better to throw yourself in a furnace than embarrass another person?
People are saying that since he only intended to view these videos by himself, the crime isn’t as bad. However, in order to prosecute Freundel, countless law enforcement officials and lawyers had to look at the footage of the women Freundel taped. Many more eyes saw the videos than just Freundel’s.
But, let’s say that no one else had seen the videos other than Freundel, would the level of mortification be any less? A man that these women knew, trusted, turned to for spiritual guidance betraying them in this way?
Perhaps I am offended by how lightly some folks are taking the crime of humiliation, because I know what it’s like to be humiliated. A lot of women do, unfortunately. No, what happened to me, and what happens to many women isn’t a crime in the same sense as what Freundel did, but it happens all the time.
When a man wants to exert power or revenge over a woman, he often turns to sexual humiliation. All someone has to do is Google revenge pornography to find countless websites devoted to disgruntled ex-boyfriends posting compromising photos and videos of their ex-girlfriends. Do women post similar revenge videos of former boyfriends? I suppose it happens, but usually posting such things would humiliate the woman too, so she’s much less likely to advertise her former exploits. While a sex tape with an ex might be a feather in the man’s cap, it’s still a humiliation for the woman, even in today’s day of sexual freedom for both genders.
A lesser version of this kind of sexual humiliation is “locker room talk.” As long as a woman isn’t his wife (most men still feel that it’s off-limits to discuss a spouse in a sexual way), many men feel free to brag about their exploits with a girlfriend. While there may be no visual proof of their tales, many men paint pictures with words for their friends about their sexual activity with the lady. Many times, if a man is actively in a relationship with a woman, he will keep his private life private. Either his feelings for the woman keep him discreet, or he fears that if she finds out he’s been sharing their bedroom secrets she will break up with him.
However, once the relationship is over, discretion is often tossed out the window. One of the remaining pleasures he can enjoy from their time together is sharing raunchy stories with his friends, earning their audience and respect. While the man is raised in the esteem of his friends, the female subject of his exploits is lowered. It’s a win-win for the man.
Often the ex-girlfriend is unaware of the stories being spread about her. However, on occasion, some audience members with even less discretion than the original storyteller, will alert her to her new-found fame. This once happened to me, and I can tell you that I understood for the first time what it means to die from embarrassment.
I have never been the same since finding out that an old boyfriend had been spreading salacious tales about me, and in my circumstance, I had been a willing participant in the activities being spoken of. Although I made many mistakes in that relationship, the biggest one was in assuming discretion where there was none.
Freundel’s victims were unknowing and unwilling participants. Their victimization and mortification is exponentially worse than even the humiliation suffered by those like me, who had been consensually involved with the men who exposed us. There was no consent for Freundel’s victims.
People think that men like Freundel get off on seeing naked women, masturbating, or engaging in the sexual act itself. That isn’t true. Their sexual perversion manifests in getting off on humiliation. The turn on is in the control. The excitement is having power over a victim who doesn’t even realize she is being victimized. The payoff is having a woman, who if she knew what he was doing or saying about her would slap him in the face, smiling at him and wishing him a “Good Shabbos,” completely unaware that he has stripped and laid her bare for himself and others without her knowledge.
I guess I just want someone to know that, to a degree, I understand the humiliation that Freundel’s victims feel. A lot of women understand and have experienced sexual humiliation. It is a form of death, especially in a community where a woman’s greatest achievement in life is preserving her sexual modesty.
Signed,
A supporter for Freundel’s victims
