Last week my eighteen year old son accompanied me to drop something off at someone’s house who I didn’t know. I told him how nice it was to have a “bodyguard” to protect me from danger and that men took their safety for granted.
He looked at me sideways and said, “Well Mom, you don’t really have to worry about that anymore!”
Taken aback I said, “Because beyond 40 women become asexual in appearance?!”
Trying to recover he stammered, “No, no! I meant because you’re married!”
To me, his reaction only proves my previous point that women should be released from the laws governing tznius dress and behavior beyond a certain age.
When women reach middle age, we hit an uncomfortable reality. Beauty and desirability are intrinsically linked to youth in most cultures.
I watched a video that went viral a few months ago where a young Jewish woman walked down the streets of New York taking a video of the everyday sexual harassment she experienced. The video didn’t surprise me because I vividly remember experiencing exactly the same type of harassment growing up in my own sketchy Chicago neighborhood. It was hard to even go as far as the mailbox without an older man making a remark or proposition. Such encounters were par for the course for any young girl living in my neck of the woods.
What did surprise me is remembering how long it’s been since I’ve been the victim of such harassment. In fact, I would say that I was probably fourteen or fifteen at the height of receiving unwanted attention on the street. If I were to go back to my old neighborhood today, I’m willing to bet that I could safely navigate the streets unaccosted, whereas my fifteen year old daughter would probably be the one circled by the sharks.
In a way, the revelation that I no longer have to worry about catcalls and such is startling because in the orthodox community, women never lose their allure and men never lose their insatiable libidos – at least according to halachah. Despite graying hair, deepening wrinkles, sagging skin, or expanding waistlines women remain a constant temptation. There is no aging out of modesty laws or laws governing interaction between the sexes.
As such, I realize that perhaps I have thought of myself and other ladies of my generation as being younger or more appealing than we actually are – until my son kindly reminded me that no – I’m old and out of that category. I can’t be mad, because I clearly remember being eighteen and thinking that thirty was old, forty positively ancient, and beyond fifty simply coasting along until the final hurrah. It’s all a matter of perspective.
However, I can’t deny that my perspective on aging is in a way, positively influenced by halachah in the sense of reinforcing that the risk of sexual transgression doesn’t disappear when we pass our twenties. Because of the assumption of risk, it follows that there is the assumption of sexual appeal or attractiveness, which for us ladies of a certain age, can be quite flattering!
Along those lines, I’ve noticed that it’s often older women who are keepers of the crypt…ography. These women are skilled at creating and deciphering for the masses ever evolving and complex standards of tznius – lowering those hemlines lower and cutting those wigs shorter – all for the sake of curing cancer, preventing accidents, and preserving the sanctity of our homes.
I’ve often wondered what the benefit was in assuming increasingly rigorous standards of modesty beyond basic halachah. Do women actually enjoy painting themselves into an ever receding box of dress code, behavior, and freedom? Now I have to wonder if the laws of tznius play to a woman’s vanity. It’s hard to be told that you’re a constant temptation to men and not be influenced by that sentiment.
For the most part, this acknowledgement of our eternal appeal (heck, there are even separate burial grounds for men and women now) makes it more difficult by requiring us to cover up, not sing in mixed company, spend loads of money tzniufying clothing at the tailor, etc.
However, the flip side is that even a grandmother of a dozen einikles (grandchildren) is made aware of her sex appeal every morning when she gets dressed and does her tznius-check in the mirror. Most grandmothers in larger society aren’t given the message that the mere sight of their collar bone or knees can cause men to sin.
As an older gal, I can now see that an excessive focus on tznius might actually be flattering for a mature woman, and perhaps that’s one reason why there is so much buy-in from certain segments of the female population.
