Recent stories in the news show a pattern of rabbis getting too familiar (some to a criminal extent) with their female congregants and students. In many instances the rabbis in question were working with women and girls in distress who came to them for counsel. In other instances, the rabbis acted in a kiruv capacity, which as any BT knows, can result in the rabbi filling in the role of a father figure in some cases. This type of access can take an ugly turn if the rabbi in question has a mind to abuse the power and control he’s been given.
Many people have encountered teachers, coaches, clergy, or other adult figures that have been an incredible positive influence on their students. These are people who devote themselves to teaching, advising, and caring for young people to help them reach their full potential. In my public high school, as well as in college, I can remember specific teachers, professors, and a Hillel director who encouraged me in my interests and skills.
These role models often went above and beyond their “pay grade” spending long hours outside of work that should have been devoted to their own needs in order to assist their “kids.” For them, working with young people was a labor of love. Making sure their students got into the best colleges, Israel programs, listening to their troubles concerning home, peers, or school – they listened and advised with patience. However, despite their closeness with their students, there were boundaries which were never crossed.
There was never any physical contact, private meetings always took place in classrooms or offices where anyone could walk in at any time, and any sharing of private information that happened was a one-way street – meaning the role of student and adviser was always clear. This wasn’t a friendship of equals, but a mentorship. The adult never shared or confided their own personal information to the student, nor did the adult ever pry personal information from the student that the student didn’t offer up themselves. Also, the adult saw themselves in partnership with the student’s parents, and if the situation was warranted, would contact the parents to keep them in the loop.
These boundaries did not exist in the relationships I witnessed between some rabbis and students when I became interested in orthodoxy. When I was in college (more than 20 years ago), a rabbi from a kiruv congregation was invited to speak at our campus. He was a kind man, and I was interested in the comparison between the Jewish philosophy he presented and the ancient Greek and Roman philosophies which I was currently studying in school. It seemed that a new world was opening up to me; a world as ancient as the Greek and Roman societies, but a world which was my own.
I wasn’t the only person impressed with this rabbi. His professionalism and knowledge helped us secular college kids to overlook his long-bearded and old-fashioned rabbinic appearance. A few of us took him up on his offer to attend more classes at the shul he ran with another rabbi. They specialized in beginner courses in Hebrew, Jewish philosophy, and practical courses in keeping kosher and shabbos. I made a point to sign up for the classes taught by this rabbi and his wife. However, a few other students mixed up the itinerary and took courses with his colleague.
Within a few weeks, one of my fellow college students had developed an intensely close relationship with this other rabbi. While I was still coming to the shul from my neighborhood once a week for beginners Hebrew, she was moving into a nearby apartment with several other devotees of this rabbi. While this rabbi advised my friend on everything from clothing, to kashrut, to shabbos observance – her roommates reinforced his teachings at home. For example, they helped her to completely revamp her wardrobe with second hand tznius clothing. While I was still in my jeans and t-shirts, she was wearing floor sweeping skirts and long sleeves seemingly overnight.
Our conversations were constantly peppered with this rabbi’s name. She had a million questions and would make mental notes of what to ask him during their next phone call or meeting. Apparently, her apartment practically had a hotline going to his home and office. The girls depended upon his advice on everything from what toothpaste to buy, to the proper order for putting on and tying shoes, or deeper discussions such as shidduchim and how to explain their new found religiosity to secular families. The latter issue was a major concern. Not surprisingly, some secular parents weren’t as pleased about their daughter’s new religious lifestyle and abandonment of family values as their kiruv rabbi.
I was shocked at how quickly this rabbi took over a parental role among these girls, almost acting in conspiracy against the biological parental protests. The girls were encouraged to keep certain secrets from their parents, in some cases in order not to cause hurt or machlokes (argument). The need for conversion was a common problem that girls were encouraged not to mention to their parents. Sometimes a girl’s Jewish parentage might fall under question, and in order not to offend the questionable parent, it might be recommended that a girl undergo conversion without mentioning the procedure to her family.
It was made clear that while Kibud Av v’Em (honoring your mother and father) is important, one is not obligated to honor a parent who advises you to go against the Torah. In fact, one is obligated to disobey a parent who wishes you to behave in any way other than that which the Torah mandates. This basically gave license for the kiruv rabbi to take over the role of parent and adviser, and put the girls’ actual parents in a backseat role in their daughters’ lives.
I have no evidence of any sexual impropriety on the part of this rabbi, but I can say that the level of adoration and dependence these young women had for him could have opened the door to such activity if he were so inclined. The sun rose and set on his opinions, and the girls felt flattered that so important a Torah giant would show any interest in them at all, much less help them create new lives for themselves. These girls had been taught not to trust the judgment of their parents or themselves. They had distanced themselves from their secular support network. They were like newborn babes in a world that could only be navigated safely with a knowledgeable guide, and this rabbi positioned himself as that guide.
I can’t say what happened with the other girls, but I know that almost as quickly as the pintele yid was lit within my college friend, that’s how quickly the flame was snuffed out. I think the whole process took one year or less before she not only left orthodoxy, but Judaism too.
When I hear people defending rabbis accused of sexual misconduct with women who are newly religious, or “troubled, or “at risk,” it raises red flags. I certainly don’t want to condemn the righteous people who work with these populations in honesty and good faith. However, I think it’s important to recognize signs of misuse of authority and crossing lines of propriety. Contrary to their defenders, who use their work as evidence of their holiness, I feel that their access to an alienated and vulnerable group give potential abusers a veritable playground of opportunity to misbehave.
