I’ve been pondering the concept of mandated mourning. After a parent dies, a child is required to mourn their loss for the 12 months following the death. This means refraining from participation in joyous occasions, celebrations, and public entertainment venues where people go to enjoy themselves.
I’ve been an avel since the end of last August, so I am in the final home stretch of aveilus. Of course, this also means that I’ll be missing this summer’s blockbuster movies, in all probability 4th of July fireworks (haven’t asked a shaila yet), Ravinia’s “under the stars” outdoor music concerts, this year’s Jewish Folk Arts festival which features live bands, to name but a few activities.
Basically, anytime someone brings up something fun to do, I have to pause and wonder if I will be allowed to attend. Even if there is some wiggle room for me to participate, there’s that sense of nagging Jewish guilt that pops up scolding me for trying to find a loophole to absolve myself of my responsibility. Personally, I’ve felt that I am honoring the laws of aveilus strictly for kibbud av v’eim (honoring your father and mother), and not so much for my own private grief. While I am saddened at the loss of my mother at a young age, since I never knew her, my grief is of a different nature.
Although this is not my situation, my feelings of growing impatience with the restrictions of aveilus as the year wears on have made me wonder how children of abusive parents feel during this time. If you are ambivalent, or perhaps even grateful for the death of your parent, how difficult must it be to refrain from all happy activities out of respect for their memory? In such a scenario when a child might be feeling relief, and possibly even joy at finally being free of a toxic parent, they are told that they must express the appropriate sadness instead of celebrating. Additionally, this outward display of sadness must continue not only for the week or thirty days following their parent’s death, but for an entire year. It’s not an easy undertaking.
I said to my husband the other day that I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ve been perplexed at my state of melancholy lately, especially as the weather warms to my favorite season of summer when I am usually the most cheerful. It occurred to me, as my husband mentioned the folk arts festival happening today, that my malaise has a lot to do with my limitations during aveilus.
Thankfully, the restrictions of aveilus are temporary and there is an end in sight. However, I have to wonder at a mandated mourning system generalized for every type of mourner. The ways in which people mourn are as diverse as the mourners themselves and the relationships they had with their departed loved ones. While being excused from joyous occasions might be a welcome “time out” early in the mourning period, that time out might be unwelcome as time goes by and the mourner begins to feel isolated. Sometimes attending a show, dancing at a wedding, or socializing at a party is just what is needed to raise a mourner’s spirits. My hope is that those of you reading this post never have to consider my musings from a first hand perspective.
