Signs that you are about to become a Jewish sister wife

Fundamentalist Mormon sister wives

Despite Rabbeinu Gershom’s 11^th century ban on polygamy (although the Shulhan Aruch says the ban expired in the year 5000 (1240)), some men defy this societal no-no and continue to marry more than one woman simultaneously.  Most of these men obtain what is known as a heter meah rabbanim, where they have a document signed by 100 rabbis giving the man permission to remarry.  Most of these documents are bogus.  Additionally, in order to be given a heter meah rabbanim, the husband needs to give his first wife an unconditional get (bill of divorce that can only be issued by the husband).  It’s wife’s choice to accept it or not.

What winds up happening is that many men, who remarry with the heter meah rabbanim, do so with a conditional get.  Meaning, they leave a get for their first wife in escrow, which she can accept upon compliance with his terms.  Most of the time those terms involve paying the man exorbitant amounts of money and changing child custody arrangements (already determined by secular courts in the civil divorce proceedings) to his favor.

Predictably, most first wives are not going to accept such terms (many can’t afford to), even if complying with this type of blackmail will earn their freedom from a dead marriage.  This stalemate leaves the woman trapped.  In most cases, the civil divorce has been finalized.  However, for a religious Jewish woman, this means nothing in terms of her ability to remarry.  According to Jewish law, she is still married to her husband until she receives an unconditional get.

There are many unpublished stories of men who extort their wives for a get.  Women (or their families) who have the money are able to free themselves by giving into this type of extortion.  However, many women do not have the funds to give into such blackmail, and thus, are chained to a dead marriage.  The wives are unable to date or remarry without a get, while their husbands happily reenter the singles scene trolling for their next victims.

The question I have is why any woman would agree to marry a bigamist?  What woman in her right mind would marry a man who is refusing to give his first wife a get? After all, if he is withholding a get from his first wife, the next wife can bet that he’ll do it to her too if the marriage sours.  What happened to sisters before misters?

When a man marries and moves on with a new life before wrapping up his old one, he loses the incentive to issue a get.  As long as he is happy and in a new relationship, what does he care if his first wife is stuck living alone for the rest of her life?  However, if he also was prevented from dating and remarriage, it would be a sure fire incentive to give his first wife a religious divorce.

We women must stick together and not marry men who haven’t yet divorced their first wives.  That should be an uncompromising condition of marriage.  Unfortunately, when it comes to love, we women can be all kinds of stupid, and easily blinded by lies.  Who are we going to believe, him or our own eyes?  Often, the answer is him!  Yep, we are suckers for love.

Recently, there was a case in the news where a recalcitrant husband remarried in Vegas with the permission of a heter meah rabbanim.  His new wife is shown in all of her bridal glory, sparkly white gown and gauzy veil, the whole nine yards.  All to become his second wife.  To be fair, she is from Brazil, so perhaps there is a language barrier preventing her from understanding the real situation she has gotten herself into.

Here is a checklist of signs that the man you are marrying is already married –

1. After he proposes, he asks that you not tell anyone about your engagement right away.
2. He gives you engagement earrings instead of a ring.
3. The l’chaim takes place in an undisclosed location, and guests are required to leave cell phones and cameras at the door.
4. He asks that you keep your Facebook relationship status as “Single,” or at the very least, “It’s complicated.”
5. There is an angry mob on his front lawn demanding he give his first wife a divorce (he tells you they are merely a crowd protesting the Israeli draft of kollel students).
6. Your fiancée’s photo is in the news and he is being called a get refuser.
7. The first mesader kiddushin you approach to marry you says no.  The second mesader kiddushin you approach to marry you says no.  By the third rejection, he proposes you chuck it all and get hitched in Vegas.
8. There is an angry mob calling your fiancée a bigamist outside the Vegas wedding hall (he tells you it is the counter-protest of those supporting the Israeli draft law).
9. People don’t seem to be happy about your wedding.
10. His first wife and you wear matching wedding bands.

If any of the above scenarios have happened in your relationship, you just might be a Jewish sister wife.